One day I'll get this all right ... What I was fighting last night was not the fear. I thought I was overcoming or pushing past it. Turns out what I was fighting was the frm pulling me deeper into the core fears that need to be addressed. We aren't done yet, as much as I would like to believe. Sometimes the truth is unpleasant, but it's better to have it vs deluding myself because I'm afraid to get to the root.
Basically I can momentarily override my fears with the use of willpower. This was being used as a sort of exit route to prevent going deeper into what I truly feared. Again an example of using positivity to mask the fact I was avoiding yet again. Willpower is finite however and what happens is I burn myself out trying to maintain it. Eventually it comes back and I go into the same process under the false assumption I'm being proactive vs self sabotaging.
Moral of this story. Expectations mess everything up. It's better to take everything moment to moment vs expecting a certain outcome. Part of that I feel is fear as well. Expectations can stem from wanting a certain outcome or being afraid of the unknown. Both related to a desire for control. I guess part of me is only comfortable with processing the instructions of the sub that are in alignment with what I'm familiar with. Which is dumb because I have a very very narrow perspective on life.
Also going through my older journals. Man, so many times I've reached epiphanies and realizations but they don't go far beyond that or I just lose it. I really don't get it sometimes. I've had insights and then look back and made the same discovery almost a year ago... What the hell happened? I think I know. I give myself a pat on the back when I make these discoveries and shy away from the actual action that needs to be carried out WITH the realizations.
I guess there's a huge different between knowing what needs to change and having a ton of insight vs doing it. There are some people that just aren't all that self aware and all they need is a little inner focus to get things right. I feel like I'm painfully self aware, but something else stops me and it frustrates the hell out of me sometimes.
Basically I can momentarily override my fears with the use of willpower. This was being used as a sort of exit route to prevent going deeper into what I truly feared. Again an example of using positivity to mask the fact I was avoiding yet again. Willpower is finite however and what happens is I burn myself out trying to maintain it. Eventually it comes back and I go into the same process under the false assumption I'm being proactive vs self sabotaging.
Moral of this story. Expectations mess everything up. It's better to take everything moment to moment vs expecting a certain outcome. Part of that I feel is fear as well. Expectations can stem from wanting a certain outcome or being afraid of the unknown. Both related to a desire for control. I guess part of me is only comfortable with processing the instructions of the sub that are in alignment with what I'm familiar with. Which is dumb because I have a very very narrow perspective on life.
Also going through my older journals. Man, so many times I've reached epiphanies and realizations but they don't go far beyond that or I just lose it. I really don't get it sometimes. I've had insights and then look back and made the same discovery almost a year ago... What the hell happened? I think I know. I give myself a pat on the back when I make these discoveries and shy away from the actual action that needs to be carried out WITH the realizations.
I guess there's a huge different between knowing what needs to change and having a ton of insight vs doing it. There are some people that just aren't all that self aware and all they need is a little inner focus to get things right. I feel like I'm painfully self aware, but something else stops me and it frustrates the hell out of me sometimes.
INFP
