Subliminal Talk

The chills have faded. I hope it was just a quick one-off thing. There’s a tingle in the back of my throat, but it’s so faint that it’s hard to tell if it’s real or if my concentration on my health is leading me to imagine things happening to me.

Day 4

Woke tired, though I got to bed late and had to wake by 7am. That’s another thing with me, that I find myself getting to bed at 1 or so. There’s some part of me that doesn’t want to go to bed and probably fears it. Given the content of my dreams, I can’t blame it.

In any case, dreams were bland, and I was constantly in the space of being kinda sleeping and being kinda awake. No issues with feeling chills.

(shrug)

Staying awake at night is a way to force you to sleep during the day, which gives you an excuse not to have to deal with things you would otherwise face that you fear. I used to do that a lot. So I'm guessing that this is an attempt at an end run around the goal by playing the game when the teams and crowds are at home.

(10-01-2019, 10:08 AM)Shannon Wrote: [ -> ]Staying awake at night is a way to force you to sleep during the day, which gives you an excuse not to have to deal with things you would otherwise face that you fear.  I used to do that a lot.  So I'm guessing that this is an attempt at an end run around the goal by playing the game when the teams and crowds are at home.

That's interesting.

My experience sleeping recently is that I either 1. sleep super deeply and wake completely exhausted or 2. sleep lightly at the edge of being conscious and wake somewhat OK. It seems much more like the latter. While I've not been super rested for the past few days, at least I'm not super exhausted like I used to be. I'll take it.

Despite being at the edge of consciousness during sleep, I've not really felt a desire to sleep during the day, so I'm not sure how much that is the explanation for me right now. I remember sleeping better, neither 1 nor 2, in the past. Maybe that'll show up eventually.

No other effects so far.

I am noticing a decent amount of emotional stability. This past few days has been a convergence at work with a lot of colleagues, and I’m feeling at ease with them, with words flowing. This is a good sign; I’ve been in a grief space for a while now and this break in the grief is good to see.

Day 5

Waking super early for a first-thing-in-the-morning dentist appointment. Those are mostly just annoying for me, so I’m not worrying too much.

[Edit: And the dentist called in and canceled the appointment while I was sitting in the waiting room after waiting twenty minutes. I was super kind to the receptionist who had to deal with this, but c’mon.]

I’m a bit tired, and woke from a dream where there were a bunch of people and we were all going around killing each other. About normal for me, tbh.

Still listening ultrasonic, four loops overnight, 12/16 on the volume meter on my iPhone Xs.

Day 6

Exhausted this morning. I feel dehydrated and have a headache despite taking a naproxen before I went to bed.

I’m thinking this might be attributable to some work I did with my energy healer yesterday afternoon, which ended in me feeling super dizzy. Sigh. I’ll let him know; I hope it doesn’t interfere with DMSI.

Dream wise I can’t remember anything.

My urges to rub one out before bed have faded to the point where I just didn’t bother last night. Probably attributable to DMSI.

Day 7

Back to waking tired, I guess? I hope that the floating between sleep and wakefulness and waking feeling pretty OK comes back soon.

Dream was of backing up a bunch of frozen food near my parent’s place for a trip back to my place (a ten hour drive away), and realizing that I have nowhere to put it. And still going for it? And being forced to find a new shrink.

Seeing a shrink in a dream; I can’t say I’ve had that one before.

Day 8

Woke today incredibly tired, and feeling emotionally average. As I picked up my phone I realized that DMSI was still playing, which was wrong; it should have finished the four loops and stopped. Last night I’d thought about the possibility of running DMSI continuously overnight but decided against it. I’d fiddled with the repeat settings, and thought I’d put it back, but didn’t.

Ouch.

So that’s the first part of the cycle. Now for four days off. Bloom ahead?

Sounds like the subconscious deciding the optimal listening schedule for you - and making it happen

Day 9

First day off. A Sunday. I rarely have anything scheduled early on Sundays so I tend to sleep in. I slept unsettled, and I’m feeling waves of grief and sadness.

Today I have some video work to get done, and I’m pondering if it’s time to to go Home Depot and get like a block of foam or something to block off my air conditioner sleeves for winter. But that’s about all that’s on my todo list and I can feel the grief and sadness about my life being lonely and repetitive.

Day 10

Got my smoke detector issue solved yesterday, but not the video thing or the foam thing. Last night things were winding down and I was on track to get to bed at about midnight, but then I could feel some part of me decide it was OK to stay up and play games, and I got to bed late. It was especially noisy outside, so I didn’t sleep well, and so yeah.

Not thrilled with myself.

Day 11

Another tired morning. No bloom in sight.

Day 12

I’m still finding that I’m fighting myself in trying to get to sleep on time. Last night I knew I needed to get to sleep by, say, 11:30, but that slipped to about 1:30, so I’m tired again.

Last day off; tomorrow back to the loops.