11-17-2018, 02:39 PM
I'll share something that's going on in my life. It sucks, but I'm not all enmeshed and attached to the end result.
Last Monday, my niece killed herself. She was on bipolar meds for years, had been in a bad spot for 2 solid days, and finished it with her boyfriend's gun, him even calling the cops before it happened, hoping he'd change her mind. She was only 23, and was slowly breaking away from old patterns. She was heading into her 3rd year of college, having moved recently out of my mother's apartment, her home. (My sister gave up her rights when she was 17). I was never very close to my niece, mainly since she kept almost everything inside, her survival strategy while living with my mom. She was a brilliantly creative introvert.
While trying to sort out burial details, an ugly battle began between my mom and my sister, me wanting no part in pointless pain-making. My mom began grabbing to anything of my niece's since .....fear, fear, and more fear prompted her. My sister fought back, claiming parental legal rights, which I learned she still has.
Fortunately, I have had an excellent intercessor: my ex-wife. My ex was completely stunned when I told her of the suicide, for she's been in regular touch with my niece for years. She'd texted with my niece the day before this happened. My ex contacted my sister, whom she's made peace with in recent years. She found out my sister is trying to make peace with herself by giving back to her daughter something when she'd felt like a failure for so many years. She's attempting a casual memorial gathering, while my mom has insisted on a very rule-oriented, structured memorial (on the Rule 4 end).
It feels like such a cluster****. 2 adults fighting like children. More division and fighting. Uggggg......
I've not involved myself. I've listened to my mom, and I played ignorant to her today, saying I knew nothing, when I know my sister's setting up a memorial herself.
Some hope in this involves my daughter, who attempted suicide a month back herself, mostly from hanging with a very bad crowd. She's seeing the outcome of my niece's suicide, and is seeing all the pain it actually caused. My ex said that it REALLY affected her.
I'll get to see my daughter this weekend since they're coming for the memorial. I thought of this today while at work, and I began getting mad. I realized........I might have lost my daughter. I imagined blowing up at her, yet remembered doing this my last time I saw her. I took some self-inventory, wondering why I was angry. I then did some Rule 4 stuff, seeking help to not damage our relationship in any way. I don't want another cluster****. I want better. Fear and anger feed off each other, causing more and more of it. **** fear.
I am very grateful to have the FRM in USLM. I'm not all in my emotions, yet I feel them. And I'm not owned by them. Thank you for creating the FRM Shannon.
Last Monday, my niece killed herself. She was on bipolar meds for years, had been in a bad spot for 2 solid days, and finished it with her boyfriend's gun, him even calling the cops before it happened, hoping he'd change her mind. She was only 23, and was slowly breaking away from old patterns. She was heading into her 3rd year of college, having moved recently out of my mother's apartment, her home. (My sister gave up her rights when she was 17). I was never very close to my niece, mainly since she kept almost everything inside, her survival strategy while living with my mom. She was a brilliantly creative introvert.
While trying to sort out burial details, an ugly battle began between my mom and my sister, me wanting no part in pointless pain-making. My mom began grabbing to anything of my niece's since .....fear, fear, and more fear prompted her. My sister fought back, claiming parental legal rights, which I learned she still has.
Fortunately, I have had an excellent intercessor: my ex-wife. My ex was completely stunned when I told her of the suicide, for she's been in regular touch with my niece for years. She'd texted with my niece the day before this happened. My ex contacted my sister, whom she's made peace with in recent years. She found out my sister is trying to make peace with herself by giving back to her daughter something when she'd felt like a failure for so many years. She's attempting a casual memorial gathering, while my mom has insisted on a very rule-oriented, structured memorial (on the Rule 4 end).
It feels like such a cluster****. 2 adults fighting like children. More division and fighting. Uggggg......
I've not involved myself. I've listened to my mom, and I played ignorant to her today, saying I knew nothing, when I know my sister's setting up a memorial herself.
Some hope in this involves my daughter, who attempted suicide a month back herself, mostly from hanging with a very bad crowd. She's seeing the outcome of my niece's suicide, and is seeing all the pain it actually caused. My ex said that it REALLY affected her.
I'll get to see my daughter this weekend since they're coming for the memorial. I thought of this today while at work, and I began getting mad. I realized........I might have lost my daughter. I imagined blowing up at her, yet remembered doing this my last time I saw her. I took some self-inventory, wondering why I was angry. I then did some Rule 4 stuff, seeking help to not damage our relationship in any way. I don't want another cluster****. I want better. Fear and anger feed off each other, causing more and more of it. **** fear.
I am very grateful to have the FRM in USLM. I'm not all in my emotions, yet I feel them. And I'm not owned by them. Thank you for creating the FRM Shannon.
I want to be FREE!
