Subliminal Talk

Day 30 (day 3 on)

Last night’s attempt to go out in the costume didn’t go well. I thought I was going to a singles party but that turned out to be another night. Another party was dead, and a third was in a crowded club where the music was loud and no one actually cared about costumes. Sigh.

Meanwhile, this morning I woke up a bit tired but actually feeling decent. I was a bit excited to be able to have a productive session with my sexuality coach but she had to cancel. Dammit.

Day 31 (day 4 on)

Woke this morning tired and a bit dizzy. Feeling not as good as yesterday, though only a bit less. (BTW, unless otherwise noted, for all days on I’m playing this ultrasonically on my iPhone on a loop overnight at a volume of 12/16, at work the trickling stream hybrid on loop at a volume just loud enough to be noticed but not loud enough to be distracting, and at home looping on a speaker.)

I’m pondering what was different yesterday to make me wake up and feel so (relatively) good. I have a thought and I’m going to do an experiment tonight before going to bed to see if it helps. It kinda makes sense pharmacologically, so I’m intrigued. I don’t want to get too excited about it. I’m hoping that yesterday wasn’t a fluke.

As for execution of the sub, nothing yet.

Day 32 (day 5 on)

Woke tired.

The thing that I was trying out was tonic water. I’d had some on Saturday night when I got home, being thirsty and clearing out old stuff from my fridge, and I woke well-rested. So I tried tonic water last night, and I think it helped. So I’m going to see if it continues to help me sleep well.

I’m done with the old tonic water bottles that I was going through, and I have new stock from Whole Foods. Let’s see how this continues.

Still listening to the sub on repeat, carpet-bombing away.

I’ve noticed an uptick of the number of women who like me on the swipe apps. Most aren’t my type so I swipe left, and I haven’t connected with the rest, but it seems to be more. There have been these types of swells in the past so I don’t know if this is real or not, but hey.

Day 33 (day 6 on)

I’m slightly weirded out by the whole tonic water thing. I’m waking dizzy and tired, but it’s dissipating as the day goes on. I have a buzz in my upper body, and my emotions seem much more resilient. Is this the answer? Is this an answer?

Nothing to report re effects. Today and two more days on, and then we’ll see how it blooms.

Day 34 (day 7 on)

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep, with a zillion thoughts bouncing around, so this morning was a rough start. The emotional lightness is still continuing, which is a very good thing. My upper body is still buzzing.

I mentioned the whole tonic water theory to my energy healer who reminded me that on Saturday we worked on admitting my resentment, so perhaps it’s my body that finally gave something up. On the other hand, last night I realized something: it turns out that I’m listening to a subliminal called DMSI specifically for the reason that perhaps it’ll start unwinding pain. 

That makes it hard to pin down the “why” here. I’ve had emotional relapses before, and they’ve lasted on the length of weeks, so who knows if it’s just one of those. And I still don’t feel safe being excited about all of this: if I allow myself to get excited and then things wobble even a little, it feels like life saying “oh, you liked feeling normal? well, haha, f--- you”, and then my emotions just collapse hard.

My energy healer talks about having faith and how it’s different from hope. I still can’t see a practical difference. I’m continuing to have neither.

Day 35 (day 8 on)

The last day of being on. Woke today tired, still emotionally mobile, but very dizzy. It’s 1pm and I’m still dizzy. I don’t know what’s up with that.

Otherwise, tomorrow I start four days of bloom.

Day 36 (day 1 off)

Woke today tired and quite dizzy. Drinking the tonic water before bed it seemed a bit too sweet, so I’m going to take a break with that tonight.

Otherwise nothing to say. Waiting for the bloom to hit.

Day 37 (day 2 off)

Back to waking exhausted. Sigh. My emotions are slowly ratcheting back to grief, and I’m not happy about that.

Last night I was invited to a singing group’s concert, and the guy organizing it said that afterwards he was trying to get a bunch of singers together to chat. I’m trying to find a group, and liked the idea, so I went there. The concert was great, but since the venue for the concert had a second thing going on, everyone slowly ended up at a different bar.

I did not do as well as I would have liked. The bar was noisy with music playing very loudly. It was full of people and my anxiety was pretty high. I wasn’t sure who was there because of the singing group, but I finally managed to ask one girl who I saw had arrived at about the same time as me. She was there to support one of the singers but wasn’t a singer herself. I had a short conversation.

I then briefly talked to the guy in the group who’d invited me, but while he liked the idea of making connections, he didn’t know exactly who there were singers. And so after about an hour I left having talked to three people, not having found who I was looking for, and feeling burnt out and just wanting to go home, which is what I did.

I dunno if anxiety in social situations is covered by DMSI or if it’s more of an LTU thing (probably the latter) but I’m vaguely disappointed in last night. It doesn’t seem like anything is getting better.

Day 38 (day 3 off)

Again tired. My upper body is still buzzing if I relax into it.

Still waiting for bloom or something else to report.

Day 39 (day 4 off)

Checking in.

Last night I was with my singing group and cutting some cheese after rehearsal when I sliced my finger. A lot of pressure and it’s probably going to be fine, but not being very lucky here.

Last day of potential bloom, and then back to the listening in every spare moment.

Day 40 (day 1 on)

Back to carpet bombing. Ultrasonic on my phone overnight, looping hybrid on headphones during work.

Nothing to report, sorry.

Day 41 (day 2 on)

Woke super tired. Still looping everywhere.

Still nothing to report.

Day 42 (day 3 on)

Woke incredibly exhausted again, had to rip myself out of bed. Dunno if it’s the changing of the weather, or the turning on of the building’s steam heat, or something else. I’m still mostly able to feel into a buzz in my body, and feel some happiness.

Something at work finally went through after months of trying to make it happen. Yay.

Otherwise, nothing specifically DMSI to report.