Subliminal Talk

Ah well, I guess I am starting a journal of sorts to document my experiences with Life Tune Up in its fifth incarnation.

My day counter says it's Day 53 today. I have been on LTU v4 for 24 days and switched over to v5 without a break. So that makes ... *rolling_eyes* ... 53+1=54 | 54-24=30 | 30-1=29 days on LTU v5. Does feel longer, though.

Since starting I had three instances of setting different people straight in a brusk confrontational way that overstepped my boundaries where I was completely on auto-pilot. Very much like a sudden verbal thunderclap. Very unlike "me", or at least how I thought of "me" until then. Understand, I am a person of harmony. But who says that harmony cannot be achieved with a loud bang? But I disgress. Most interesting about this to me is the fact that the people in question not only backed away but started actively to suck up to me afterwards. Very strange to witness such behavior up close.

What else? I went on a creative rampage for three weeks or so and learned a lot of new ways to tinker with digital images. There is a pattern emerging with this hunt for new ways to express myself with digital imagery. Started way back on the height of my first BASE run and improved upon itself roughly once a year since then. But this may well be a two-edged sword as I will try to show.

Two-edged because it became a sink-hole for time. This time-sink is not bad in itself, because I improved myself. But I realized that this is just one of several methods I implemented to hide from facing myself and my current life. To give you some perspective: I edited well over 5000 images over the course of my creative spree. Add useless reading and binge-watching movies/series/instructional videos. Add a smoking habit that suddenly became excessive. Add avoiding the heck out of working on the project that holds the key to my career-life. And the newest addition: tons of comfort food. I am trying everything to negate some aspects of LTU it seems. Gotta work on that.

What else? The decluttering module shines through very often. Even though I slack off quite a bit lately, my flat suddenly became very neat and organized. It was mah-mah-OK before, but now it's a nice place to actually think freely. It's a space that screams to be used productively, if that makes sense.

A long while ago I realized that I don't know and never really learned how to positively motivate myself. Since fear and shame and guilt and societal pressure isn't really getting to me (now more than ever) I am in a gridlock. Learning to positively motivate myself ... that's a big one on my list. If only I could find the motivation to learn how to do that   

Another thing that stands out is that I don't find anything interesting enough to do. My creativity binge is over and not even the fruits of my labor/learning of that can lure my mind out of its boredom. This is an utter boredom of life itself. And probably just the newest evasion tactic to counter some of the LTU input. Well, I tend to get a good nights sleep every night beacuse I can't find anything meaningful to do and simply go to bed very early out of boredom. So it's not all that bad, I think.

My dreamscape is a very intense one. There is a lot of weird stuff going on. Every night. I rather enjoy that. Sometimes it takes me some time after waking up to sort out dream from reality. With this comes a lot of retrospection about my past. Not in any ordered or themed fashion but pretty randomly all across the board.

Oh, I almost forgot. I am effectively isolating myself at the moment. I managed to freeze my social life. Another thing to get a grip on somehow. Well, granted, this started before I got my hands on LTU. But it seems even more enhanced now compared to before ... at least that is the perception I get. Whatever. Peanuts.

Let's see how all this plays out over the coming months. I am actually pretty cheerful 

I think I have reached a new low point with regard to my self-esteem. Or maybe I see for the first time how low it really is.

There is a lot coming up about being abandoned over and over again by the people that I felt the closest to. It's like peeling an onion. But I think I haven't reached the core yet. I only see a pattern for now. And how I intentionally create walls around me to pre-empt experiencing such situations again, mainly by shutting relationships down before they have a chance to evolve into something too close. Which creates a very lonely and bleak life. Talk about stupid feedback loops.

(03-31-2019, 07:07 AM)Raz Wrote: [ -> ]I think I have reached a new low point with regard to my self-esteem. Or maybe I see for the first time how low it really is.

There is a lot coming up about being abandoned over and over again by the people that I felt the closest to. It's like peeling an onion. But I think I haven't reached the core yet. I only see a pattern for now. And how I intentionally create walls around me to pre-empt experiencing such situations again, mainly by shutting relationships down before they have a chance to evolve into something too close. Which creates a very lonely and bleak life. Talk about stupid feedback loops.

 YOU're a powerful Being with great insight and wisdom. the fact that you are ALREADY AWARE of such goings on it amazing in and of itself Raz Mah-Taz...that that in itself is inspiring Man!! can you see that? its called being awake,conscious. it may feel like crap fer now but you are indeed peeling away teh layers of said Onion. Core is only a matter of time and from the looks of things and the Men who've shared thier expereince son the new LTU5,it wont be that that long before ya get there, to the core of it all that is....you might very well re-discover that magnificant being you always were....
as the saying goes  'we come to this plane of existence to re-learn what OUR SOULS already knows"... you courage is powerful. keep going! peace and light. Keith

(04-01-2019, 07:45 AM)ncbeareatingman Wrote: [ -> ] YOU're  a powerful Being with great insight and wisdom. the fact that you are ALREADY AWARE of such goings on it amazing in and of itself Raz Mah-Taz...that that in itself is inspiring Man!! can you see that? its called being awake,conscious. it may feel like crap fer now but you are indeed peeling away teh layers of said Onion. Core is only a matter of time and from the looks of things and the Men who've shared thier expereince son the new LTU5,it wont be that that  long before ya get there, to the core of it all that is....you might very well re-discover that magnificant being you always were....
as the saying goes  'we come to this plane of existence to re-learn what OUR SOULS already knows"... you courage is powerful. keep going! peace and light. Keith

Thank you @ncbeareatingman. You are like a storm of good mood

Things look a little different now. I am in the middle of the fourth cycle without taking the two days off. Maybe that intensified things to a certain degree for some time. But it still feels better (or more right?) to me than taking the secondary ASRB break. Without the off-days I get less of a rollercoaster feeling and something more steady, which is way better.

The most noticeable change, however, seems to be the listening format. @DarthXedonias mentioned how the hybrid gave him more pronounced results and I can only concur. Recently I switched from all-ultrasonic to one hybrid and four ultrasonics. Although I only changed the first loop from ultrasonic to hybrid, it has somehow a tremendous impact. The surreal adventures in dreamscapeland have really intensified with just this one altered loop. Way more scary. But at the same time I am much more steady in my daily life. I cannot really put my finger on what has changed, but something is different.

I am beginning to experience signs of exhaustion. Maybe it is for the best that I take the secondary ASRB breaks again.

Other than that nothing noteworthy is going on. If there is change it is pretty much below my conscious radar.

First secondary break day in a while. And I am crashing with exhaustion and mental fogginess like I haven't in a while.

I am still in the stage where I am clearing stuff. My dreams are a major sign that there is a lot being worked on.

Still not facing the important work thas has to be done. Still not sure what I really want. Still hiding out without being actually afraid, just "not in the mood". 

But I crossed over into another reality stream. In a physical sense. The main harddrive of my computer grew over night an additional 150 GB of space. I have specific memories about it being 350 GB and I always have an eye on how much space I use at a given time. But suddenly GParted and a bunch of other programs insist that I have 500 GB available and that it has always been this way. I am puzzled and grinning.

It seems LTU is digging deep into myself and changing/clearing things down in my very core (or rather in at least one of my cores). It's been a long time since I felt subs moving me and myself so profoundly that I can actually understand and write about it (and want to write about it) here in a journal. But I awoke from a dream just now that made me realize that something very deep is indeed being re-arranged and I want to record it in some form.

Maybe I started to notice that something is going on yesterday already and this primed me to notice more just now. Yesterday I bought something on a whim, almost on autopilot, that I would have never considered to buy or have had the courage (as in: absence of shame) to buy before. Only after the purchase did I realize this fact, though.

Today I dreamed that some others and I changed parts of my parents property (more like terra forming). We were getting ready to leave/sell it and were having fun in completely altering it in the wake of this. This dream-scene, although just a small part of the overall dream plot, had a very playful and happy vibe to it.

To connect it to my life/me it is important to understand that I grew up and spent the first two decades of my life in the house of my parents and on the small property surrounding it. It's literally the place where my roots are. In the last few years there has been a fierce legal conflict that threatened the loss of this property (and many other properties around it) due to some dubious business and land reform by the government and money investors following the reunifaction of Germany in the beginning of the nineties. This is settled now, but in the process my parents lost parts of the property.

I only am beginning to understand that this whole ordeal must have hit me deeper than I previously thought. Now I can correlate it with feelings of danger, loss and rootlessness over the last few years. However, the place of my roots is safe now. I bring this up because on a psychological level my parents place, the land where I grew up, is something utterly important to me. And only the dream that I wrote about earlier allowed me to recognize this deep connection. This means that symbolically it holds a fundamental significance for me. To willfully and happily change parts of this land completely in a dream seems important.

Lately I have begun to really fall in love with this sub.

I have begun body activation through strategic muscle and ligament movement to improve bloodflow and overcome (if possible) all stored bodily blockades. Crystallization of this idea is a direct metabolization and implemention of strategy with several layers of tactics in response to something in LTU's script.

Although the first nucleuss of crystallization have been around at the boarder between my subconscious and my conscious mind for some years now, it took some flashbacks into my early childhood from before I was able to walk and talk to come together. The key lies in remembering/re-experiecing and re-creating/doing what we have been doing back than. Pretty advanced stuff if you are able to practice this at a more conscious level than at the very dawn of forming your conscious and subconscious mind.

I am literally in the process of re-inventing my very self. Body activation directly primes for (more) unrestrained growth of my mind. It's a fractal feedback system with lots and lots of loops.

The last few days I was getting the distinct sense that too much change was occuring around and within me too fast. Sometimes this being overwhelmed feeling crossed into the territory where fear does its nonsense. In a word: unsettling.

And so I lowered the input pressure level to get a short breather. I am at one loop hybrid and four loops ultrasonic for this cycle -- down from five loops hybrid -- and can really feel the difference. It is a very pleasant pace.

Maybe I'll do another relaxed cycle before I go back to hybrid only.

I really like this sub.

Fast progress is an excellent thing! I wish I were making fast progress. Instead it feels like I'm making no progress.

(05-22-2019, 03:41 PM)EvolvingPhoenix Wrote: [ -> ]Fast progress is an excellent thing! I wish I were making fast progress. Instead it feels like I'm making no progress.

Well, LTU in this fifth incarnation is different from any other sub I used before. Although I can only unlock this  woowee-my-reality-is-morphing progress by using the hybrid. Not to mention that it took some time to get going for me.

Today marks day 111 (including the 24 days on LTU v4, from which I switched without break to v5), by the way. Had I followed my old style of listening, I would have jumped ship after about 70 days on the sub. I am glad, that I didn't. It's all about compound effects. And I had to remind myself of that a few times along the way. I kept quoting Bruce Lee's "I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick for 10,000 times" and gradually I only had to think about the words compound effect to stay on track.

Just keep going, one day at a time.