Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[Shawn]

I went to a private Junior high and High School and all throughout my time there I was mocked, ridiculed and made fun of due to my voice (I have a quite monotone voice). I was full of a class of guys who just ripped and teared each other down just so they could get there "15 mins" of fame by making everyone laugh at the expense of someone else. I noticed after a while I just stopped expressing myself much because every time I did I became the butt of a joke and was laughed at. It got bad at times that I just ate lunch by myself at times and tried to keep a low a profile as possible. Unfortunately, this didn't end at school. My mother is a career oriented woman who cared most about just that, her career. Didn't come to any of my graduations or parent - teacher meetings. She just wouldn't take off anytime no matter the reason. I was basically ignored most of the time (unless it had to do with something essential). Problem is when I did get any attention it was the negative kind (Blaming me for stuff, telling me how I had ***** up, on one occasion telling me she "hated me", etc).

So after a while I withdrew even further. Basically, I went to school and drew as less attention to myself as possible and then came home and basically locked myself in my room. I mostly just sat in my room, played video games, day dreamed, and listened to music. So basically, I had to deal with tearing down other people "A-holes" at school and a career oriented Feminazi mom at home. I learned the best way to deal with all this was to draw as less attention to myself as possible. There lies in the problem. It doesn't want to co-operate because a fear that has been instilled in me for years. If it executes the program fully that means I draw attention to myself and my subconscious associates drawing a lot of attention myself with : Ridicule, being made fun of, being teared down, and the emotional pain associated with all those things.

Dude, this part make me really think. I wasn't at private school and my mum is not carrier oriented, but my parents were overprotective and my mum was overcontrolling. She wanted to know it all and exactly, like, "Where are going?, When are you back? Who is there? What are you doing? When/What/Why is X or Z....?". And that not only as a child but it continued even if I was an adult. That and wanting to not get attention from the bullies - because I was the thin, weak guy - made me also wanting to be "invisible". Now, with the sexy aura of DMSI and the celebrity effect it is like you get the attention from the whole world, lol. The exact opposite.