03-03-2024, 03:43 PM
Day 21,
Noticing that my priorities have really narrowed in the previous year or two.
I was offered to take a low-price trip to Mexico. It sounded nice at first, but quickly soured when I considered it.
Maybe I'm getting wiser to the opportunity cost; five days in a nice country, but I'd be third wheel to a couple - and I know the dramas of that couple - in a foreign country where I half-speak the language. Was at a party yesterday where they spoke the language quickly and fluently over loud music, and I couldn't really get by. Imagine five days of that, PLUS the stresses of travel, PLUS the lost vacation time.
If I've already been there - or have done something similar - I know what to expect, and I don't want to live out those expectations. If there's an upside, I'm not willing to go through the downside to experience the upside, or maybe the upside isn't that great (or the upside is predictable because, as I said, I've been there before).
In a similar vein, women don't really excite me like they used to. If you've haven't met them yet, and they're interested in you, it seems like they don't show it.
In fact, it seems like I need to initiate or re-initiate a ton, even when they're very friendly and nice in person.
I've gotten burnt out on needing to lean in first, using up a lot of time and energy, for the potential of a result. If I don't lean in, they don't do it.
A few years ago, it would feel like the end of the world if I didn't have a woman in my life, and that the time between one woman and the next was spent with some psychic misery.
Now, I can understand the societal pulls and pushes that explain why women are as they are.
There's also simple economics to it; women are pursued all the live long day, so they can pick the offer that is best to them. I, on the other hand, don't want to exert much effort.
There's also the biological aspect, where our mentalities can be very different based on our goals.
I also understand myself, and that I probably wanted the sexual validation to prove that I could "get girls".
Now, I think that the hole is plugged; I've hit big enough numbers to where my ability is not in question.
I've also gotten with a quality of woman I wanted to get with.
Still, like a freshly caught fish, they can slip out of your grasp at any point, trying to return to the water.
That's fine, but what motivation do I have to pour time and energy into people who can leave at any point?
There's also a lot of risk and vulnerability involved in starting a new relationship; a certain degree of vetting is needed, otherwise she can blow your shit up from the inside with little effort.
Features that I used to not care about - because I only considered short-term relationships - are now red flags, and deflate me of any motivation to pursue even that.
So, no dating apps, approaches, or real thought towards dating since October.
I've been grinding at my martial art, exercise, have been tilling and curating three different book ideas, and I'm planning out a technological solution for how to better analyze politics.
Maybe I should brush up on my Spanish, too.
Noticing that my priorities have really narrowed in the previous year or two.
I was offered to take a low-price trip to Mexico. It sounded nice at first, but quickly soured when I considered it.
Maybe I'm getting wiser to the opportunity cost; five days in a nice country, but I'd be third wheel to a couple - and I know the dramas of that couple - in a foreign country where I half-speak the language. Was at a party yesterday where they spoke the language quickly and fluently over loud music, and I couldn't really get by. Imagine five days of that, PLUS the stresses of travel, PLUS the lost vacation time.
If I've already been there - or have done something similar - I know what to expect, and I don't want to live out those expectations. If there's an upside, I'm not willing to go through the downside to experience the upside, or maybe the upside isn't that great (or the upside is predictable because, as I said, I've been there before).
In a similar vein, women don't really excite me like they used to. If you've haven't met them yet, and they're interested in you, it seems like they don't show it.
In fact, it seems like I need to initiate or re-initiate a ton, even when they're very friendly and nice in person.
I've gotten burnt out on needing to lean in first, using up a lot of time and energy, for the potential of a result. If I don't lean in, they don't do it.
A few years ago, it would feel like the end of the world if I didn't have a woman in my life, and that the time between one woman and the next was spent with some psychic misery.
Now, I can understand the societal pulls and pushes that explain why women are as they are.
There's also simple economics to it; women are pursued all the live long day, so they can pick the offer that is best to them. I, on the other hand, don't want to exert much effort.
There's also the biological aspect, where our mentalities can be very different based on our goals.
I also understand myself, and that I probably wanted the sexual validation to prove that I could "get girls".
Now, I think that the hole is plugged; I've hit big enough numbers to where my ability is not in question.
I've also gotten with a quality of woman I wanted to get with.
Still, like a freshly caught fish, they can slip out of your grasp at any point, trying to return to the water.
That's fine, but what motivation do I have to pour time and energy into people who can leave at any point?
There's also a lot of risk and vulnerability involved in starting a new relationship; a certain degree of vetting is needed, otherwise she can blow your shit up from the inside with little effort.
Features that I used to not care about - because I only considered short-term relationships - are now red flags, and deflate me of any motivation to pursue even that.
So, no dating apps, approaches, or real thought towards dating since October.
I've been grinding at my martial art, exercise, have been tilling and curating three different book ideas, and I'm planning out a technological solution for how to better analyze politics.
Maybe I should brush up on my Spanish, too.
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal