Subliminal Talk

(07-20-2021, 04:44 PM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Letting go requires a conscious awareness of the act of "holding on".  It becomes easy once you have that awareness, and the understanding that letting go is better.  The difficult part is that most of the "holding on" happens below the conscious level of awareness, so it requires contemplation and introspection, sometimes meditation, to find and understand that issue that is being held onto and understand why and then work to let go.

I have done this, and I know it works.  It's basically a process of becoming more self aware.  For me the first time I ever did it was when I began looking around me and realizing that nobody else was as emotionally sensitive as I was.  It was a realization that I was the outlier, that others did not get hurt at and cry over all the things that hurt me and made me cry.  So I started observing them and comparing them to myself, and after a while I came to realize that the difference was that I was taking everything too personally.  I was holding onto a belief that everything was a personal interaction, when it was not.  Those people who didn't get hurt, didn't take things personally.  So I had to learn how to stop taking things personally by changing my belief that everything was personal, and change my point of view.  I had to learn how to stop caring, stop connecting my emotions to everything.  

I imagine it was a hold-over from when I was very young, and I just presumed that everything was personal all the time at the age of 2-3-4.  But when I figured this out (around 10-11, I think) it didn't work anymore.  There were a lot more people than that 2-3-4 year old had to deal with, and the world had changed.  I had to change with it, because I realized that taking everything personally was a misunderstanding.  I started off assuming that everyone was as close as my family, and I could be as open and vulnerable with everyone.  Then I got hurt a lot as a kid doing that.  Eventually I realized the discrepancy between me and everyone around me and figured this out.

But letting go was difficult because I had to understand that I was holding on to something, and what I was holding on to.  I had to understand that it didn't work for me, and choose something else.

Thank you for that, it was insightful.

Day 66, T-Minus 115 days until end, 3rd day ON

About to embark in a two week coding spree for the sake of finishing up my web development certificate.
I'm increasingly tempted to use MLS 4.0 to kickstart my tech career upon hire.
However, I've still got 4-ish months left to this program, and I'm still dealing with underlying issues.

Day 69, T-Minus 112 days until end, 1st day OFF,

Accidentally did a 5th day on my loops. Slept nearly 9 hours last night after some trouble falling asleep.
I'm still sore after my Friday workout; new exercises involving weird angles. And so, weird parts of my body are feeling a bit stretched out and tender.

Day 70, T-Minus 111 days until end, 1st day ON,

Feeling frazzled - not frantic - and confused about how the pieces of the world tie together. The grand chess board, so to speak.
This is coming at the same time as my final project - not yet determined by the group - and looking for a new job.

My French speaking was atrocious, and I can't organize my thoughts today, even in English.

Day 72, T-Minus 109 days until end, 3rd day ON,

Noticing that I'm having some old school insecurities and self-esteem issues.
I have attractive women around me at the gym, but I no longer have the desire to approach anymore like I used to.
Simply due to the fact that the proportion of approaches that have turned into really anything is virtually 0.
But internalizing that fact has created some inner turmoil. Interesting observation.

Day 74, T-Minus 107 days until end, 1st Day OFF,

I'm finding myself much more shut in.
Think that stuff is getting sorted out in the background.

Day 75, T-Minus 106 days until end, 1st Day ON,

Over this week, I've felt a layer of anger and resentment lift; been questioning a lot of the underlying assumptions about dating dynamics, for example. As in, I can oppose marriage due to its laws, but I don't need to hang on to anger over that; it's simply a stance or a way I prefer to live.

Day 76, T-Minus 105 days until end, 1st Day ON,

Accidentally looped the Sleep Induction Aid all night yesterday instead of running OF v.3.
Will be resetting to Day #1 tonight.

(08-01-2021, 10:27 AM)Ampersnd Wrote: [ -> ]Day 76, T-Minus 105 days until end, 1st Day ON,

Accidentally looped the Sleep Induction Aid all night yesterday instead of running OF v.3.
Will be resetting to Day #1 tonight.

Ampersand did you get a good night sleep?

(08-01-2021, 10:52 AM)Z-Man Wrote: [ -> ]

(08-01-2021, 10:27 AM)Ampersnd Wrote: [ -> ]Day 76, T-Minus 105 days until end, 1st Day ON,

Accidentally looped the Sleep Induction Aid all night yesterday instead of running OF v.3.
Will be resetting to Day #1 tonight.

Ampersand did you get a good night sleep?

On that night? Same as usual. I don't notice a difference nowadays when I run loops vs. no loops. Currently on 5 loops.

Day 80, T-Minus 101 days until end, 1st Day OFF,

Final group project is likely to crap out. It's due Saturday; waiting on front-end classmates to figure out how to work their side of things. I've done back end; it works fine except that it isn't fully coming through when queried by front-end (using GraphQL).

Not feeling too bad about it; have an A+ average for all my assignments and got A and A+ in my other two projects.

Day 87, T-Minus 94 days until end, 3rd Day ON,

I've completed the coding bootcamp on Saturday; I've been decompressing since then, mostly playing video games and some drinking. Still hitting the gym, though I might stop attending soon as the COVID cases have been rising.

Day 90, T-Minus 91 days until end, 1st Day ON,

At the literal half-way point of this program. Not sure what is what anymore.
Had a massive boost of fearlessness at the start of the program.
I might be uncovering layers of bad programming, and yet feeling the same flavor of being stifled.

(08-15-2021, 01:11 PM)Ampersnd Wrote: [ -> ]Day 90, T-Minus 91 days until end, 1st Day ON,

At the literal half-way point of this program. Not sure what is what anymore.
Had a massive boost of fearlessness at the start of the program.
I might be uncovering layers of bad programming, and yet feeling the same flavor of being stifled.

This pretty much explain how i feel. At the start of the program it was brutally efetctive I felt like another person. But now its not so . Some things gotten better but overal Its not even 50 % of what i felt at start . Im curious what would Shannon say about this. The longer you listen the more results shoudl be right? not otherwise. I am at 3 month mark as you are. keep going man we will see when some more times passes by