Transcendental Sith Lord's E4 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

Well, had to literally drag myself to post something here. After getting better and better mentally I just haven't felt the desire to post here much. Life has been really good. I feel myself being filled with Happiness, light, power, love and joy. This is literally the best time of my life so far emotionally. Even when its not like this its more like a Zen type attitude. I don't know how I would explain it but its like this state of knowing more than feeling. There is a certain phrase that comes to my mind when I'm in this state and I try to analyze myself: "I just am". Don't know how to explain it more than that. Barely even try to remember anything from the past because it doesn't interest me, something blocks me and even when I do remember something I usually just end up forgiving the person who did something wrong to me and in my mind send love in their direction to hope they change. This is very different from how I used to be though how I used to be feels like that was years and years ago for some reason.

As it is now I have this hunch that I just need to stay on this sub a bit longer then I will have everything that I need to move forward with my plans and life in general. Fear, guilt and shame are practically nonexistent in my life now. I've been so thoroughly cleaned out as it were I'm pretty certain I could run any sub at the moment (at any generation) and get the results I want mainly but as I said I will be sticking with this a bit longer as I feel like I need just a little bit more to fully get what I want out of this sub. 

As far as negativity that is pretty much nonexistent. If I had to use percentages of how much a negative thought tries to come to mind during the time of the week I would say it would be at 5% or lower. Mainly it feels as if as soon as something negative comes up something just blocks it and I soon forget about it. There is a funny story related to this actually. Last week because of a misunderstanding I actually thought my boss in China was about to let me go and my contract was going to be cancelled. When this happened I actually didn't think negatively like I would normally would. I felt a part of me trying to go to that place but couldn't fully get there. My reaction was basically: "Oh well, I will simply get an even better job than that one" which would be unheard for me before. I was even thinking about the positive things that would come out of potentially maybe even going to another country instead of staying in China for work. Luckily, this wasn't the case but I was going to be fine either way. 

The last major thing I can think of is that I took fully responsibility for my life. My life as it was before was my doing. If you are fully of anger, rage, hatred and depression your just going to attract more of the same. If you want to have something different your going to have to "be" something different. You only experience what you are really. I have noticed since then I feel like I have a lot more control over my life and funny once your filled with light, love, happiness, joy and power you don't seem to attract negative things in your life as much instead you seem to attract more of the same. Either way that's about all I can think of right now. In the end your the one that is choosing to keep on experiencing what you are current experiencing. Want to experience something different? Then you need to choose to become something different. The only thing stand in the way of that is your fears, shame, and guilt around becoming that new person. Its funny how what Shannon has been saying for years now finally actually makes perfect sense.