Transcendental Sith Lord's OFv2 Journal

[Shannon]

@Shannon Interesting thing that you might want to know. I know in your concept yours didn't have anything to do with "death" but I did feel like in my case there was some of that. It seems like when I got to the point of just saying "Screw it, I'm going to change and if I die in the process or have to give up my life then so be it". After that it seemed like the subconscious didn't have jack shit afterwards. I mean when you get over the ultimate fear of any living thing "death"... what else can it possibly use? I called its bluff and it had nothing else after that. I faced the fear of my own mortality and came out the winner. Funny, now I want to live not because I fear death but because I love life. Since I love life without preconditions I can then live any life in any reality I guess you could say and be happy with that. Not sure if that makes any sense but that's how I like to think of it.

The concept of "change" and the concept of "death" are really one and the same.  People just get them confused because they think death is somehow final.  Death, in any form, is just a change of state.  Thus, the root of all fear is fear of change.  Typically because of a faulty belief, or series of them, that causes misunderstanding of "what is".  But change is the only constant... I always sensed a really deep secret in that simple truth.  Change being the only constant.  

@Shannon btw, there has been something I've been thinking of that I've been meaning to ask you. In your opinion do things like "difficulty" really exist? I've been going it over in my head and I really wonder if it really does. Like maybe its more of a thing of the mind? Sure there are some things that are more time consuming than others but I wonder does this thing called difficulty even exist or is it something purely in our minds? I wonder to get your opinion on it as I haven't really come to a conclusion myself. I guess a bunch of fear must be gone from me if I'm even questioning something like difficulty.

If you consider reality from the point of view of "what is", you will see that all limitations are self imposed.  The key is, how and why are they self imposed?  When you stop imposing them out of fear, then you start having to deal with the limitations that are imposed for more practical reasons.  For example, you exist in a limited, finite body, and that limits you.  That body is necessary to be able to experience the physical world.  And, you exist within a system of systems which pre-exist you, and which exist for a variety of practical reasons, and which are "bigger than you".  So you as an individual will only have as much power to change the system as you have mastery of yourself, your understanding of "what is" and how it works, and how necessary the system is for the greater good.

Difficulty can be framed in a variety of ways.  Artificial, fear-created difficulty only exists while you are making it exist.  Then, upon achieving the level of enlightenment at which fear ceases to exist, so do all of its roots, branches and the fruit it bears.  

Difficulty in understanding a thing can be artificial or not, as in, focusing through a damaged brain and trying to understand 2+2=4 might be very difficult, but that same awareness may find the same thing effortless with another brain.  Beyond the limitations of the body, there is still "difficulty", as in the challenge of creating the change and growth one needs to advance one's awareness and cognition.  But with the right point of view, is it really difficulty?  Or maybe it's just a fun challenge?

[DarthXedonias]

Well, since MLS will probably be coming out in like 2-3 days I thought I should probably make the last post for this journal.

Well starting off I did get some bad news that due to some delays on the University's side I won't be able to start until April 1st. So one month later than I wanted but it is what it is and I'm not down about it. Sometimes shit happens that is out of your control and there's no point getting angry about it. It just is. The good news is due to my past degree with them and previous transcripts I should only need to complete 21 classes to finish the degree. This will move back my time to try to get into a masters degree program to October but I guess that's fine as well. The plan is still to get into an Ivy league university as my first choice or  one of the tech schools (Georgia, Virginia, etc) as my secondary's. Which I did do more research and even with my secondary's I should still be able to get a cushy 6 figure job right afterwards. Though I'm starting to think less and less about that point of it and more of the idea of the potential knowledge I will gain. Mainly because during that few months when I won't be doing schooling I do plan to run UMSv2 which given all the stuff I have cleared out I'm expecting this summer to be quite lucrative.

As far as final results right now I don't really feel any fear whatsoever at all anymore. On top of that no shame or guilt either. I've become quite talkative and have no problem talking to strangers and I notice strangers react differently to me now. Sex isn't even really a serious thing in my mind anymore. Its like if I were to have sex I would be into it in the moment but outside that I don't really care. My dreams and work are more important to me. Talking to people without agenda is more important as well. Another thing for time wasters, especially women, I just block them and move on. I just easily forget any people who try to upset the flow of my life at the moment.

An amazing thing I have noticed though is that simply just removing fear causes major shifts in your life. Its like as soon as I had that first major break thru I lost my other job, which didn't upset me at all, then got a new, better paying job which came with the benefit that I was able to get vaccinated for free. On top of that I work with much, much better people. It does seem that your beliefs do indeed shape your reality. When I still had some fear issues I was working at that Amazon affiliate (I now understand why people say working for Amazon and its affiliates is horrible) where people would constantly lie to you with a straight face, expect you to do outrageous amount of package deliveries (more than double than USPS) yet receive less pay than USPS, they would try to act like they care about you but in the end not really. In some ways I was glad to be rid of that job as I dislike jobs where recruiters will lie straight to your face at the beginning as if your not going to find out eventually.

After the major breakthroughs I landed this job with the benefits I mentioned and people (including managers) who bend over backwards to try to accommodate you and help you out anyway possible. I find it highly unlikely that that just happen out of coincidence. Also things just keep on working themselves out for better. I think its because of this new belief I have of things just happen and they always work themselves out for better. I know it was after one of the breakthroughs that this happened but its been a belief in my mind for a while now and it keeps showing itself to be true. Literally something that could be perceived to be "bad" could happen but I literally don't even take it to heart.  What will happen generally is: (1) something happens later that clears up the bad situation, (2) something happens that shows the previous bad situation is actually a good thing, or (3) it turns out what happened didn't even matter anyway.

Mind you all this rarely happens anyway because I have noticed the amount of bad things that happen in my life right now barely even occur while at the same time the amount of good things that happens seems to keep on happening quite regularly. For example just last week due to a national Vaccine shortage we started working only half days yet our client (one of the major private hospital chains) decided it wasn't our fault and said they would pay us the full 12 hour shift amounts despite only working 5 hours each of those days. This was unheard of in any of the companies I have worked for except for the school in China. Its amazing how after you change your internal beliefs your external reality changes to fit that. So any of those people who were thinking that when Shannon said that your beliefs make up your reality that he was "off his rocker" I can confirm with my own experience that he was not wrong at all nor crazy. I have never experience a time in my life where things consistently seem to be going right.

Hell even the relationship with my mother is much better. Granted I would say its more of an I try to do what I can and she does what she can around the house though we still don't talk much we will go out of our way to help each other if needed. It seems to be this general respect that is upheld now where she doesn't try to annoy me with nonsense anymore and just talks to me if its really, really needed not so she can just bitch and complain. I think after I finally aired out all the shit that had been held in for the last few decades with no fear or anything of the sort it was gotten across that I will not tolerated being treated the way I was being treated and she finally got it that that time is over. I have no more fear of her and therefore I will not allow it to stand anymore. So she has backed down and busied herself with other things. Its so funny actually once I actually stood up to her I realized she only relied on the initial fear she posed to keep me in place. After you get past that mirage of fear she doesn't have anything at all and quickly backs down.

As I alluded to by the sex discussion earlier women is something I don't even really think about often nor do I care as much anymore. I don't even care if I get married or have kids later on. A lot of times I the idea of regular relationships and taking care of kids as too much of an obstacle in the way of my work and dreams now. Maybe I will feel more comfortable about it at a later date but I feel like I'm more of an workaholic now. I feel like there is too much work to be done in this world to improve it to be sitting idly by not doing much. For that reason on my days of now I feel fucking bored to death. I can't even relax much anymore doing "average" things because it doesn't feel productive or fulfilling at all. I guess this is the way I truly am and it was the fear of the outside world that was keeping me from being this way. It feels as if ,not just in this area but others as well, the lies that society has tried to sell me have been removed and I see the society the "masses" (or the "herd" as Nietzsche called them)  worship as : boring, uninventive, sluggish, lazy, and above all mediocre.

Its interesting that before out of fear I would have abased my true self just so I could become part of a community, to have a sense of comradery. Now that that fear is gone and I don't feel: sadness, fear, loneliness, or hatred I have no use for belonging to a community anymore. Why should I lower my potential just for mere feeling of belonging? For some that will sound arrogant though it is not, it is how I truly feel and I make no apologies for it. I'm done apologizing for myself. I've apologized for myself for too long and all it gave me was people requiring me to apologize even further while not giving me the comradery that I seek. At the end of the day the only thing I needed to do was supply my own love, self respect, etc then I am fulfilled. Paradoxically once you start to do this you start to find that others start wanting to follow you or want your approval which perplexes me at times really.

As a last tidbit of something that happened recently a certain idea came to me one night that made me flesh out an idea of how to revolutionize AI. I will have to see if it works in the coming years but I'm pretty confident it will. I just need the required tools when the time is right. I do find something quite deep yet hilarious at the same time. The fact that Shannon is going to make major breakthroughs into knowledge about the subconscious and how to work with it and through that breakthrough it helps me to develop myself to the point of making major breakthroughs in AI. Though I'm sure this "Chain of causation" goes pretty far back with various people and will continue to go on for a long, long time. I just find something interesting and universally comical about all this that I can't quite put my finger on. As if I have this feeling that everything is as it should be.

In closing I owe this sub quite a lot. It has cleared out a lot of things if not most of it. I feel I am finally ready for every other sub I am to run. More importantly it has led me to understand fundamentally what Nietzsche meant when he said: "I have no use of disciples. Let Everyone be their own true follower".

[NOMAD]

"I have no use of disciples. Let Everyone be their own true follower".

I can relate to this statement more and more with each passing day.

[DarthXedonias]

@NOMAD Thanks for the comment. I'm appreciating the quote much more these days as well.

Funny enough I thought the previous post would be my last but some other thins happened recently. So I realized why even more that even though I can stick for myself against my family if they start getting toxic I rather just not deal with it at all. So quite frankly I will just remove myself by trying to get back into China as soon as possible with I will try to do sometime in Early April. Quite Frankly I just need to remove myself from environment totally even though it has become less toxic but I don't want any toxicity in my life. What brought this on was all of a sudden this demand by my mother that I start doing shit for her that she was already doing by herself while I was gone for some reason then start trying to yell at me if I don't do it.

I appreciate being set up here for a few months while I wait to get into China and I do help out when I'm asked to but at the same time I'm not going to be someone's bitch whether it be relative or not. On top of that tried to get me to pay rent when I literally only started the new job 2 weeks ago and then this entire week couldn't work because there is a national Vaccine shortage so the site is closed down. So I don't know where all this money is coming from when I just recently got the job and she tells me this on short notice that I'm supposed to pay rent for next month. I found out I do have the money but by doing that I would literally have nothing left since I just started the job, therefore no money in order to get gas to get to the job. It would seem that I spoke too soon regarding her. She seemed ok for a while now but then it seems she wants to start testing me again to see if she can get back to the "old way" of being.

Some people might be able to tolerate that but after my transformation I sure as hell ain't tolerating that. So its apparent that in order for me to realize my dreams I'm going to have to stay away from this family pretty much indefinitely. I came to this conclusion because its like I had a flash of insight of how my families own mindset keeps them poor and struggling constantly. It is literally rooted in their fear. They are controlled by it and since I have broken away from it I can see so clearly how they sabotage themselves. Its not some "white" person keeping them down its their own selves. I also know what's coming, every time I have started earning decent money my family comes out of the woodworks to start leeching off me, usually to pay for dumb shit they don't even need. For example I remember in the military I had my mother try to call me up to demand money for her real estate license (which she never got again by the way). I tried to say I will see if I have the money next time I'm paid since I had stuff I had to pay for to which she then tried to use guilt and shame to get it out of me.

Either way I have already put in to renew my passport which will be coming in a few weeks. Once I get that back along with the Visa in my old one and have 4k saved up i'm pretty much out of here and have no intention of returning. Passport will be good for another 10 years so have no reason to have to return. Its obvious that I don't need these people and I can't be wealthy here. Its like I see if I tried to stay here to work near silicon Valley for better pay for a few months it wouldn't work because they would see me making good money then all of a sudden everyone would start asking for some. With that mentality I know that would keep me down, so its better to move elsewhere. This is one of those times where it seems being delayed from attending the university by a month worked out for better because had I started earlier I would have reduced my hours which would have made it even longer to reach the 4k target I need to get back to China.

In other news which was the surprising thing is that I did get in contact again with that really hot, busty Asian women. I think I put a picture of her in one of my threads with her face blanked out (I think that thread was lost when the forum migrated servers). Anyway, the story with her was that she was literally an manifestation from when I was running the last version of DMSI. Things were going well while texting on whatsapp but when I went to meet her in Malaysia I might have jumped the gun a bit though she was still fine with me. Thing is I sabotaged myself when I got back as I really thought if I could be with her then made up some reasons that might have sounded logical at the time but now looking back I know they were based on fear. I was afraid of being close to anyone honestly. So I broke it down to her nicely, she took it well at first but then slowly just started ignoring my messages then blocked me.

I ended back up on the site we met up on one day, don't even know why I decided to be on there again, and wondered if she was still on there. She was though she was back in her home country. We had a few messages back and forth where she seemed kind of defensive given how I had sabotaged things. Funny thing is I remember clear as day there was this part of me that said "Whether you end up with her will be your choice really". Last night that ended up being the case finally (she isn't on the site often) as she gave me her whatsapp number and we started talking again, etc. It seems like things are looking up once again and I know this time things will end up much better as I no longer have the fears I once had. The ones that sabotaged the relationship before. I don't know why but out of all the women I'm talking to she is the one i'm most interested in having a relationship with. Obviously part of it is how physically attractive she is but another one might be how uncomplicating she would make my life.

Honestly with her not much would change as she is just fine being an house wife or girlfriend who takes care of the house, takes care of her significant other, and any children. She doesn't seem to need much attention either. I think also she's more on the quiet side and character wise seems decent. I think the reason for this is that even though she is hot she comes from a pretty poor and hardworking family, her parents are both farmers in an already poor country. She's only ever had 3 boyfriends up till now (she's 27) and she is really quite feminine to the point she is obsessed with the color pink. She even dyes part of her hair pink though not in some kind of feminism type of way just that she likes the color so much. So she seems very feminine and traditional in mindset. She also doesn't seem to mind the whole "having other women thing" as much as long as I'm not blatant in her face about it.

Anyway, to me now seems like my life is really coming together at this point. Getting set to get 2 more degrees to make money in a lucrative industry, will be outside the US enjoying other cultures still, with UMSv2 over the summer will more than likely be able to save up for an top tier house in another country, we be far far away from my toxic family, and got back in contact with one of the most beautiful women I ever got to know. So seems like my life has changed quite a lot in just a few months and its set to reach even greater heights over the next year.

P.S. If I feel like it later I might post a picture of her with the face blocked out for those who weren't here during the time I first met her.