Who do you love - DMSI 3.3.2 Jandom Rusings

[Have at ye]

Regarding that stuff from two posts above - whilst I'm not in general a fan of youtube experts, lol - I recently watched a video that would sum up what I'm driving at pretty well, so here it is! [Note: don't stick to the label "narcissist", it's a simplified shorthand, as are essentially all "personality disorder" descriptors, and thus limiting]



I must say, this guy has some serious "dad energy" going on.

[Have at ye]

Yesternight felt pretty amazing, so I believe there's definite movement. Got a "blissing outta my arse" moment there whilst, incidentally, listening to the End Titles theme from the Blade Runner soundtrack, heh. Very strong "whoooa, that's niiiiice" sensations coming in waves pretty much throughout my body, excluding - unfortunately - the "right foot - lower heart" line, but it wasn't a deep dark void of "kill me please" at least. So I guess we're getting there.

Not feeling as amazing today, but we'll see. I pretty much slept through the day; went for a little walk, but not feeling like doing much else. Still gotta heal up from this infection (which is going pretty well, I must say) to be able to start doing productive stuff, yo!

Amusingly enough, sometimes the resisty parts of me are all like "hey, we shouldda stuck to UMS, let's go back to UMS", but I'm like, "nope! First we get this going, then we're going back to UMS".

[Greenduck]

Regarding that stuff from two posts above - whilst I'm not in general a fan of youtube experts, lol - I recently watched a video that would sum up what I'm driving at pretty well, so here it is! [Note: don't stick to the label "narcissist", it's a simplified shorthand, as are essentially all "personality disorder" descriptors, and thus limiting]



I must say, this guy has some serious "dad energy" going on.

Thanks for sharing, great video.

[Have at ye]

There's some very promising stuff going on internally (we'll see about externally soon as well; getting back to life through attending Hot Lacanian Action tonight, I'm feeling well enough to start doing stuff again); I now know what must be done - trouble is, as it stand, it would appear that some parts of me are going to be fighting this tooth and nail, but we'll get there. Just gotta keep at it, and never stop, lol.

So, basically, here's what I gotta do:

https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-whome...#pid229100

Achieve this effect. This would apply to sex, love, and professional matters as well; otherwise the negativity of fear is going to try to keep me in stasis, and I'm going to have to keep struggling against it, and I've been doing that pretty much my entire life and it's become pretty fucking boring by now. A bad experience is just a bad experience, and there's nothing actually stopping me from experiencing better things apart from, how shall I call it, "homeostatic insistence" of experiencing the opposite.

I am noticing that it's happening... gradually. But now that I know what's going on it's time to put this shit on steroids.

Here's a song to go along with the above (note: it's kinda heavy, and has some dirty words, you've been warned, lol):

[Have at ye]

It turned out there's not Hot Lacanian Action tonight, it's next week. Derp. Anyroad (just for you, RTBoss! ) I went for a walk, had some serious random musings going on, *radical* notions. Won't go into detail, but here's a neat trick: as per creepy uncle Lacan, there's a world of difference between "imaginary death" (the one that the unconscious perceives as "narcissistic death of the subject" [subject - a. k. a. ego; "ego-death", whatever, it goes by many different names; uncle Lacan claimed that whenever daddy Freud used the word "ego" he actually meant "the subject" as in linguistics, and I'd say he was right, as daddy Freud didn't really use the Latin term "ego", but the German "Ich", so simply "I", in various wonky German configurations, like "Ichwhateverichkeit etc'", added the Latin term "ego" in the text as per standard MD practice of the day, as he started out as a physician, and then it got conflated by later psychobabblers into the concept of "the ego", whatever that actually is, lol] and suchlike, but I digress ) and "real death", "death in the real". Your unconscious might not know the difference, but *you* do. Objectively.

Now, lately I've been noticing wonky sensations in the upper heart area, which would appear to be related to removal of something nasty (so probably fear); now I'm going eerily similar sensations in the *lower heart* area, and it's pretty deep inside there, but it's happening. Wowzers, we're actually doing this.

[Shannon]

Rule 4...

[Have at ye]

Sorry, force of habit.

[Have at ye]

Progressing with all that above and more. It's funny, because it would appear that it's also serving towards goals and notions that are more UMS than DMSI related. Then again, I've always known on some level that the underlying issue is the very same frickin' thing; any other stuff is pretty much coincidental. [EDIT: Also noticing I appear to be taking a very multi-pronged approach towards fixing this. Basically an all-in approach, throwing everything I know how at it, including the kitchen sink.]

Going to get some bardic practice in today finally. Still coughing and having my sinuses act up a bit, but it should be manageable enough to get some work in. Also I'm waaay fed up with staying at home all day long, lol.

Listened to my loops, going out in a bit. Continuing the show.

EDIT

BTW., there are external reactions to my DMSIng whenever I am out and about. Just thought I'd mention it. Simply not going into details on stuff I've seen before on earlier versions.

[Have at ye]

Bonus random musing of the day:

The entire concept of progress is an illusion created to protect oneself against the fear of change.

I think it's from "Dune", I don't remember which part exactly though. "Dune" roxx.

Also, from Master Yoda: Do or do not. There is no try.

[Have at ye]

Bardic practice went extremely well, considering the infection and all that. Couldn't maintain a phrase long enough for my requirements yet because I'd start clearing out all the remaining gunk etc., but - hey - it's an extremely efficient method of clearing out your valves and lungs! I highly recommend it to everyone.

Afterwards, I went to that conservatory place where I'm used to field-testing DMSIs. Ran into, you wouldn't guess, designee "my little aristocrat" (obviously). We only waved at each other and smiled in passing; she made a slightly sad "I've been naughty and now I feel bad" face after, we didn't have a chance to talk nor did she approach me or anything; nor did I feel any pressure or drive to approach or anything on my part; felt very calm and kinda happy.

I guess I should maybe be annoyed or angry, or disappointed, or driven, or whatever, but - to be honest? - she's a lovely woman and I wish her all the best whatever happens.

I did feel some DMSI-sniper indicative sensations, though.

[Have at ye]

Started cleaning up my apartment after the week of derpitude, done some laundry, went for an evening constitutional (lol).

Hot damn, but is my swagger back with a vengeance, even though I'm a bit tired physically as I added an upper body routine yesterday to my physical regimen, lol. Even stronger than it was back in the beginning of this ver. of DMSI, heh. I also found myself listening to "Good times, bad times" by Led Zeppelin on loop and laughing to myself, lol.

My zany parents are visiting next week (they're staying at my bro's place - and by "my bro's" place I mean a place they bought and he moved there, lol, which is very fortuitous for me ), and me dad said he's going to help me remove and exchange my shower cabin, as it's in terribly dire straits lawl, and maybe try to figure out how to work out something more spacious and comfortable instead (he's a retired construction worker/handyman type of guy, so he knows this shit), which is most fortuitous as well. Heck, maybe we'll even manage to fit something that's going to be spacious enough for two, if you know what I mean (and, yeah, my bathroom's rather cramped ).

Altogether, I'm feeling good, and I have no intention of stopping being thus.

EDIT

Oh, one more thing - I'm getting lots of them wonky sensations, something like "twitching" in various places on my body. It used to by just my left eye, now it's happening in other spots too. I used to assume this means some serious energy is getting moved around, so maybe that's due to that.

[Have at ye]

Funny. As per what looks to be the usual DMSI protocol for me by now, first I've gotten the lovey-dovey stuff figured out (still in the process, and not stopping, lol), but now it would appear that my subC believes it's time to add some more chest hair into the proceedings, lol.

And now, we conquer and expand.

[Have at ye]

Hmm, and today it would appear we're back to "lovey-dovey" mode again, but on a slightly different level/aspect. That goshdarned "blackness" that would usually go from the middle of my right foot up to the bottom of my physical heart is almost nearly gone now, so that's really funky and awesome. It makes me very happy and optimistic.

Now, a little cautionary tale on messing around with stuff and other people's free-will that's related to this: you know why it was so friggin' difficult for me to get rid of of? Yup, as it turned out, designee "foxy psychotherapist" actually placed a rule 4 love thingy on me (by her own admission), which was intended to make me "fall crazy in love" with her, but then it turned into more of a curse thingy, because - due to her, as it turned out, pretty serious underlying mental issues (pretty much a textbook case of obsessive neurosis   - it's also why I often call creepy uncle Lacan a "magnificent bastard", because he got this thing down *exact*, and I was like, "oh, fuck me" - I won't be going into details on her personal history and how it occurred, though, as that's her private matter) - she actually had *no intention at all* of capitalizing on it in any sensible, real-world sense (I apparently fell directly and perfectly under her "object of desire" header, which may sound fun, but actually isn't - the "object of desire" is, in short, the "thing you want to want, but cannot allow yourself to have" because to do otherwise equals "death" to the unconscious) which didn't stop her from gaming me into oblivion, forcing a confession of love out of me (which, admittedly, made her *extremely happy* AFAIR), and then proceeding to game me some more with no proper response in return... and then I got fed up, told her what I didn't like about the situation and her push-pull treatment of me in general (I admittedly could have been a little bit, erm, gentler about this, but cut me some slack, we were, like, 23? at the time; and it's not like I cussed her out).... and then she got really, really nasty, and that's when she tried doing the rule 4 love thingy as well (she also pretty much found the nearest willing boyo, which she never had a shortage of, lol, and proceeded to parade him in front of my face for all to see while acting extremely slutty, which she'd never done before *nor* after), and then she had to, IIRC, go on anti-schizo medication and is still on it, last I saw. After some time passed, we actually got back in touch and would meet every now and again, and were on civil and/or sometimes even better terms (I remember her telling me once that "you're the toughest man I'd ever known"... well, no shit, girl ,you put me through hell, the fuck else was I supposed to be?). Ehh. Sad.

Anyhow, I feel like I'm... free. Heck, I still care about her and still find her very much attractive (she's, urm, my type also she's still very much a looker at 31 now, back then, she was a bona fide head-turner, whoo boy); and I genuinely feel for her mental health situation and hope she gets it sorted out, but - being probably the only male to actually *know* her - I also know she's, well... not the nicest person ever, especially towards men, but she masks it extremely well (I believe at some level she's scared of men, and she often uses the fact that guys fall for her in droves due to her attractiveness and charm to, well, be cruel to them - I've seen her ridicule and laugh at guys *she actually likes* publicly and in settings where it's very much improper - hell, I've seen her do that during one of our hot Lacanian action meetings, to a guy she considers a friend; I found it improper enough to tell her to stop doing this; within 10 minutes, she got all wonky and had to take her meds. I'm probably the only person to *ever* point out to her that it's... well... kinda shitty behavior. She likes surrounding herself with guys who are intimidated by her charms, lol, so I'd bet nobody's ever done that apart from me. An entire room of practicing psychoanalysts and nobody's ever told her to maybe be dial it down a notch, jeebus).

But that ambivalent sensation of "love" that I've had lingering for these past 10 years? It feels like it's finally gone. Goodness gracious, it's good to finally get it off my chest.

[Have at ye]

Now it kinda feels like there's some H&C going on. I'm getting thoughts and emotions on issues that would usually start coming up whenever I'd start on a new version of DMSI; it feels more like a release of sadness or some such, not entirely unpleasant TBH.

I also got a sudden, but non-dire, attack of fears regarding sexual performance yesterday (related to sexual experiences with my ex later in our relationship; I think she was purposefully undermining my confidence in my sexual abilities out of fear I'd leave her and many other things she herself was afraid of, and I was dumb enough - or anxious enough of other things - to actually start considering and start dreading the possibility of losing my virility in reaction to that), but it feels like these are more like... I dunno... off-shoots of some deeper fears that got removed/are close to being removed? It kinda feels like "branches" or "off-shoots" that arose due to other fears. So hopefully it's a relatively easy fix now.

I'm also noticing now that I'm more of a calm "I'll just keep doing my thing and should DMSI do its thing, it will" mindset, way less on the lookout for signs of external results. Though I'm still aware of them occurring (f. in. today during hot Lacanian action a very attractive woman was in attendance, and I could feel a slight morphine-drip like elation arising in my gut + sexual arousal and the funky twitching of my left eyebrow that was long and persistent, etc. etc.), I'm not seeking them out actively. I believe that should anything new/exciting/obvious occur, I'll take note of it.

EDIT

Oh, also - bardic practice went great today, and I finally started implementing my teeth whitening protocol as well as "improved grooming" protocol, which I was intending to do before I caught that infection I had and then spent the week derping around the house. I also got the idea to purchase and ozone generator/air ionizer-purifier thingy, to get rid of the cigarette stench from my apartment, lol. I think I'll do it; who knows what kind of company I can expect and when.