Unmessing Up My Mind, Heart, and Spirit - EPHRA 5.11G

[Ampersnd]

Day 56,

I'm starting to get the feeling that a LOT of my internal motivation has been related to disfunction (shame, guilt, fear, sticking it to someone).
Don't want to do much with friends. Don't want to grind super hard with my instruments.
Also no desire to build up any new interests from the ground up, as I used to do.
Started to lose that interest with my extra-curricular coding/tech things.
It's not depression or malaise, but a certain balls-to-the-wall motivation that used to be there is no longer there.
(It doesn't help that I am fighting a minor cold)

Gives me the sense that I will need to run the latest version of Ultra Success to create positive motivations inside of me.

[Ampersnd]

Day 67,

Having issues with my regulatory college and their contradictory feedback to my SMART goal. It matters enough to them that not meeting their deadline means a suspension.
I did submit it on time (so that's not the issue), but I did not see their email from late February, blending in with their other emails about elections and their committees. I only got a phone call reminder yesterday; I got back to them quickly and I have until tomorrow to send a revision/

I don't work in the field, so I didn't have the motivation to do a ton of professional development work, but it fueled a fire under my haunches. I'm reading the books I pledged to read.
I wrote feedback to their feedback, and how meeting that feedback involves a major contradiction, barring a misunderstanding of the terms they've used (and I reviewed those terms many times). And their criteria - as worded - is impossible to meet for a non-practicing practitioner (being non-practicing is not against the rules, but it's more difficult to demonstrate an improvement in your learning, because you don't apply it day-to-day).

I'm going to revamp my goal to be as stellar as possible; getting that done tonight.

Had a very strange dream last night, where I was back to being a 12-15 year old boy on a school field trip with classmates; we went to this dock/pier, and it was later at night. Buses full of terrorists rolled up and rounded up our classmates, executing us assassination style. I work my way out of a situation, slip away and get to safety. I don't know what happened afterward, but I didn't have the instinct to get help; only to save myself. When I woke up, I realize how foolish that was, and that I was thinking selfishly, and that my thinking would lead to needless deaths among my friends. Even so, it's weren't my fault that these dream-world terrorists were killing us!

Woke up very drowsy and tired, having to fight to get out of bed and not fall back asleep, after enough sleep.

[Ampersnd]

Day 73,

I'm starting to surrender to my inner workings; it wants to lay off the gas pedal.
There's nothing definite in the GPS at the moment, either. I'm getting frustrated that I haven't gotten 'there' what I don't know what 'there' is, and that I don't really want to.
I'm qualified for a better-paying job, but there's nothing within me that's trying for it.

[Ampersnd]

Day 79,

I'm currently halfway through a 72-hour water fast, for basic health reasons and a bit of a reset; this is not medical advice, though plenty of people fast for personal or spiritual reasons.
It's interesting to know that your human limits are greater than you think they are; a lot of my interest in food is psychological and habit-based.
I know that we need to eat, but after an initial adjustment, your body adapts and you have a very muted buzz of hunger; quite manageable.
Yesterday after work, I kept busy and started some basic planting. Wrote over 2000 words for a potential book.
The period of time I associated with eating became one of "doing a bunch of stuff".

It's cool to know that - at least in this respect - I am in the company of hunters from days old, who probably had spans of no food while out chasing their prey. Not somebody so domesticated that they "need" to put food in their belly every 6-12 hours.

[Ampersnd]

Day 80,

I'm at hour 62 of my fast. I will be breaking it at around 5 PM, which will make it 68-69 hours or so.
I'll be doing an athletic hobby at hour 70-71, hence why I'm cutting the fast a little short. (short from 72)

Still a very valuable learning experience, where there's a balancing act of "listening to your body".
My body was filled with mental cravings, urging me to eat this or eat that, which I ignored to make it so far.
At the same time, my body occasionally got a bit uncoordinated, which informed me that I should re-up on my potassium and magnesium supplements.

[Ampersnd]

Day 100,

Well beyond the half-way mark (85 days), so it's all about building momentum from here.
That cloud of nihilism seems to have passed. I shook off the haze about a month ago when I agreed to doing two language challenges on a language reading/learning app (LingQ) for 90 days; both in Spanish and German.

Subliminal-wise, I've missed a couple of days in the last two cycles, so I did flex the 5 on 5 off cycle a LITTLE.

Today, I was hit with some enthusiasm about doing freelancing work, but I'm suddenly reminded of all of the BS related to my run in 2019; I ran out of gas to do it within 3 months, but I must have made about 3,000 USD from it.
I've developed a lot more confidence since then, and have developed much more skill in high-value areas, but it comes down to presenting that to any potential prospects.
I will refuse low-ball offers because those guys are not only the penny-pinchers, but they also want to revise over and over again.
I also wonder how AI has affected the pricing and volume of deliveries, and how competitive certain areas are.
Not sure I will dive in just yet, but I have some ideas.

I am 50,000 words into a first draft for a new book; started that on April 10th. Have built up momentum this past week. This book might reach 100,000 words on draft 1. I know that draft 2 will involve a lot of cutting, hopefully to something better suited to my target audience (young men). Padded word counts on draft 1 are the name of the game, since you are purging all of your ideas from your head, good or bad.
At least, getting the first draft done, then I might consider money-making. Or, it's a mad rush to complete the book.

Future plans: Latest version of Ultra Success; might continue until AM7 comes out. Or, I'll do a sex/woman related one instead of AM7 if it hasn't released yet, since I've put that aspect of life on the backburner for about 9 months.

[Have at ye]

Since the advent of various forms of AI, freelancing's been rough, at least in my neck of the woods (translations). The competition's fierce and the rates have gone down by nearly half over the 21 years I've been doing this crap. So personally I'm more of a fan of stable jobs now, with freelancing maybe as a source of additional spending money.

Then again, I'm a little burned out, so maybe it's just me complaining.

[Ampersnd]

Day 103,

I feel like I've dropped a lot of self-victimizing talk, where I carried some resentment from my childhood. I can't confuse people not wanting to interact with me in a particular way as "treating me like shit." I'm thinking back to high school, where the most cute girls weren't interested in dating me, but then again, I didn't really progress things in that way.

Today, there is a really hot early-30-something gym girl where I exercise. Have seen her there a bunch. I've never spoken with her, but she did linger a bit by the shoe rack today, right near me, while I was there. I didn't have anything I wanted to say in particular to her then. With that intel, I would feel okay with sparking up a conversation if there is an opening.

[Ampersnd]

Day 104,

Have had a minor breakthrough today.
You either wait for your boring death, or you walk to an exciting death of your choice.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Z154kO0...eezyWaiter

[Ampersnd]

Day 105,

I think that I've shaken off some sexual hangups or shame. Dreamt all night that I had some kind of sex with at least two different women, and that women that I started conversations with were interested in sex with me. I woke up with a lot of "vigor", which is something that is unusual.
I've taken a break from pursuing women since last September, so perhaps I will be internally motivated to go back to pursuing.

[Ampersnd]

Day 106, early AM,

Not going to lie.. I'm horny as hell. I really want to start having sex again.
I took a break and didn't really care; I'm starting to care now.
Will need to decide at what point I will let off of my primary goals and boot up my dating profiles again; might feel motivated enough to speak to women in person, despite limited success.
Just might wait until I run AM7 or DMSI or X4A-xxxx before doing so.
Even Ultra Success might help.

Brief story: I was at Jiu Jitsu and an old-timer female blue belt asked to try some moves on me which involved me using some underhooks from closed guard. For non Jiu-Jitsu people, this is basically missionary position, except she was working on some headlocks.
She's at least 10 years older than me.
It's normally a platonic thing, but this time there was a vibe.
I try to shut any of those animalistic vibes off during Jiu Jitsu; fortunately, it was all mental, but the thoughts were as they were.

[Ampersnd]

Day 108,

I realize that I have some inner shame and guilt from "just" wanting to have sex.
This is surprising because I've had plenty of "just sex" and have stated as much. Have been on a break for about 9 months now.
I think my inner rational is that I expect to trigger some unmet expectations in the women with whom I'm having "just sex," even if I'm clear about what I'm trying to do from the start.

[Ampersnd]

I smashed through a four-plate deadlift, a plateau that I had flirted with for years. My absolute strength was not a primary goal until recently.
I made a point of adding 2.5 pound plates on each side after the fact, and made it a 410 lbs traditional deadlift PR; could have done more weight.

[Ampersnd]

Day 170 will be July 29, 2024.
The usage instructions are to run the 10-day cycle 17 times.
After that, Ultra Success.