Transcendent Sith Lord's LTU 5.0 Journal

[DarthXedonias]

@Shannon Thanks a lot Shannon for the good wishes concerning my decision.

Well, I have a few things to go over. I still noticed one thing still going on that I mentioned even on 4.0. Essentially I still have the issue of sort of procrastinating but as soon as I do start working on what I need to get done its like I go in this "zone" where nothing but me and what I'm working on exist. I am totally focused on it at that point until I make considerable progress or complete it. For example, for the last 2 weeks or so I've basically been taking a break playing video games, watching movies at home, or going to the theater. In the mean time I should have finished up this paperwork for going to Korea (though China has its own paperwork which is less of a hassle so its still on the table). Reason I was annoyed was because I had to get 2 reference letters (I'm writing them myself but told the people I'm referencing that I will do it for them. Didn't feel like bothering them to write it since they are quite busy right now).

I just finished writing 1 of them and it took all of probably 20-30 mins probably. I just need to finish the 2nd one then print them out, sign them, then send them to my email to then send it in a email to the recruiter. I also have to make an introduction video (not that hard) and a lesson plan which they will ask for a demonstration during my interview. The lesson plan then the demonstration will probably take a bit of work but I will be fine. I do admit though I am still thinking about China because I remembered something. About the day I had this paradigm shift happen I had this instant draw to going to China and was really considering it. I really wonder if perhaps this was a sign from my subconscious of what I should really do. I guess we shall see. Funny enough for the China one I would only have to work on a cover letter for now since I have everything else done.

Of course if I pick that route I will have to say goodbye to the current women I'm talking to since she has made it aware she would not want to live in China for any length of time. Its due to certain things going on there that "might" put her at risk to a degree. So, since I would definitely not like a long distance relationship that would be a no go. We will see what country I choose in the end. There is also the Language thing as well. In Korea I could get around with English for a while before I get to know Korean (which is the easiest Asian language to learn). On the other hand learning Mandarin would be time consuming (I refuse to use the word difficult, ugh) and I would have to start learning as soon as I'm there.

Also, the cost are different. In Korea , the rural areas specifically, I would need to buy a car once I'm there. For China you don't really need a car at all as their subway system is really good. Anyway, I just say this because there is a lot of different pros and cons between these 2 countries that makes it a hard decision to make. Funny how after I make this decision I don't really see anymore complicated decisions for a while afterwards. I just see myself running UMS when that comes out and executing the sub so I am independent financially and won't have to work unless I want to. Interesting how confidant I have become in that final outcome. Its interesting that after becoming a lot more assertive personality wise I've become very confidant in the direction my life will go. To me now its as simple as making all the decisions I need to in order to get what I want.

I also remembered something right now. I am coming close to the 4th month mark of running this sub. Obviously, if I count 4.0 that would be more like 4 months and half probably (Can't remember the exact date 4.0 came out). Another thing I should mention is porn is pretty much dead to me. Its interesting how it came about for me. At first it was like I would watch it but just not feel any interest after the fact. Like it was quite boring. I think it was all tied to my "neediness" towards women. As my neediness went down it was like I just felt no interest anymore slowly. This goes to no neediness towards women in real life as well. For example, I went on my POF profile just because I kept getting "want to meet" matches. I checked out a women who viewed my profile who was shapely and had a nice rack.

Thing is I didn't really feel anything. I just didn't feel like she interested me at all. On a similar topic I realized when I have been interested in a women (which has been extremely rare) its because I'm truly interested in her or there is something about her that I can sense in someway that interests me. I've only had that happen one time so far and that was last week. Was waiting to cross a intersection and there was this probably mid 20s Chinese women who was with her elderly parents. It caught me off guard because up to this point I hadn't really shown any interest towards any women so far as much since I started changing a lot. Don't know what it was but something about the way she looked and the "energy" surrounding her attracted me. If I had to guess it seems that my attraction has to be not in just physical terms but , funny enough, the feeling I get from the persons "aura".

It does make me think how my outlook might change once the new DMSI is out. I have the feeling I will shift more towards physical looks and a bit of personality since it will be more focused on sex. For now I assume that the bettering one's love life module is making these decisions based on actual things that will make my love life better in the long term. Even with that said though, I just find myself not caring about being in a relationship at all. My neediness for one is close to zero really. This does remind me of something I had read from other people who "labeled" themselves as INTJ. Some would often say that they also felt A-sexual at times or that they had no feeling to propagate their genes at all. I do feel as I've said before that my goals and purpose has taken center stage now and anything that takes away from that feels like a distraction.

Not saying I can't have fun or enjoy myself but it feels like I'm mostly business now (except for those few times when I procrastinate of course). Anyway, that's about all I have noticed. Changes are still holding up and I'm good with this new version of me. One last thing though I am noticing that those "phantom" pains I was getting from my PTSD did grow back in intensity to a degree. Not sure why there was a certain reversal unless the sub it dealing with burying through another level that is keeping it there. I wish I knew more of what is going on in that regards but I don't at the moment. Guess time will tell if I'm right about that.