11-20-2018, 05:12 PM
Straight to the point.
I've lived like a young boy a lot these last 10 years. If anyone I knew (or feared) said "do this", I did it. I did almost anything for attention and approval. I ended up avoiding a lot of people too, for I was embarrassed acting like this, being an adult male. But doing anything for anyone has effectively snuffed out a lot of personal ambitions; I traded me liking me for you liking me, me stuck in fear.
But USLM is changing something in me, I realize I've fought it, and I think I'm on the right road.
I reacted to my coworker today who was being a d*** to me. I told him off, he reacted like a street bully asking people around him to verify his (a**hole-ness), and they remained quiet. He's acted like this coming from a Brooklyn childhood, but.....I really couldn't GAF where he came from.
This was our only tense moment all day. I didn't seek his attention or approval all day, and I thought it good. I wasn't carrying a grudge. I knew something felt right in me since I'd stood up for myself. A similar disagreement happened two days ago, silence followed, but it'd passed by afternoon. And today, we resumed talking in the afternoon without any reference to this morning. Not a "normal" thing, in my experience, as I'd keep a distance years ago just to "show them" I had power. Fantasy thinking. Yes. And I see it now!
This has been my most prolific change in how I've handled people differently lately. It's not all or nothing. It's just what I needed to do. Sounds very simple, and I'm proud of this simple act. I'll even admit I've not had crystal clear, precise goals on USLM except to have self sufficiency, both emotionally and financially. Fear has hidden my goals and desires for years. That sounds whiny, and I'll leave it. I've realized I'm on a cliff of change, and I'm getting closer to jumping into more unknowns--a lot, in fact. I'm still looking down, seeking some old securities---and wow! Something is in me emotionally. I'm running USLM right now on hybrid (I normally run ultrasonic), and a subtle excitement is building. It's growing. And it's more powerful than years of past baggage. I can win this!
__________________________________________________________________________
I'll admit I had thoughts of posting 4 hours ago, when I got home. I even began and deleted it, for I had fears of expressing myself since I realized I tailor my message sometimes, and it ends up being clear--but not altogether honest. Like, it sounds cool, but I'd leave it so people wouldn't really know what I felt or who I was. I'm posting now since I'd read pieces of other's journals just now, and my submissive side began putting on a "I can do that! Yes sir!" mentality. So I came to share what I'm really dealing with.
This was easy to write
I've lived like a young boy a lot these last 10 years. If anyone I knew (or feared) said "do this", I did it. I did almost anything for attention and approval. I ended up avoiding a lot of people too, for I was embarrassed acting like this, being an adult male. But doing anything for anyone has effectively snuffed out a lot of personal ambitions; I traded me liking me for you liking me, me stuck in fear.
But USLM is changing something in me, I realize I've fought it, and I think I'm on the right road.
I reacted to my coworker today who was being a d*** to me. I told him off, he reacted like a street bully asking people around him to verify his (a**hole-ness), and they remained quiet. He's acted like this coming from a Brooklyn childhood, but.....I really couldn't GAF where he came from.
This was our only tense moment all day. I didn't seek his attention or approval all day, and I thought it good. I wasn't carrying a grudge. I knew something felt right in me since I'd stood up for myself. A similar disagreement happened two days ago, silence followed, but it'd passed by afternoon. And today, we resumed talking in the afternoon without any reference to this morning. Not a "normal" thing, in my experience, as I'd keep a distance years ago just to "show them" I had power. Fantasy thinking. Yes. And I see it now!
This has been my most prolific change in how I've handled people differently lately. It's not all or nothing. It's just what I needed to do. Sounds very simple, and I'm proud of this simple act. I'll even admit I've not had crystal clear, precise goals on USLM except to have self sufficiency, both emotionally and financially. Fear has hidden my goals and desires for years. That sounds whiny, and I'll leave it. I've realized I'm on a cliff of change, and I'm getting closer to jumping into more unknowns--a lot, in fact. I'm still looking down, seeking some old securities---and wow! Something is in me emotionally. I'm running USLM right now on hybrid (I normally run ultrasonic), and a subtle excitement is building. It's growing. And it's more powerful than years of past baggage. I can win this!
__________________________________________________________________________
I'll admit I had thoughts of posting 4 hours ago, when I got home. I even began and deleted it, for I had fears of expressing myself since I realized I tailor my message sometimes, and it ends up being clear--but not altogether honest. Like, it sounds cool, but I'd leave it so people wouldn't really know what I felt or who I was. I'm posting now since I'd read pieces of other's journals just now, and my submissive side began putting on a "I can do that! Yes sir!" mentality. So I came to share what I'm really dealing with.
This was easy to write
I want to be FREE!
