10-17-2019, 06:13 PM
It's been kinda rough, this past week. Anyhow, I'm feeling better physically, so I'm back to my physical regimen, should be able to go back to bardic practice next week (and really, I could use being able to do something productive, as sitting at home and farting in my pillows is a surefire path to unpleasant overthinking). Had some childhood-related dreams tonight, and then cried a little bit in the morning. It's kinda like some part of me is trying to protect the good, loving and innocent parts of my childhood, burying them beneath tons of crap. I dunno, makes no sense, but feels this way.
Anyhow, had another conclusion just about now, and it is - I need to start being able to forgive people, like, for real. Trouble is, I can pretty easily understand why people do what they do (and especially people who actually love me, yet insist on hurting me *because* of this); on the emotional level, though, there's been so much of it (and I am going to call it what it is - manipulative emotional abuse) that the emotional parts of me have really had enough of it, are extremely afraid of it happening again (and again, and again... Kee-rist) and thus are unwilling to let go of it in the hopes of avoiding further damage.
The thing is, though, that this is no way to live, and I'm really, really tired of it. I cannot expect apologies, or closure of any sort - best I can hope for is someone actually coming to the conclusion that they've been doing is wrong, but coming clean or honestly saying they're sorry? Nope, hadn't seen that happen yet.
So, even though I'd rather not - because it's scary - I'm going to have to forgive and let go of all that, because somebody's fucking gotta. Might as well be me. Ehh.
By the way, this kinda reminds me of that Metallica \m/ song, "Unforgiven". I won't be linking it up here, as it's pretty well known I guess.
Anyroad, putting on my loops for the day in a little bit and then it's four days of break. There's a chance I'll be feeling well enough to maybe go strut my stuff around town over the weekend for a bit.
Anyhow, had another conclusion just about now, and it is - I need to start being able to forgive people, like, for real. Trouble is, I can pretty easily understand why people do what they do (and especially people who actually love me, yet insist on hurting me *because* of this); on the emotional level, though, there's been so much of it (and I am going to call it what it is - manipulative emotional abuse) that the emotional parts of me have really had enough of it, are extremely afraid of it happening again (and again, and again... Kee-rist) and thus are unwilling to let go of it in the hopes of avoiding further damage.
The thing is, though, that this is no way to live, and I'm really, really tired of it. I cannot expect apologies, or closure of any sort - best I can hope for is someone actually coming to the conclusion that they've been doing is wrong, but coming clean or honestly saying they're sorry? Nope, hadn't seen that happen yet.
So, even though I'd rather not - because it's scary - I'm going to have to forgive and let go of all that, because somebody's fucking gotta. Might as well be me. Ehh.
By the way, this kinda reminds me of that Metallica \m/ song, "Unforgiven". I won't be linking it up here, as it's pretty well known I guess.
Anyroad, putting on my loops for the day in a little bit and then it's four days of break. There's a chance I'll be feeling well enough to maybe go strut my stuff around town over the weekend for a bit.
"A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him." - A. Crowley
