USLM v3 - Big Fig Wasp

[LionKing]

How do you schedule running the two programs within a day: back to back, or USLM at night and FRS at work, or...?

[Raz]

How do you schedule running the two programs within a day: back to back, or USLM at night and FRS at work, or...?

I run DRS during the day. The timing changes with my schedule. But since the two loops together are only 2 hours 48 minutes, it's easy to fit it in any time.

I start USLM when I go to bed. So the first five hours of my nights sleep, even though this also changes with my work schedule.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 33] || DRS [Day 46]

I think I might drop DRS. Although there is an upside to using it, I am not entirely convinced that the benefits outweigh the invested energy.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 37]

For the past few nights I had a lot of intense, intricate and long dreams. The intensity is growing with each night. This is fun!

[Raz]

USLM [Day 40]

All the USLM magic stopped. It seems the energy is needed to work on dissolving something. The past few nights I slept on average 9 to 10 hours, last night a whooping 13 hours. Long weird ass dreams.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 42]

Success: My manuscript is now through the peer review and officially accepted. Additionally, the journal editor was impressed by my figures. He informed me, that one of them will be made journal cover picture of the issue my manuscript is going to be published in.

And here I was having some resistance thoughts about changing the subliminal. Ain't gonna happen.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 47]

The past days have been like a rollercoaster. Several not-so-good news arrived, but with just a little bit of push back I was able to sort everything out and convert each situation into something positive for me.

In the mornings I feel detached and vacation-like (probably courtesy of taking Ashwagandha before sleep), during the day I slip slowly into some desperation (which is unfounded BS) and then I slowly rise into my detached everything-moves-according-to-my-liking state again.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 51]

Some part(s) of me are trying to resist and sabotage USLM. Thoughts of changing the subliminal are present almost every day now, but without focus and just highlighting different programs without real conviction.

Another tactic is trying to convince myself that I can easily supplement USLM with another program. Which definitely will only derail and nullify USLM.

Last night I ran the wrong subliminal by mistake. Though I am convinced that this is no coincidence but direct unconscious sabotage.

Seems like I am hitting a sweet spot with USLM.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 56]

I am still thinking about changing the subliminal. I don't know what else I want to run. I am totally clueless. This is somewhat messing with my head. I know this is just a tactic to try and run away from USLM.

I am procrastinating/doing nothing on purpose/trying to distract myself all day long. But it is hard to find stuff to run away to, since I have done this to exhaustion. And so I am getting restless, mindless.

Looking back, I see all the improvement that has been going on. All the throwing away of useless behaviors, formerly ingrained excuses and hollow activities. But there are still enough distractions left.

I've been in some kind of limbo for the past two weeks. I hope this will pass soon. I think, I have experienced this strange state of resistance over and over again in the past. At first I would give in after a few days and change the subliminal. If I stubbornly refused for some days, I would soon begin mixing with other subliminals, derailing any chance for further progress. Sub-hopping would ensue. And it would take months to stabilize again. Rinse and repeat. Or so it seems right now.

Just refusing to change the subliminal seems to take up a lot of headspace. In the meantime I am totally useless, unproductive, uncreactive. Strangely, there is no consciously noticeable fear around. Only restlessness as I watch myself consuming mindless content just so that I fill up the hours of the day. And then another and another and another.

I lack willpower and drive. The less fear and guilt and shame I experience, the less I strive to correct my behavior. But I certainly enjoy and find pride in the fact that I am superficially/consciously free from the big three. Took a lot of time to get here. The flip side of the coin, however, is apathy. Why should I strive to improve myself, my world, my life? In the end all of it is meaningless. A stupid game where we run around like headless chickens, tip-toeing around a set of eternal but everchanging rules. And when the music stops, none of it matters. So why should it matter now? Do I have a chemical imbalance or is everybody else oblivious to this? It shouldn't be the latter, since I am not someone special. At least I am not arrogant/delusional enough to believe that.

So, why strive? I'll simply procrastinate another 30 or so years and then all this ends anyway. At least for this reality slot. This is really pathetic 

[Raz]

Funny thing when I am in this kind of resistance mode is how I suddenly enjoy the kind of music I loved years ago when I was in a permanent state of resistance.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 57]

All the rollercoaster/resistance doesn't necessarily mean that I don't execute USLM at least partly right now.

My flow heater died at the weekend and by coincidence/synchronicity this morning (monday) a repair guy was in the house for something unrelated. In the meantime my landlord called his boss, the boss called me and after I confirmed that I am at home the boss called his repair guy. My flow heater got changed on the spot, the bill went to my landlord.

The repair guy remarked how the usual waiting time to get repairs done is some days at the moment and how lucky I was that he was in the house by chance. I smiled and nodded. Got some free supplies for my air exhauster as well 

[Raz]

USLM [Day 65]

Things are quiet at the moment. I seem to have an elevated baseline for synchronicities and generally there are no real obstacles in my way. I am on a long stretch where I am calm and optimistic, but also a bit too content/lazy.

I have, however, still almost daily thought trains running through my head about changing subliminals. That makes it more than 20 days in a row. I observe and think them through, but still stubbornly refuse to give in. This internal conflict is not reflected in my dreams, which are mostly positive or dull at the moment.

[Raz]

USLM [Day 69]

Lots and lots of thoughts about how it would be so much better to run another subliminal. I can fill hours finding reasons to run ASC/AM/DMSI/LTU/MLS/etc. But in the end it never is really convincing and without conviction. Just fear-based thinking. But I don't know what exactly the source is.

In the meantime I am operating on auto-pilot. No creative thoughts/impulses, just re-actions to what the external world throws at me. I am going entirely with the flow. Not very self-actualized.

[Raz]

I discontinue USLM from this moment on.