Who do you love - DMSI 3.3.2 Jandom Rusings

[Have at ye]

Feeling a little bit resisty every now and again; nothing too dire, a little bit unenthusiastic at times and a little bit lazy, lol, sometimes a bit down, but it comes and goes and it isn't that drastic. Some of the usual "new DMSI version introduction" points of resistance are being raised by my subc, a. k. a. the usual stuff, but it would appear that, as I am willingly intending to remove/fix that stuff whenever this occurs, I'm digging deeper into any potential causes and/or experiences that may have resulted in such.

I believe this should pass soon enough, just gotta stick to it. I am up and about each day anyway, to do things, but I could be a lot more productive than this, heh.

Anyway, it would appear I'm touring next week again, so there's that. The timing is most fortuitous, as it'll fall exactly on the first ASRB2 break. Unfortunately, there will be "smarmy little girl" in the squad this time around, and not my luscious blonde responder girl, but whatchagonnado. Smarmy little girl gets uppity, she gonna get burned, hahaha.

[Have at ye]

Ufff. So, DMSI started getting serious, and for these past 3 days I've been *raging* inside for the most part - some part(s) of me is raging that I'm pushing it to do what it doesn't wanna, while another part of me gets testy with the resisty parts for *wasting my time*. The resisting sometimes takes the form of hopelessness as well, f. in., as I was practicing my bardic skillz on Friday, for some reason the resisty parts took issue with it and made me feel totally bad as I was at it; it got unpleasant enough that I had to stop prematurely and didn't feel like I accomplished much.

Thing is, though, that when the resisty parts get resisty, they appear to be throwing stuff at me that they *know* I will find extremely unpleasant and emotionally painful, and when something moves, so to speak, it turns out what they had been resisting had nothing to do with those things at all. Most annoying.

Usually I get unpleasant stuff thrown at me by myself when I'm in settings where DMSIng would be most welcome and appropriate. Whilst those parts of me would prefer to sit at home and try to distract myself with pointless entertainment, or just lay down and do nothing much, I have still been making a point of getting my ass out there for at least a couple of hours per day. Because otherwise, the effects of DMSIng, as far as I've been noticing them, have not been diminished in the slightest.

Thing is, I decided on Friday evening that I will try to employ the parts that are annoyed by the resisty parts and have them try to overpower them, so I turned up the heat and increased the volume to what foobar says is 0dB (the highest comfortable volume for me when using headphones. It's pretty loud, but not deafeningly so, heh). This appears to have done the trick to at least some extent, as now the unpleasant stuff appears to be getting thrown at me with lesser intensity and for shorter periods of time, and I get more execution indicators. I am also noticing wonky sensations, which may be FRM related, in spots I've not been having them up to now.

Amusingly, I got my arse out there today, intending to go to the library to read some more Lacan on "Female sexuality" (there's a collection of his writings/lectures by that title that I have discovered at the lib. It is most fascinating, although let me put it this way - for most guys, I'd put an actual *trigger warning* on the thing, lol. Seriously, you want "red pill", try creepy uncle Lacan on female sexuality for some "red pill". Also, castration complex ). But, I stopped at the uni campus on the way, to sit on a bench for a moment, and a dude-singer I know happened to be walking by, said, "yo, I'm gigging right here, that building over there, in an hour, free entrance, c'mon", so I attended. It was pretty fun, and good for facilitating some DMSIng as well as a bit of UMSing even. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant coincidence. Good guy, that guy (I think I mentioned meeting with him for a beer in my UMS journal at some point).

So, that's that for now. Tomorrow morning I'll be putting the loops on, and the it's 4 days of break, and we'll be returning to the scheduled DMSIng on Friday. I'll be touring out of town for the duration. Dunno whether I feel like lugging my computer along with me to report LIVE, but we'll see. I hate typing posts on my phone.

EDIT

Also received an invite to a party hosted by one of the Oedipal Sonny lovers (a particularly "Girls with Low Self-Esteem vol. 2" one, also mentioned previously in either this journal, or my UMS one), but it falls in the middle of my tour when I'll be away (wild parties in the middle of the week? How decadent), so I'm not attending. Interesting that she'd invite me, though. She must realize her "ex-boyfriend" sonny has been slandering/"telling how it is" about her butt all around town, and I was probably the first guy he ran to to do so, lol. Then again, both these bozos are about as trustworthy as... I have no analogy at hand... so who knows what's really what, lol.

[Have at ye]

I'm beginning to suspect that some of the resisty stuff that's coming up is actually at least in part from UMS blooming. I may be wrong though, but it does sorta feel like what I'd get on UMS when something was unwilling to clear through. Such is the risk of not taking much of a break, I guess! Still, this should bear fruit in the long run. Anyhow, feeling better and better, and less resisty, but I did get a "wow, feels a little bit as if I was about to have a panic attack" sensations at the bottom of my ribcage between shows today, coming up from a particular spot on my right foot which has been acting up lately, but it was relatively mild. Perhaps some FRMing is coming through.

Anyroad, started touring today, gonna be out of town from tomorrow on until Friday.

[Have at ye]

Oh, BTW, here's a neat trick I devised over the weekend: if you feel like you'd like to feel more "grounded", "steady", "physical", "heavier" (etc., etc.), especially if your first instinct is to f. in. overeat, try getting a proper "leg day" in if you can, at home or at the gym or wherever you like.

Just make sure you're keeping your pelvic area in proper physiological alignment throughout. Works wonders for me. Now you're steady.

[Kol]

I'm beginning to suspect that some of the resisty stuff that's coming up is actually at least in part from UMS blooming. I may be wrong though, but it does sorta feel like what I'd get on UMS when something was unwilling to clear through. Such is the risk of not taking much of a break, I guess! Still, this should bear fruit in the long run. Anyhow, feeling better and better, and less resisty, but I did get a "wow, feels a little bit as if I was about to have a panic attack" sensations at the bottom of my ribcage between shows today, coming up from a particular spot on my right foot which has been acting up lately, but it was relatively mild. Perhaps some FRMing is coming through.

Anyroad, started touring today, gonna be out of town from tomorrow on until Friday.

Sounds similar to what Im going through. Not even AM6 has torn me down like UMS.

[Have at ye]

Finishing up my tour today, then I'm back to DMSIng in the evening. Unfortunately, I caught some sort of friggin' respiratory infection yet again (the other two people in the cast were ill from the beginning. I must have inhaled some of their derpitude, bleh). I have some means of getting rid of it quickly, and I'll be employing them, as I've already wasted enough time being ill, especially in recent times. Hopefully it'll work.

"Smarmy little girl", apart from infecting me with her gangrene or whatever this is (probably some sort of viral infection, as far as I can tell), is now trying to be all buddies with me. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Otherwise, I've noticed quite a bit of movement in the FRM department, I believe, during the break days. F. in. today, right now, I'd be feeling all kinds of rad if it weren't for this darn infection. Came to some conclusions, got tons of wonky sensations. That thing in my foot which was acting up doesn't seem to be acting up no mo'. It actually felt pretty smooth and not-quite-as-radical emotionally compared to previous FRMs, I think. Shielding appears to be doing its job as well.

The celebrity effect is very strong. F. in. after one of my scheduled performances some people came up to me to congratulate and stuff, and one lady was all like: "you're way too good to be singing with these bozos", and I was all like, "I know, right? " Other outside effects of DMSIng are visible, but I didn't have anyone too interesting in particular to observe closely over an extended period of time. It's only beginning to git gud, though, so...

Also, that director-chick who bummed me by removing my name from my translation just came crying for more linguistic help. She's getting a stern talking to, and no help no mo'. In the spirit of teaching lessons, I will be citing the particular laws she had broken. From now on, she works for me, heheh.

[Have at ye]

Not much to report on the outside as i've been staying at home these past 4 days to heal from that infection. It's going pretty swiftly, and hopefully I'll be up and running on Wednesday, and then will be able to get back to bardic practice on Friday. I did skip Hot Lacanian Action tonight though, as I did not feel comfortable going there coughing and farting this much. (And these are very smelly, antibiotic farts). Whenever I do go out for an hour or two to get some fresh air I'm noticing DMSI-related reactions and such, but nothing to write home about as of yet.

There is quite a lot of movement internally, though. F. in. tonight I'm totally venting out a *whole lot* of anger directed at women which has always been there (and has been accruing for quite a bit of time now), but for some reason some parts of me considered anathema and/or taboo to express in any way. F. in. I found myself actually yelling out loud, to myself, "how the fuck can anyone even think of treating another person like this?! Just as a fucking *move*! Disgusting" and such. Out of the blue. Must have been a reaction to something going on under the hood, as otherwise I was engrossed in reading some stuff on the Internets.

The above also did appear to have some positive effect, though, but I don't think I'll be describing it in much detail.

A lot more "internal movement" apart from the above occurring as well, but there's so much of it I do not recall all of the details. Also, I think the program's designed to make it all as smooth as possible, so it feels like it's happening "under the radar" a lot.

Out of other thing, I remember having a dream yesterday, as I was listening to DMSI (I tend to take a nap while I'm listening to it, for an hour or two), and it actually featured... Shannon! From what I remember, we were engaged in playing some sort of 4X computer game over the Internetz (looked like Dominions, but browser-based and with higher production values), and the whole game ended with Shannon winning after turtling up with some sort of weird gimmicky playstyle that no one had any hard counter to (better yet - I remember looking through my list of units for a counter, and remembered it being there somewhere, but it seemed to have *disappeared*, lol). I woke up then with a frustrated feeling, lol.

Maybe I'll play some Dominions since I'm stuck most of the day at home, farting into my pillows anyway...

[Have at ye]

Whooah, the loops tonight were kinda rough, but now I'm feeling *fiiiine* and way more positive. I also received my order of top-notch oral antibiotics (supposedly the most modern available at the market - so probably 10 years behind what's already been developed but has not been released for public consumption yet - pharma, lol - goes by the brand name "Amotaks Dis" around here, with the active ingredient Amoxicillinum. Normally, I'd be wary and unhappy about having to take antibiotics, as they're exhausting physically, but this stuff goes down like *candy* ) from me crazy mum, with a bunch of probiotics to go along with it, so I'll be able to cut down on energy healing stuffies and thingies I've been employing to combat this darn infection (while they work splendidly, they're pretty energy intensive. Also fart inducing; I've no means as of yet of restoring bacterial flora in the digestive system using energy work, hahaha).

As to my whining in the above post, I'm now finding myself listening to a derrrp metalzz song on loop pertaining this (and not just this; professional stuff as well. People stuff in general). Since we've not yet had a derrp metalz song in this journal as of yet, I'll be linking it up here! Enjoy!



A link to the lyrics for anyone interested as well (not his best work as far as diction is concerned, lawl).

http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/darktra...ial.html#7

[Have at ye]

Had a very long, and very interesting dream related to a particular woman I know and who's been an important influence on my life. First directly woman-related dream on this version.

I'm growing really tired and frustrated with having to stay at home and fart in my pillows. Feeling better and better, but still. Not well enough to return to bardic practice or other activities yet.

[RULE 4 STRIKES AGAIN]

[Shannon]

Astrological discussion is not for the main forum. I believe that's part of rule 4.

[Have at ye]

Astrological discussion is not for the main forum.  I believe that's part of rule 4.

[Have at ye]

As I was listening to my loops tonight, I dozed off somewhere during the 2nd one (as usual) but woke up with a start sometime around the 3rd one. This would imply something scary got touched upon.

I was feeling somewhat ragey and angry after the loops, it was becoming more and more apparent. Went for a walk and listened to the soothing sounds of derp metalz \m/ after and the anger appeared to have transmuted into something more productive (determination, perhaps?)

I'm wondering again whether I should increase the number of loops to 6. I'll stick to the prescribed number for the time being, though. Finishing this listening spree on Friday, then it's a break until Wednesday.

[Have at ye]

It's been kinda rough, this past week. Anyhow, I'm feeling better physically, so I'm back to my physical regimen, should be able to go back to bardic practice next week (and really, I could use being able to do something productive, as sitting at home and farting in my pillows is a surefire path to unpleasant overthinking). Had some childhood-related dreams tonight, and then cried a little bit in the morning. It's kinda like some part of me is trying to protect the good, loving and innocent parts of my childhood, burying them beneath tons of crap. I dunno, makes no sense, but feels this way.

Anyhow, had another conclusion just about now, and it is - I need to start being able to forgive people, like, for real. Trouble is, I can pretty easily understand why people do what they do (and especially people who actually love me, yet insist on hurting me *because* of this); on the emotional level, though, there's been so much of it (and I am going to call it what it is - manipulative emotional abuse) that the emotional parts of me have really had enough of it, are extremely afraid of it happening again (and again, and again... Kee-rist) and thus are unwilling to let go of it in the hopes of avoiding further damage.

The thing is, though, that this is no way to live, and I'm really, really tired of it. I cannot expect apologies, or closure of any sort - best I can hope for is someone actually coming to the conclusion that they've been doing is wrong, but coming clean or honestly saying they're sorry? Nope, hadn't seen that happen yet.

So, even though I'd rather not - because it's scary - I'm going to have to forgive and let go of all that, because somebody's fucking gotta. Might as well be me. Ehh.

By the way, this kinda reminds me of that Metallica \m/ song, "Unforgiven". I won't be linking it up here, as it's pretty well known I guess.

Anyroad, putting on my loops for the day in a little bit and then it's four days of break. There's a chance I'll be feeling well enough to maybe go strut my stuff around town over the weekend for a bit.

[Have at ye]

Yesternight's loops felt really, really *nice*. Now on break.