11-29-2018, 06:33 PM
Wanted to talk about a dream I had the other day. Without dragging it out and getting longwinded it was basically me talking to a girl and her constantly questioning why I was the way I was. It hit me really hard in the dream and after waking up. I've gone most of my life feeling like there is something inherently wrong or flawed with me. I spent years trying to disprove that through being good at something, getting people to like me more, being overly friendly, avoiding, whatever else I developed. I used these things as sort of buffers to never get the chance to see the real core individual. I guess at the heart of things I was more terrified of being true to myself and being rejected vs contorting myself to fit and control my interactions with people.
It was always a real slap in the face growing up and a horrible cycle. Suffering from a serious case of social anxiety would cause me to act different around people. People would sense this and feel there was something "wrong" and treat me as such. This generated more anxiety which made it harder to be myself, which resulted in more rejection from my peers. The more this happened, the more I was unable to separate my anxiety from who I was as a person. Eventually they just melded into each other and as I whole I perceived myself to be defective or worthless as a person.
I'm still unraveling this one. There's a certain detachment to something like this or denial. Knowing on one level this isn't true, but on another completely different level feeling that gnawing sensation that something is wrong with me. It presents a real cognitive dissonance at times.
It was always a real slap in the face growing up and a horrible cycle. Suffering from a serious case of social anxiety would cause me to act different around people. People would sense this and feel there was something "wrong" and treat me as such. This generated more anxiety which made it harder to be myself, which resulted in more rejection from my peers. The more this happened, the more I was unable to separate my anxiety from who I was as a person. Eventually they just melded into each other and as I whole I perceived myself to be defective or worthless as a person.
I'm still unraveling this one. There's a certain detachment to something like this or denial. Knowing on one level this isn't true, but on another completely different level feeling that gnawing sensation that something is wrong with me. It presents a real cognitive dissonance at times.
INFP
