alpha 4

[ffaux]

Goals for Round 4 of AM6:

• Happy and complete within myself
  
• Release feelings of loneliness
  
• Overcome fear of loneliness
  
• Overcome fear of loss
  
• Overcome fear of conflict
  
• Overcome fear of confrontation
  
• Overcome fear of trusting women
  
• Overcome fear of getting hurt
  
• Release the feeling of lack regarding women
  
• Release the feeling of lack regarding friends
  
• Let go of seeking approval from women
  
• Let go of seeking approval from friends
  
• Internally, intrinsically fulfilled
  
• Internally, intrinsically motivated
  
• Internally validated self-esteem
  
• Internally validated self-worth
  
• Internally validated self-confidence
  
• Internally validated happiness
  
• Intrinsic, unconditional self-approval
  
• Transcend seeking value externally
  
• Transcend seeking validation externally
  
• Transcend seeking approval externally
  
• Transcend seeking happiness externally
  
• Be open, authentic and vulnerable
  
• Trust myself and my intuition
  
• Let go of wanting control
  
• Release pride
  
• Let go of fears/insecurities/anxieties
  
• Let go of negativity
  
• Let go of anger
  
• Let go of disapproving of myself
  
• Let go of disapproving of others
  
• Let go of self-pity
  
• Let go of victim mentality
  
• Let go of self-doubt
  
• Overcome fear of appearing weak
  
• Overcome fear of being vulnerable
  
• Overcome fear of being taken advantage of
  
• Overcome status anxiety
  
• Taking care of myself (body and mind) and meeting my needs
  
• Think clearly in the midst of emotions
  
• Be firm and assertive
  
• Be spontaneous and free
  
• Command respect
  

Wow, what a list. I certainly set high expectations--it is no wonder that AM6 couldn't deliver. I think I always hoped AM6 would fix all of my insecurities and make me feel whole/good about myself again.

I accidentally stumbled on to this first post (above), trying to make a new post about some new reflections, and it's interesting how consistent the themes have been for me throughout my journey. I came here to post about the same themes that I see in my list of goals above:

• Loneliness
  
• Inferiority
  

Some of my experiences from childhood have left me feeling insecure about my attractiveness to women, particularly in competition with other men. This insecurity has become an inferiority complex, for which I tried to compensate for many years by trying to become a so called "player". I always wanted to be with and, maybe more importantly, be seen with attractive women to prove to myself or those people that I had become superior to them because I had more attractive women. (What an unhealthy relationship to have with women.) I wanted AM6 to help me overcome this insecurity, but I'm not sure if this is even in the script. I firmly believe it should be for AM7 because this has undermined any progress that AM6 has helped me make throughout the years.

This inferiority complex ties in closely with my feelings of loneliness. Being alone has become confirmation for me that I am unattractive to women and therefore inferior. I currently have a girlfriend, and when I recently tried to break up with her, I had a moment of feeling the depression and loneliness I felt before. It reminded me of a feeling that constantly undermined my self-confidence, despite the work that AM6 was doing, in a vicious cycle where loneliness affirmed my inferiority, which undermined my self-confidence, which affirmed my inferiority, which lead to behaviours that kept me lonely, which affirmed my inferiority, and on we go.