UMS. Let’s get at it

[Rainmak3r]

First thread to have read from start to finish... very insightful.
Thank you for sharing..
I too am on UMS, been on and off since I purchased the program.. but now determined to use it till something Big, Hairy and Audacious manifests.

Thank you for being totally vulnerable and open to sharing your experiences..

[Paul1131]

First thread to have read from start to finish... very insightful.
Thank you for sharing..
I too am on UMS, been on and off since I purchased the program.. but now determined to use it till something Big, Hairy and Audacious manifests.

Thank you for being totally vulnerable and open to sharing your experiences..

Thank you, and I hope you have some awesome success with it.

[Paul1131]

Aaannd the driving force behind this has picked it’s next target. I feel it scratching at another wall. Behind this one is the ball of rage and aggression in my chest. In and of itself rage and aggression isn’t the problem. The issue is that it’s being held in a ball in my chest. By something other than my own will. This is extremely unhealthy and leaks out in extremely unhealthy ways. For instance I have anger fantasies that come upon me unplanned and take me totally away from what I’m doing and thinking about. They border on being dissociative episodes. They went away for the most part on LTU, but they’ve come back a bit on UMS. That is because something that was in LTU that isn’t in UMS was helping, but LTU didn’t go deep enough, so the underlying problem remains.
That underlying problem isn’t the stuff that makes me angry, it’s the fear based inhibition that makes me try to hold the anger under 100% control all the time and not let a drop of it out ever. Matter of fact, I have a lot of inhibitions that have prevented me from doing a lot of things in life.
The thing I can say this one has really done is prevent me from standing up for myself. Actually, it’s not just my anger that’s bound up in a net of inhibition, it’s all of my passions. In any sense of the word. There’s a rev limiter on all of them.
We shall find out why, but I’m not forcing it tonight. Getting through that wall last night took a lot out of me, and I’m exhausted. It will either happen on its own, or I’ll get to it in the next few days.

[Paul1131]

ME: what strikes me about what I’m going through here is how painless it all is. It seems that I should be feeling a lot of shame when I figure out how I’d been deluding myself and not letting my life be what it could be.
I’m not though. I just find it interesting, and I get a strong sense of relief when I get done with one of these things. It’s cathartic and actually kind of fun.
I suspect that the spitting things back out into my conscious mind might be the final phase of FRM. The stuff it’s already fixed gets brought to my attention, and when that’s done it’s nothing but execution. I could be wrong about that.

[Paul1131]

ME: I mentioned that I thought that I’d manifested my current job back in 2015 when I was in on the job training for the job I really wanted. That was more important than I thought. The first reason is that manifestation most definitely works. I manifested my way into that job with the help of FYPJ, and I manifested my way out of it, and eventually into this one. The second reason is that I wasn’t ready for that job. It really may be or may have been my calling, but I had too many issues in very important areas to be able to do it effectively. More importantly, I had not been working on myself throughout the many years that I’ve had these issues in order to make myself ready for my calling. It is a very fast paced, difficult, mentally challenging job where the stakes are often life and death (not just for myself). People who aren’t ready for it shouldn’t be doing it. That’s why the on the job training is set up the way it is.
Before I got into that job, I had done zero internal work to make myself ready. Yeah, I used subs, but only so that I could get the job I was obsessed with. I thought that that was the solution to my problems and that once I “finally got there” I would simply rise to the occasion like it was nothing. Well, I had failed to build a good foundation, so when I did get there, all of the fears and insecurities that I’ve had from the beginning reared their heads and brought the house down.
My subconscious knew this, and when I started to feel overwhelmed, I visualized a job where I could sit all night long and not do much of anything while being pretty much left alone. I’ve had those jobs before, and it seemed like it would be nice. I got what I asked for.
It’s not a bad thing either. It’s exactly what I needed as boring as it is. It gives me the opportunity and the peace and quiet to do the thinking and reflection that I need to do to work through the things that hold me back. And to use subs. I’ve had these opportunities before and not taken or appreciated them. I chose instead to let the boredom drive me nuts, and kill time with endless screwing around. Truth is, super advanced subs or no super advanced subs, I could have been ready for that job if I had been doing any of the work that I’m doing now. The subs make it easier, but it was and always is on me.

[ncbeareatingman]

Paul your growth,healing and evolving-ness is Hellified man, just awesome! its like your a muscle Man,working out in da gym and the development is impressive to say da least. Like Olympic kind of actions, moving thru the various layers,barriers and related. hellafied man, hellafied!!

[Paul1131]

Paul your growth,healing and evolving-ness is Hellified man, just awesome! its like your a muscle Man,working out in da gym and the development is impressive to say da least. Like Olympic kinds action, moving thru the various layers,barriers and related. hellafied man, hellafied!!

Thanks man.  Bear in mind that I’m using subliminal steroids too.  Now if I could just get this kind of breakthrough in the actual gym.....  hey Shannon, can you do subliminal steroids?

[Paul1131]

There is some very good news buried in that last revelation and I forgot to mention it.
I’ve been feeding myself another load of horse hockey and chowing down on it. I Had been thinking of getting fired those two times as a statement by the universe on my general ability and my general worth. That was fear talking. As in I was afraid that that was true so that’s what I focused on.
I didn’t lose those jobs because I wasn’t good enough, or too stupid, or inferior. I lost it because I hadn’t done the work I needed to do and had the wrong approach to my goals. That’s fixable and I’m fixing it as we speak. Once again, one of my major fears is smoke.

[Paul1131]

ME: I had an interview for a part time job in the field I want to be in today. Zero nervousness. I may have felt a little bit before hand, but none after I got in there and got doing it. Everything was flowing, I was smiling, I even made them laugh quite a bit throughout the whole thing.
That is a HUGE change. When I started taking this type of interview, I could barely talk through the fear. Something inside me was sending me signals that I was going to DIE. Even when I got more used to it I came off as wooden and robotic and still felt nervous.
I think my realization from this morning was the reason. I used to see anyone with that type of job as “better than me”. Now I don’t. I also used to have my ego super involved in wether I got each and every particular job. Now I don’t.
As to the “better than me” thing, the reason this threw me into a near fear of death state was that it got to my inner cave man. Back in the day, when a lower status male was being judged by higher status males, it was serious business. They could kick you out of the tribe or outright kill you if they didn’t like what they heard. That’s a base programming fear.

[findingme]

Self worth issues. Check.

I began looking for your thread again, but that same voice of "they're better than me" popped up. Writing anyway. Thank you for sharing with detail in your thread here. I relate.

[Paul1131]

Self worth issues.  Check.

I began looking for your thread again, but that same voice of "they're better than me" popped up.  Writing anyway.  Thank you for sharing with detail in your thread here.  I relate.

I’m not better than you.  I promise.

[Paul1131]

WIFE: She came home last night very late and told me that someone at work told her that she is too slow at doing certain tasks. She says that when doing it she felt “stuck in molasses, but I didn’t know it until I looked up at the time”. She described feeling like time had sped up but she hadn’t leading her to take a really long time doing a task that she feels that she should have done quickly. It really knocked her for a loop and has her questioning her competence, worried about wether she will be able to keep her job beyond her temp contract, and in a downward spiral. She is generally improving with her mental health and outlook, but that improvement is still delicate. One thing can knock her into a pit of negativity. I don’t think that the pits are lasting near as long as they used to, but we’ll see with this one. They also aren’t likely to improve anything about her performance, which worries me.

ME: I felt awesome for a few hours after my interview yesterday until I called my wife an hour after she should have gotten off work. She sounded worried and dejected so I was concerned that she might lose her job. That Apparently hasn’t happened.
I noticed that while I waited several hours to hear from her again, I was not nearly as anxious as I would have been this time last year.
When she got home, just as she was pulling in the driveway, We got notice that we are being sued by our HOA. They’ve been at us for years charging a huge amount of money for violations that were trying to fix but either can’t or can’t afford to. (IE bare spots in the front lawn caused by rabbits, dead trees that will cost thousands to replace, weeds that will not die and grow back even if pulled up by the roots). It’s a considerable amount of money.
At first I was stressed and upset, and I continued to be so when I woke up this morning, but then I started thinking about it. What I am doing here is getting my crap together to build a foundation to go further. Well, to do that, I need to get all the problems that I have been putting off because they seemed like an insurmountable knot solved and cleared. I can’t do that unless they all come to light and come out into the forefront. That’s what’s been happening with my mental blocks, and now it’s happening in the physical world. This may not be a pleasant process, but it is necessary. The problem being as big as it is is my responsibility because I ignored it, and now I have to deal with it. Once again, I am a hell of a lot less stressed than I would have been last year.

[ncbeareatingman]

damn that's incredible Man. I'll keep this short....look at what all UMS1 is doing for Us all,just imagine what version 2 & 3 will do down the road. I know that that's not the reality right now,however it is indeed,encouraging to say da least for the coming months into 2020 & 2021. Blessings Paul and Wife, your respective progress is amazing and inspiring!!
PS: I bet She keeps that job and gets a raise!!

[Paul1131]

damn that's incredible Man. I'll keep this short....look at what all UMS1 is doing for Us all,just imagine what version 2 & 3 will do down the road. I know that that's not the reality right now,however it is indeed,encouraging  to say da least for the coming months into 2020 & 2021. Blessings Paul and Wife, your respective progress is amazing and inspiring!!
PS: I bet She keeps that job and gets a raise!!

Thanks man, and blessings to you too.  
I’d actually be a little iffy about switching right now even if a new version came out today.  This version of FRM (I assume that’s what’s doing this) has made a major breakthrough, and I’m continuing to make observable (to me) internal progress at a very rapid pace.  If I suddenly started using a different version that takes a different approach, it might result in a loss of momentum and maybe steps backward as the new FRM gathers momentum.  I don’t think that what I’m going through right now is going to take much longer though, so I should be ready for the next UMS or USLM depending on which I choose.
EDIT: I would bet that you’re right.