I've been able to feel my fears today and tonight. I've said I wasn't owned by my feelings on USLM, but I'm realizing when I said "feelings", I was talking about fear.
I'll give some examples. Embarrassing, but fear has worked on me almost every time I even think of them.
One is the small business I joined about a week ago. My upline has (seemingly) ignored my text and email questions about getting started the last 2 times since I was blocked by the payment processor. The first time I emailed him. No reply. I waited 2 days, and then texted him saying "I emailed you 2 days ago". He replied "regarding?" I told him my problem and he gave a one sentence correction, which was enough. I felt forgotten, and was in no hurry to be ignored again. 2 days later, I followed through with his suggestion. I think I knew the mistake I'd made, so I asked him about it via text. No response again.
It's been 2 days again, I feel forgotten again, and ..... I'm seeing this in my head now. I see myself (3rd person) driving down the road. Something is RIGHT in front of me, a danger, and I absolutely refuse to notice it. I'm purposely looking left/right/all around, but not where I'm going. I'm even smiling--since I'm succeeding avoiding my fear. I'm swerving left/right/who cares?.........My goal is not to see my fear. I've lived like this my entire life. I'm still not wanting to see it. Fear grips me from the other unknowns while driving.......but as long as I'm blind to this, I have some "security" in the fact that I don't see what I'm absolutely terrified of.
That's my fear. That....has owned me my whole life long. Security growing up was not noticing it, whatever it was. Home was quiet, minus the TV. There was no talking to Mom since she was doing the same thing--looking anywhere but right now. That's been my life. I saw her abandon herself, and I focused on making her pain go away, as much as a kid can. Considering we had no social standards since we'd isolated as a family, plus our provider (mom) was disconnected from us, what could I do? I learned to do what she did, thinking that might help her. I'd learned I wasn't a priority, so I thought I'd earn worth by fixing her.
I stopped writing, and pointed my attention to myself, knowing my writing above was not really helping. As soon as I even began looking at me and my actions, in my head I saw myself looking around anxiously, frantically, anywhere but straight ahead. That fear has been a wall to what I've not seen. It's kept me (alive, sane, okay??) most of my life. But lately I've felt clear fear when I've noticed that wall, that barrier. Listening to music now which is moving me. It feels/I feel sad. Like I'm seeking help in my head, but outside, no. Like I know 12 step techniques, but haven't gone to meetings in 2 months. Like buying into a business, but am afraid to just do what works, even knowing what I can do that works. These fears all feel linked, like one root is holding them in place.
This is my life, and I've run it on repeat mode for years. I've gone to meetings for almost 20 years, back and forth, low and high, free...and bound. I've jumped into half a dozen businesses, and just plain stopped cold. Do I have control over this? It feels STRONG. Stronger than me, and ominous even--if I challenge it.
"What can I do?", I'm wondering.
Rule 4 stuff is all I have.
The problem is this problem is connected to my brother (I think). When I re-read what I'd wrote above, I went to that house immediately in my head, even the bedroom area, where it happened. It did happen.
I'll give some examples. Embarrassing, but fear has worked on me almost every time I even think of them.
One is the small business I joined about a week ago. My upline has (seemingly) ignored my text and email questions about getting started the last 2 times since I was blocked by the payment processor. The first time I emailed him. No reply. I waited 2 days, and then texted him saying "I emailed you 2 days ago". He replied "regarding?" I told him my problem and he gave a one sentence correction, which was enough. I felt forgotten, and was in no hurry to be ignored again. 2 days later, I followed through with his suggestion. I think I knew the mistake I'd made, so I asked him about it via text. No response again.
It's been 2 days again, I feel forgotten again, and ..... I'm seeing this in my head now. I see myself (3rd person) driving down the road. Something is RIGHT in front of me, a danger, and I absolutely refuse to notice it. I'm purposely looking left/right/all around, but not where I'm going. I'm even smiling--since I'm succeeding avoiding my fear. I'm swerving left/right/who cares?.........My goal is not to see my fear. I've lived like this my entire life. I'm still not wanting to see it. Fear grips me from the other unknowns while driving.......but as long as I'm blind to this, I have some "security" in the fact that I don't see what I'm absolutely terrified of.
That's my fear. That....has owned me my whole life long. Security growing up was not noticing it, whatever it was. Home was quiet, minus the TV. There was no talking to Mom since she was doing the same thing--looking anywhere but right now. That's been my life. I saw her abandon herself, and I focused on making her pain go away, as much as a kid can. Considering we had no social standards since we'd isolated as a family, plus our provider (mom) was disconnected from us, what could I do? I learned to do what she did, thinking that might help her. I'd learned I wasn't a priority, so I thought I'd earn worth by fixing her.
I stopped writing, and pointed my attention to myself, knowing my writing above was not really helping. As soon as I even began looking at me and my actions, in my head I saw myself looking around anxiously, frantically, anywhere but straight ahead. That fear has been a wall to what I've not seen. It's kept me (alive, sane, okay??) most of my life. But lately I've felt clear fear when I've noticed that wall, that barrier. Listening to music now which is moving me. It feels/I feel sad. Like I'm seeking help in my head, but outside, no. Like I know 12 step techniques, but haven't gone to meetings in 2 months. Like buying into a business, but am afraid to just do what works, even knowing what I can do that works. These fears all feel linked, like one root is holding them in place.
This is my life, and I've run it on repeat mode for years. I've gone to meetings for almost 20 years, back and forth, low and high, free...and bound. I've jumped into half a dozen businesses, and just plain stopped cold. Do I have control over this? It feels STRONG. Stronger than me, and ominous even--if I challenge it.
"What can I do?", I'm wondering.
Rule 4 stuff is all I have.
The problem is this problem is connected to my brother (I think). When I re-read what I'd wrote above, I went to that house immediately in my head, even the bedroom area, where it happened. It did happen.
I want to be FREE!
