Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

I might have spoken too soon about the no fuel for resistance thing or maybe the luck part of this sub brought this event out for the better though it certainly doesn't feel like that.

Well, today was the first day I was actually out and about while running this sub. Was at work and everything seemed to be going well. I was actually doing my job a lot more efficiently and quickly than usual. Had more customers trying to make more conversation then the first thing happened. I saw that Latin chick that I tried to get with a while back ago and I felt instant anger once again. I just tried to ignore her and the boy she was with and did my job. Though at that moment I think I had 2 "wishes" at that point that felt really strongly right after that incident. (1) I wanted to leave this job as soon as possible and even contemplated leaving this week and (2) I really wanted to hurry up even more and leave this country.

It is most likely my fault at this point for this current reality. It seems that I just have it in my head that I associate being in the US with people being rude for the smallest of reasons, lacking any manners, trying to constantly wield their power over others just to make themselves feel better. I do take responsibility for this though I don't know if I can ever escape this association in my mind based on everything I've experienced here and whether I even want to try anymore. At this point instead of fighting it it might just be easier to move to a culture where I might have better reactions from people, particularly women.

To get to the main event though I think the luck part might have responded to my deep seated desires at the moment and caused a major event to happen. Its either that or my subconscious found some way to cause some bad event to happen and used a "scorched earth" tactic in this one way (certainly feels that way sense I don't feel exactly good at the moment). I ended up getting a customer who I could barely understand some of the time because she spoke so quietly and she was on her phone some of the time during the exchange. I do admit I had made a mistake while doing a transaction but I don't think I deserved the talking to I got in front of a big line of people. She basically reprimanded me in front of people and then ,after I had gotten a managers help, had the audacity to ask is, to paraphrase, "we were good". The reason why this was a big deal for me is that this rarely happens and the main thing that triggers my PTSD from being relatively dormant to sometimes just going haywire is when I am talked down to or belittled while in front of a group of people (because those were the main reasons I got it while in the military).

Either way, it got triggered and I essentially was out of it and in my own little world. On top of that I was having panic attacks. It got so bad I had to go to one of the managers and ask to leave early. After my lunch I had to still work for another 20 mins or so til they let me leave. Honestly, I felt so bad that I was contemplating quitting right then and there. One thing that I've noticed whenever my PTSD gets majorly triggered is that I should't be around the place where it has been triggered on a large scale before (last time I could be around a certain part of work for months comfortably).

I do have 2 theories about this. Either this was some sort of reversal resistance or scorched earth tactic that somehow got through or this was brought about by my strong desire to want to leave (especially that job) and this was the best way the luck component responded in order to insure I leave. As of right now I am highly contemplating just quitting today because they have me scheduled for working tomorrow at the same time in the same spot which isn't good for me. I did notice one thing different about this though, my anger seemed to be direct at this idea of "I shouldn't have to put up with this. My future isn't just being at some job where I have to deal with customers with bad manners and treat people like garbage." It seemed to have turned into more motivation to leave. Matter of fact, by the time I got home I had come up with an idea that would allow me not to just settle for completing 1 course a day but i could actually complete multiple classes a day if my mentor at the university allows it.

Given that I have earned some "good will" as it were from her from doing this well so far, there is a very good chance she might approve it. With me not having a job either that would give me more time to just focus on it all. The only problem I have now is that I'm low on money because not sure if you guys heard but the VA tried to implement a new IT system to help with how they provide service. Unfortunately they messed even that up and now lots of people are having delays in getting their benefits. Its so bad that they have had to hire an additional temporary 300K + plus to process all the back logged claims (some of which have entirely disappeared from the system). Mines has also been delayed and I have no idea when my monthly money is going to come in. Even with that though, I might just quit anyway and just bust my ass to get through these classes even quicker.

I would appreciate anyone's outlook on this. Was this whole event maybe a sabotage effort to mess things up or was this probably the luck part of the sub allowing a certain event to happen so that I leave quicker?