journal de la dissonance

[dissonance]

Finally got a job. Looking back, this OGSF 5G has changed me immensely since I started it. Gonna keep doing it for a couple months, then start AM6 round 2. Then WM2 then SM3. Can't wait. Still got a long ways to go.

FINALLY GOT A FUCKING JOB YES


I was ecstatic yesterday it was literally surreal.

Getting this job or something similar was literally the breaking point and thing I needed to jumpstart me into the new era of my life. To finally do it after 5 years of built-up fear and anxiety about it to epic proportions was insane.

[dissonance]

Just had a meditation session and came to a huge realization. I definitely knew this thing that's been holding me back is unhealthy, but didn't realize how deeply and strongly it held me back. The thing I realized is that I need to forgive my family for all the toxic shit they put me through and said or did to me. Read some articles about why it's bad to hold a grudge and realized me holding a grudge for my family made me so bitter and resentful and negative. It was almost like a switch in my soul that flipped during the meditation. I felt that switch go off and the weights were lifted off my entire soul. I then decided to actively try to improve the relationship and openness with my family and forgive them for the past.

Does anyone else have personal experience with holding grudges? If so, how severely did it affect you, or hold you back and/or oppress yourself from truly shining?

[CatMan]

I have experience with holding grudges. Against women who wronged me, or didn't give me what I wanted etc. Then, down the road, vaguely similar situations with other girls, or girls who looked vaguely similar, I'd find myself carrying over at least some of that to THEM. Even though in reality, they are completely separate beings. So, I've found it can easily spillover to others undeserving of it, even if you THINK you aren't doing that.

[dissonance]

Also, I'm pretty sure that's the reason it's been hard at home recently, because my fear of forgiving them was so strong, among other fears relating to the act of forgiving them. Resistance from OGSF 5G. A heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders today.

[RTBoss]

My wife says I'm The Grudge King. I always felt like I was pretty forgiving, but really, I do hold a nasty grudge on occasion.

Holding a grudge, I've come to realize, is punishment to another person and to yourself. You punish them for the unjust thing they did to you, and yourself for letting them do it. Forgiveness frees you from both. Perhaps a simplistic view, but one I adopt. When you can see it's your role to forgive (rather than correct) others' errors, you can be free.

[JackOfHearts]

I have experience with holding grudges. Against women who wronged me, or didn't give me what I wanted etc. Then, down the road, vaguely similar situations with other girls, or girls who looked vaguely similar, I'd find myself carrying over at least some of that to THEM. Even though in reality, they are completely separate beings. So, I've found it can easily spillover to others undeserving of it, even if you THINK you aren't doing that.

That's the reason why I decided to not hate my ex even if she deserves it fully. I think if you start to hate a woman sometimes you mind begin to make generalization about women, like women do about men. So even if someone deserve your hate you shouldn't hate that person just to feel more free.

[dissonance]

I hope that this new state and mindset I reached about my family is permanent and doesn't fall back into being resisted and causing stress and etc. I realize now that this seething grudge is one main cause of my overtraining syndrome. I had symptoms of overtraining about a month ago and I had to take a week or two off weight lifting. Apparently, living with a grudge and/or anger, hatred, resentment, really causes the sympathetic nervous system and fight-or-flight response to kick in and stay elevated at all times. Definitely sounds like something that can contribute to overtraining syndrome.

[dissonance]

Lol at post #64 and how much bitterness,stress, resentment, and ingraining of the grudge that that post caused me.

[dissonance]

Been using pheromones at work, and a few attractive female co-workers were showing obvious signs of attraction. Especially this one girl Nicole who walked by me a lot tilted her head away but face toward me and preened her hair all sexy and submissively. This was on Thursday. Yesterday, she came to work wearing a tight sexy red dress and was showing some seriously major cleavage. When we crossed each other at the drinks station getting water, I didn't show any signs of acknowledgement or greeting for a full 5-10 seconds when next to her, but then she initiated it with a tone of voice as if she just noticed me and said "hey". I said hey back.

Can't wait for my first paycheck so I can purchase AOSI

[dissonance]

Every day is better than the last. Every day at work, I learn new things and re-gain much of my social skills and self-confidence and personality/identity.

[dissonance]

Forgot to mention Francesca totally flirted with me yesterday; sat down next to me during break (people can have a break anytime, so she chose to break and sit down next to me when i was on break), I asked her what she was eating; she said something like "fish, omg sooo good, you wanna try some?" I tried some. Then she asked me if she had anything on her lips. I said no. Then she asked again, "what about now" or something like that. I'm like hmm still no lol. I'm guessing that was some subtle under the surface action to draw my attention to her lips. This is a change of her attitude toward me in the past days. Also this guy Dan was very buddy-buddy like. Sharon also came and sat next to me for a little randomly and made small talk. Before this we never spoke once. I was wearing some pheromones that day by the way, 1x each of LB, Taboo oil, Xist oil.

[dissonance]

I gave in, bought AOSI. It has OGSF in it as well, so hopefully my OGSF 4-month run plus however long i do AOSI for will be good enough OGSF.

[Life]

Is it worth it?

[dissonance]

I've only done 2 hrs and counting so far.


By the way, I'm feeling really sleepy and tired now, it's just past 2 hrs listening of AOSI straight. Don't know if this is caused by the sub or not. Did anyone else get sleepy and tired from listening to it at first?