Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

ok, I just got back and didn't even sleep yet. Kind of annoyed yet relieved at the same time at the moment so can't really sleep. I said I would give a major, detailed report when I got back and I will. Beware, this will be quite long since I have been in the away from the forum and outside the country for a bit.

So I should start from the beginning. I haven't been on 3.2 for quite a while because at the time of my last post I was going from not caring to straight up nihilism. Despite all it mainly affecting the Aura I still noticed some other things even after I stopped actively listening to the sub (maybe I'm one of those people who only need to listen a few times a week instead or something). Around the time I still had the program running in my head I decided to get colored contacts (Green) to replace my glasses and I started going on a cycle again and working out (felt some motivation to finally get ripped like I always wanted). Included in this at this point I was considering going to get some of my dental work done to improve my appearance as well. I then remembered that getting dental care is much more affordable outside the US. At first I was Thinking about Tijuana, Mexico since I still currently live in California but after I did much more research I narrowed it down to 3 places: Thailand, Philippines, and India. I crossed off India even though it was the cheapest because eh I like the look of Indian women but I know my chances as a mixed guy (Mostly black and part Native American) wouldn't have given me a advantage over there. I really wanted to try Thailand but I vape and Thailand banned vaping (Big tobacco has big pull over there).

So I settled on the Philippines and also I heard the Philippines is great if your a single guy (looking for just fun, a girlfriend, or a wife). Interesting to note though is that I didn't really go for the trip until I'm pretty sure the program was done running in my head. Now the funny thing is the first ticket I bought I missed the flight because of self sabotage. This I know for a fact because I left really, really late for no reason and decided to take public transit which going to the airport is horrendous yet I thought of none of this when I left (Which to me is obvious self sabotage). I realized that that night and just bought another ticket for the next day in the afternoon. I left on May 23. I will say what I heard about dating prospects in the philippines was true and its pretty easy to get a girlfriend over there and what not if you wanted. I had other chances to move things a long with some women or could have gotten their numbers but I had other prospects.

I connected with a few women online from there then narrowed it down to 2, then down to 1. The girl I eventually met half way through my trip I'm pretty sure was a late manifestation (The program had long since stop running in my head I believe). She was loving, giving, affectionate and had a high sex drive that even annoyed me at times. Though if I wanted sex she put up no resistance whatsoever. I could literally start kissing her or undressing her in private and I would get no resistance at all. She was pretty submissive to anything I did and I found myself taking the lead on everything in general and she would just go along with it or try to be helpful. This was actually a very good real, first relationship for me. I felt like I could be myself (Authenticate) not have anxiety around her, speak my mind and generally be loving and kind in return and she wouldn't take any of that as being "weak" as I felt most women I tried to go after in the US would have interpret some of the stuff I did.

It also just felt so good to have someone who was honest, up front, and didn't feel like they were playing some "game" or constantly trying to shit test me. As I mentioned though after a while of feeling so very cared for and loved in my life along with giving the same in return something in my mind just started to freak out. It was getting freaked out that someone was "making" me feel this way like they had some type of control over me and that they were getting so close to me emotionally. Due to past neglect I just was not use to being so close to someone and it made me highly uncomfortable. Combined that with past hurts of where I left people get emotionally close to me and they abused the shit out of me I got down right terrified. I literally got to the point that I on "some" conscious" level tried to find a excuse to push her away which we did make up afterwards but things were kind of weird between us there for a day or 2.

To her credit though her caring and loving nature was outweighed whatever I tried to do so we patched things up. Soon she was still acting like her normal self and acting very caring. I do think she is a keeper though and already consider her my girlfriend. I will be visiting her again in a couple of months. Another reason I think she is a late manifestation is because she is "technically" Bi. She says she has had sex with one of her best friends just because she gets attracted to a "few" women. She also said she would be down for trying a threesome (2 girls/1 guy). So honestly, if 3.3 ends up being the one to cause me to execute I will be able to keep running dmsi no problem and it might just manifest women she is interested in as well that we might keep in a recurring relationship. Seems too good to not be a manifestation.

I do think the trip was a complete success. Got my dental work taken care of, got a Long term girlfriend who might be down for threesomes, and I found out where a lot of my issues with resistance stim from which from what I've noticed seems to have lessened some of the negatives in my life since I now know where they stim from.

Lastly, I finally , probably due to the revelations about the origins of a lot of my resistance, was able to basically stand up to my mother with no problem which has never happened before. She crossed a line while I was gone and I totally emailed her and chewed her out. This lead to some back and forth.. mostly me talking. Due to this I will most definitely be finally moving out in August. I think the revelations and the fear reductions of 3.2 after the fact actually helped me finally just say I'm done with my relatives. Before dmsi would just kind of make me forgive them but soon I wouldn't be able to after a while because they would do some shady and stupid shit that would negatively affect me. I think the program finally just made me realize just cut them off completely. It doesn't matter if you try to forgive them but they are still going to keep doing shitty things to you or treat you wrong. I think the only thing keeping me from doing this for so long is some shame I felt about having to make these relationships work because they are family.

I realize now that is not an excuse for them to treat me like shit or use me like they have been, then when I try to stand up to them they use their fear, guilt and shame tactics to keep me in line. Either way, come August I should be going solo for now on and be free from their negative influences which I think Shannon was right, their negative influence was just making the the behaviors regrow as it were after they were dealt with. On a separate note, I do have a question Shannon. Is this certain part of me over fearing this or is it true that if you do get emotionally/physically close to someone they have a measure of "control" over you? Or is that just all in my mind? I remember you told Catman about his bad past experiences that he couldn't control the women who did such horriable things.. but he could control how he reacted to it. Does that same thing applies here? In the end can a person only hurt you, emotionally mostly, if you let them? Is that still within your control when your close to someone? Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.


Anyway, overall I have to say things are looking up. I'm feeling better about myself despite not even being on 3.2 any longer (still contemplating going back on it despite the nihilism problem). Also I felt like this trip really opened my eyes that I don't want to stay in the US any longer and want to travel throughout SEA which I think plus DMSI final will add for great times. I will be working on finishing up my degree online and finally leaving the US for good by probably teaching English as a second language. Besides, that whole trip made me realize that I felt like dating,etc is so fucked up back home compared to other places. Anyway, that's all I have for now. I hope that was enlightening for most people who read this whole thing. You all take care!