12-12-2018, 03:21 PM
Thanks Zane. I'm wishing to nurture our relationship--for her. This is what SHE needs.
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I think I write here mostly for some brotherly support. When it comes down to it, yes I do that. Being honest, but responsible for myself, is what I'm seeking to be.
Today I'm making some big moves, or agreements, with my trader, a woman. I say agreements since my last trader, another woman, was chaotic. I asked my trader what I might expect considering I'd been thinking the other is the "norm". She paused, which made me consider my message, and I realized I was focusing on my past. I told her, and I changed to my present place and time. She did ask if the other trader and I were dating. No, I'd not stayed with her for that reason. I admitted, slowly, that the other was more of a mother figure to me. I validated this while realizing and admitting that she is very chaotic, just like my mother. She laughed. I did admit, and am still accepting, that it's just too stressful for me. One chaotic mom is enough for me, and I'm tiring of that, quickly. This is new--I'm actually getting tired of it.
BTW, after this discussion, I finally listened to my mom's message she left Sunday...........makes me angry actually. Dammit, if one didn't have major problems every single day. (Poor victim---blechhhhh) Damn. Guilt and anger arise both there. I'm listening to USLM hybrid presently, SEEKING some self-reliance and peace in it. It did make me feel more relaxed when I turned it on. Being honest, I've been dependent on her for things she can not deliver--meaning nothing but stress for me. Thank you Shannon for the reality check weeks back, and with that, thanks for working on LTU.
Breathe.......
Moments ago I realized I'm in "pity me" mode...... I won't share--since I'm no victim. I made an unwise move, and I made it myself. I just have results. Not good results. But I learn more from bad choices. I can make a different choice next time.
______________________________________________________
I think I write here mostly for some brotherly support. When it comes down to it, yes I do that. Being honest, but responsible for myself, is what I'm seeking to be.
Today I'm making some big moves, or agreements, with my trader, a woman. I say agreements since my last trader, another woman, was chaotic. I asked my trader what I might expect considering I'd been thinking the other is the "norm". She paused, which made me consider my message, and I realized I was focusing on my past. I told her, and I changed to my present place and time. She did ask if the other trader and I were dating. No, I'd not stayed with her for that reason. I admitted, slowly, that the other was more of a mother figure to me. I validated this while realizing and admitting that she is very chaotic, just like my mother. She laughed. I did admit, and am still accepting, that it's just too stressful for me. One chaotic mom is enough for me, and I'm tiring of that, quickly. This is new--I'm actually getting tired of it.
BTW, after this discussion, I finally listened to my mom's message she left Sunday...........makes me angry actually. Dammit, if one didn't have major problems every single day. (Poor victim---blechhhhh) Damn. Guilt and anger arise both there. I'm listening to USLM hybrid presently, SEEKING some self-reliance and peace in it. It did make me feel more relaxed when I turned it on. Being honest, I've been dependent on her for things she can not deliver--meaning nothing but stress for me. Thank you Shannon for the reality check weeks back, and with that, thanks for working on LTU.
Breathe.......
Moments ago I realized I'm in "pity me" mode...... I won't share--since I'm no victim. I made an unwise move, and I made it myself. I just have results. Not good results. But I learn more from bad choices. I can make a different choice next time.
I want to be FREE!
