05-20-2021, 10:32 AM
Day 24
Still listening to the sub daily. No results to report. Still waking exhausted, still feeling the self-hatred pain, sometimes overwhelmed by it.
I literally don’t know what to say here in these entries.
I feel like I’m a house where a tank of acid burst in the basement and ate away the foundation. I look normal from the outside, but my core, my sense of self, is nonexistent. It’s a hole. This is where I’m supposed to be able to connect to my higher self, or the universe, or something, and nothing’s there but infinite pain.
I was hoping that doing something like AoL would get some feeling of love and solidity there, but it’s not. I’m continuing to listen to it, hoping that it starts taking effect, but it doesn’t seem like it’s doing anything. The reason I came back to subs was during the OF3 preorder frenzy, which looked interesting, but then I looked at AoL and it seemed more appropriate. Maybe I should have gone with my instinct for OF3.
I’m going to stop talking now. This feels like inappropriate trauma dumping. I do have a shrink, and I’ve shared all of this and more with him. We don’t really have a plan about what do to yet. We’re still looking.
Still listening to the sub daily. No results to report. Still waking exhausted, still feeling the self-hatred pain, sometimes overwhelmed by it.
I literally don’t know what to say here in these entries.
I feel like I’m a house where a tank of acid burst in the basement and ate away the foundation. I look normal from the outside, but my core, my sense of self, is nonexistent. It’s a hole. This is where I’m supposed to be able to connect to my higher self, or the universe, or something, and nothing’s there but infinite pain.
I was hoping that doing something like AoL would get some feeling of love and solidity there, but it’s not. I’m continuing to listen to it, hoping that it starts taking effect, but it doesn’t seem like it’s doing anything. The reason I came back to subs was during the OF3 preorder frenzy, which looked interesting, but then I looked at AoL and it seemed more appropriate. Maybe I should have gone with my instinct for OF3.
I’m going to stop talking now. This feels like inappropriate trauma dumping. I do have a shrink, and I’ve shared all of this and more with him. We don’t really have a plan about what do to yet. We’re still looking.
I share the details of my life in my posts to help in the understanding of the effects of the subliminals I use. I am only open to advice that relates to the use of the subliminals.
