whome's LTU5 journal

[whome]

Day 27

Another day waking tired. This time, dreamt about having packed, and needing to catch a train, but being unable to find my bags. Constant confusion about where I was, where the train was, where to go next, etc.

I'm looking at the LTU description again. I really could use some UM/OP at work. I'm on this project that feels overwhelming and I can feel my innards avoid working on it at every moment.

[whome]

Day 28

It's Sunday, so I slept in a bit. Feeling OK, though my emotions are still pretty fluid.

I totally don't know what to say here. This is a sub journal, and I'm supposed to say things about the sub, but I don't see it doing anything other than trigger my subconscious to make me wake exhausted.

In another post, @Shannon commented that building the subs requires a balance, and that they'll work for the 97%, and turning it up any more for the remaining 3% would make it too much for everyone else. I genuinely wonder if I'm in that 3%.

In an attempt to stave off a flood of posts, yes, I'll be following the instructions for the minimum three months as directed. Today is the last day of the four-days-on so I'm on a break until Tuesday night. I'm OK and won't be doing anything I would regret. I'm just feeling bummed.

[Griffin]

I usually know somethings is being worked on when I m tired and exhausted, I think its more troublesome if you don't feel tired and don't see any results!

the thing is its workings on soo many things at once and its the best tech up to now. that it might be to overwhelming and your subconcious might need some time to adjust.

anyway good luck!

[whome]

Thank you.

I've had tiredness issues for a very long time now, so it's hard to tell the difference between the tiredness from the sub and the tiredness from before. It would be nice if I had more than just tiredness to judge things on.

In any case, though, I appreciate your comment.

[Shannon]

Is the sub making you significantly more tired?

I have seen artificially induced (by the subconscious) "tiredness" used as an excuse to hide from fears in at least three different people, including a younger version of myself. If the tiredness of LTU5 is significantly more than before, it is likely that you are spending all that energy trying to fight execution, instead of just doing what it's trying to get you to do.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

That's disheartening. Why does the subconscious mind "Fight" the programming like that?

[whome]

Is the sub making you significantly more tired?

My tiredness varies significantly by itself, but I tend to be more tired on days with LTU5.

The same thing happened with DMSI 3.3.1, where I was brutally tired and emotionally shot on the days I listened to it. At least I'm not emotionally shot with LTU.

[whome]

I totally don't know what to say here. This is a sub journal, and I'm supposed to say things about the sub, but I don't see it doing anything other than trigger my subconscious to make me wake exhausted.

To be clear: I attribute my tiredness to the sub. It's pretty clear to me that it's triggering me and prompting exhaustion.

It's that I wish I had something to say in this journal other than just "Today was an on-day; I woke exhausted" and "Today was an off-day; I woke less exhausted." I wish I weren't resisting so hard subconsciously that the only effect is the exhaustion. I could really use what it's designed to do.

[whome]

Day 29

Off-day. Slept not well, but not terribly.

Work is doing OK. Taking small nibbles at a time at the work, and it's something that I can manage.

Accountant got back to me with my taxes. Kinda bummed there. I'm stopping there lest I hit rule 4 territory.

One more night without the sub and then back to it.

[whome]

Day 31

Checking in. I had to use earplugs last night so I'm finishing up the loops today.

Not much else to say.

[whome]

Day 32

Woke very exhausted. There was some popping in the wall, but I managed to get in all but a half hour of the loops overnight.

The dream was... maybe better? I was running around and doing household stuff, filling containers, preparing lemonade to be put in the fridge for people. Riding around on a bare-bones scooter or motorcycle (I don't ride one in real life). I vaguely remember there being some sexy-type content, but in a "watching a video" style, not in a way that I was interacting with them.

[whome]

Day 33

I go to an acroyoga class on Tuesday nights. It's the beginner class, and I go there because I'm not really good with being in my body. The class is slow, I know about 90% of what's in there, and it's a physical activity that I can do and feel OK with.

That class ended three days ago. The studio is dropping its acroyoga schedule from three classes a week down to one, and the one remaining class is the combined levels 1-2 class.

I went last night. The teacher from the beginner class was there as a student to transition anyone who wanted a friendly face. The class chugged along much faster than the beginner class, and at the end, my quiet unsettledness had developed into significant grief, to the point where my voice was breaking and I was at the edge of tears. I sat and talked with the beginner teacher for a while until the grief subsided.

This morning I felt grief as well, at a level that was noticeable during cuddling.

---

Years ago I did ketamine for depression, but stopped when I started energy healing. I've never felt that things were getting bad enough to go back to the ketamine during those years. And yet, this morning I felt so bad that I'm seriously thinking about getting an infusion to help with the pain and grief. And there was a second time, maybe a few weeks ago, where things were so bad that again I was thinking about it. Given the timing, it's hard to rule out LTU.

When I tried DMSI, I was hit with both bad sleep and being emotionally shot to the point where I just could not continue. I jumped to LTU5 with the hope that it would have a positive effect. So far, the part that I've noticed the most is the exhaustion when I wake on days that I listen to LTU. That's been explained as being my subconscious fighting back. Fine. But it seems like the grief and emotional pain that I've been feeling are also related to the LTU. If that's explained as also my subconscious fighting back, OK, but that doesn't really change anything.

I quit DMSI out of self-preservation, that I wasn't strong enough to fight my way through the resistance. With LTU, I thought the resistance was just the sleep, but if it's also wrecking my emotional state, then that's a real problem.

I'm not sure what the right way forward here is. Stop LTU and allow my emotional state to recover? That feels a bit like surrender. Do ketamine again? On one hand that would weaken the ability for the subconscious to fight back, but on the other hand, having been off ketamine for so long, it feels like a failure and a step back.

[Edit: Another reason that I'd prefer to avoid ketamine is that when I'm in that dissociative state, I nearly always end up in a state of sheer existential terror. The last time I was doing it, the doses were 50mg and they put me in that terror state for 2 hours, for relief that only lasted four or five weeks. My brother's mother-in-law runs a clinic that I could go to when I go back home, and her patients go for months between doses, but her dosing is significantly higher. I'm used to surviving that terror to come out the other side in a better emotional space, but when every session is pure terror for hours, it's hard to want to do it.]

Sigh.

[whome]

A lot of the pain has passed. I'm capable of pushing my emotions to feel happy.

This is the problem, though. When my emotions are loose and free, they tend to very quickly slide negative, and it takes a lot of work to push them to be positive.

[whome]

Day 34

The last day before the break. Got all the loops in ultrasonically overnight before the popping started in the wall.

My energy healer wants to see if we can work on the pain and terror without the ketamine. We'll see how well it works.

I'm still all over the place emotionally, though still it's easy to hit low and it takes effort to hit high.

I'm on a break for two days. I'll continue posting.