Subliminal Talk

Gonna run loops whole night. Running now 1 loop to ease up my mind. Fear spikes snd tons of limiting beliefs surfacing.

Times like this also cause me to realize lots. Its actually oppurtunity. No way out? Fine. Dying( in an more symbolic sense)? Im withstanding the storm, becoming the storm, sort of even embracing it. An "bring it on!" Attitude. Accepting no matter what it is and transforming amidst this.

Im actually kinda liking it. And things are lookkng up strongly aswell as im realizing new ways.

Im also at a point that I feel mere reporting pure results instead of inner changes and what not.

Im so fucking done with this flipflopping, like GODDAMNIT! Everything I do, like fucking hell man! I know ums is chewing through on tons of shit, but man, this whole despair euphoria thing is truly heart wrenching at times man. Also, due ums magbitude on money im coming with some world ending scenarios, that I will be fucked if I aint executing. Really life and death stuff going on. Survival tied stuff.

I dont know wtf has been hit. But tons of realisations here.

Frustration is an understatement.

I bought UMS-5.5G long time ago but as soon as I started listening.. I could see the E3 working on my issues. It started kicking my a$$ really hard and deep down I knew it was a good thing but tbh a subliminal which has both FRM and E3.. I couldn't go thru it.

Right now I am on ARA-5.75G and I know there isn't any E3 in it.. So it was easier for me to switch from USLM3-5.5G..

These are really powerful subs.. Idk how Shannon does all this but I now choose my subs very wisely.. Like an investment.

Oh yes, I share that approach to subs aswell, as an investment.

Im really going HAM with my loops lately. Shannon says the bloom is where its at, yet my subconscious craves it like it needs its fix of ums. Using it in the moment snd something takes over and up are the loops, including e3/frm impact.

Slow progress is also progress yet shit is hitting the fan strongly. And with finances, in my current state, it ties really deep and all. Like seeing no way out and being depressed and feeling suicidal. I mean, its a phase, but still. I feel this is the last straw.

1 reason I chose to run ums, besides eying it up, was getting all the junk and garbage out. Atleast im aware of this mass thats surfacing/coming up. Fears and such, yet the inner diamond is shining.

Plan is; no loops for atleast a week, and then start with 1 loop. If bloomtime can be extended, I will do that, just to process all these loops.

Numbers pop up lots lately.

12:12
22:22
11:11 now 14:44.

2020 pops up alot for me lately

Lol yeah

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Bloom day 1.

Sort of wanting to run 5 loops. Start to think its a way of avoiding bloom. Anxiety/fear still high. Negative outcome scenarios, triggered by lots of things. Scarcity stuff coming up, limiting beliefs and victim states, aswell as insecurities and painfull spots, which can hurt like a motherfucker. I am able to watch it come up more at times.

Also, I barely had bloom for what feels like a lomg time. Easy ran 5 to 8+ loops aswell as running as I felt to. Starting 1 to escalate to more eventually. So I have a lot of loops in overal, yet want to see ums truly bloom and work.

8 days of bloom has been coined today.

Edit: def gonna bloom. I feel amazing

FRM seems to work more in the background. It doesnt interfere at all. Similar as to what Shannon has written in his journal, first page. Feeling good yet simultaneously stuff is being worked on in awesome manner.

Humbleness is a thing. It breaks open my mind. Highly key. All comes together and im in sheer bliss, euphoria and sky high mood now. "Is it this easy and effortless?" I now understand ums. And I love it.

Day 2 bloom

Woke up pretty early, something thats a pattern for most of the time lately. Wakimg up in autopilot, no matter if Im tired, I get up, shower, refresh myself.

My mind is shifting to options and solutions, and the victimstate makes less and less sense. Ill be looking for oppurtunities today. Ive considered jobs "just over broke" yet this might be a resistance tactic as it disqualifies lots of oppurtunities. It might not even matter what you call it to begin with.

As I drove to the gym this morning, and Im just going to train in a minute, I started musing over my upbring and how much I despise safety. Its in line with "facing head on" thats more prominent, directly dealing with whats at hand. No bs, do it now. Building the habit.no avoiding, no hiding, no procrastinating and delaying. Directly do it.

Bloom kicks clearly in end day 2 bloom. Still having things brought to the surface and brought to light, which give me panicky spikes felt physical. As if my mind seeks it out, and so the reaction takes place.

Im having fears and feelings stirr up lately regarding;
Taxes ( scarcity mindset )
Emails ( abandonment, discard by lets say "dad")
Group of people on which I went no contact due to the demand in changes and now fears, anxiety and what not pop up. I found it the best way as I was done with the energy. Self investment and priorities. Guilt, fear aswell as catastroping.

Overal limiting thinking.

My idea is to not talk about it anymore. Just letting it be handled by e3/frm. It was reason to bloom aswell due to e3's magnifying of it all. Now its works through it just fine.

Edit: decided to load up 1 loop and leave it at that, bloom will proceed after this 1 loop.

Again, the moment I wake up is the moment action kicks in. I can feel lots of turmoil inside, but this time I hear the sheer tantrums and can somewhat listen without getting sucked in. I seem to slowly overcome the hurdle yet the stress is pretty strong.

Even tho im feeling like im dying internally atm, im weirdly optimistic knowing we come through this. Its like finding myself back somewhat, getting back in tune with myself.

I feel im processing a shitton of stuff. Fear pangs, worries, anxiety, feeling as if im losing it, there are times I wanna cry, to give up, feeling all kind of things, yet...im optimistic and hopefull.

Its raw trauma, I see that now. Like a member wrote "e3 attacks my traumas and rips them out" i like that approach. I think healing is really agressive at times and intense. Like drill sgt bootcamp. Might also explain I have a streak goin, in a positive light I seem to heal my connection with the universe, some very deep changes, first time off lots of bad luck. Deep healing feels like working out a relationship, with even myself. ( WHAT?! This is great!) Its all included. Its like kink in the roads, right in front of me. And it is funny how it is reframing. I find my joy back right here and now.

Last loop was last night. 1 loop. Nothing more. I also got some nice UMS insights coming to me today. The moments that my vision was utterly clear and feelin solid as heck, like ums takes over.

Edit: I saw what ums accomplishes today. Like clear vision. Beautiful.
I feel really well off like a reality claims the new "normal" simultaneously the concept of normal sets me in contrast, free. Like im accelerating abundantly.

Edit2: ums guides me to the root. Thats beyond neat.

Day 2 bloom

Feeling good. Having multiple moments of euphoria this morning, stress levels are way lower. Things look up strongly, its really fun and joyfull.

My body feels rough, there are moments the turmoil turns up a notch, and I have a suspicion itsall sub related. Its slightly different then the DOMS I get from back training in general.

Dad will visit me today. Back and forth mailing goes pretty smooth.

I handle my finances well. Im also resourcefull. Shit is way less put out of proportion, no end off the world shit, just realizing it aint all that much, at all. No fuzz. I feel wealth flowing through me and to me, and discover so many facets of wealth. So many angles. Amazing.

There are still some hangups I want to deal with, such as socially wise. Its like an offness, and each time it feels not really like myself, when it happens, like slipping insome autopilot state. I have reason now, as to see that I cut of influences, that this shift is pretty much happening right now. I mean, its like nofap, forced reboot to "get" it somewhere else.

With the free up that has happened, things go well actually. I realize how much damage I did to myself, how I was deteriorating amidst it all. I got panic attacks in the end, or atleast, dreading it and felt my heart sink at times when in their presence. I deserve so much better. I am enough.

It was all very forced, while, when the connection is organic, value exchange is benefitting for the whole. To me, I felt I was losing myself while being in that group. It was all pretty much fake, toxic, and a highway of ending up fucked. And it wouldve happen anyway in the end, sooo bite the bullet. Stop avoiding the pain, learn from it.

Things have changed, true colors have been shown, new perspectives opened themselves up to me. Im still gaining new insights, new strengths. Im feeling really good about it.

The OD stuff is reduced massively. UMS is amazing. Im very positive and hopefull for the future. Im realky thrilled to embark further on this.

Also, something huge has hapoened! I like collaboration! Like its actually so much fun to creative anew in the world, collab, deliver value and deliver fun. This truly shifted tons. Massive upside.

Love the bloom. UMS is solid.

There are still componements I have to handle, which could otherwise lead to higher levels of stress, something I want to prevent and aint necessary to begin with. Covering it beforehand so no unforseen fallout. To much slacking to my liking, things that I can easily do. Life can run so incredibly smooth.

Reading Keith's journal, this quote is what is something I also think is happening. Ngl, high loops, there we're moments of "break of reality/consumed" might be intense healing or/and agressive reality bending.

Reminder to self: Shannon,s quote - " Shannon Wrote: 
I am starting to be of the opinion that a lot of what seems like "bad luck" from USLM type things is really breaking an existing state to allow for the development of something better. A rapid switching of circumstances that appears bad before it's finished developing, but turns out good in the end."

Also, the free up gives me a deeper sense of social dynamics. Listening to a podcast which involves relationships, selection, time prioritizing, self values and structure, the list goes on.

Im feeling more freedom, or rather realize it that I was all this time.non needing anyrhing, just flow, connection, and its fine to have a high bs intuition/radar and not wanting to do with toxic people. It 1) openes me up to quality relationships 2) enforces boundaries, presentation, sets value and frame and is self investment
3) no guilt.

It might be UMS caused me to outgrow, I like that. This makes me more productive and generates space of mental bandwith.

I have ditched social media a bit out of fear. I fear quitted last time, yet am about to return. Fear of confrontation, rejection. Its kind of a clusterfuck.

Got triggered over something, raw anger, non directional came up.

20 things im gratefull for. Write down. Its clearing stuff up.

Concept like rejection have nothing to do with me. It makes no sense. The conceot is redundant like many shit dumped in my head along the way. Its a nonsense thing.