The saga continues: AM 6

[mat422]

What are you thinking about running next? Have you considered BASE?

I'm probably going to take a few weeks off after finish AM6 to let some stuff sink in.

Honestly hadn't considered BASE. But it's a bit out of my price range for now. So I'm either going to try out natural song and lyrics writing or go back to E2. Leaning more towards E2 at the moment, then hopefully E3 comes out during that time. I'll have to see how I feel after finishing AM.

[mat422]

Went to a bar last night with some friends. Got a couple of glances from some girls there. Nothing really out there or crazy from AM. A couple of girls from our friend group showed up. I don't really know them that well, but my friends do. Normally I'd be wondering why they weren't giving me attention like some of my friends, but I didn't really care and just enjoyed the night. In general I don't think I give off a friendly vibe. More of a complicated brooding one. I just have a ton of stuff going on up in my head and I think some girls just pick up on that. It's like I'm constantly giving off the vibe of come talk to me and don't come near me at the same time. Just gotta let AM do its thing and maybe it'll go away.

[mat422]

Feels like I took a serious nosedive in terms of mood these past few weeks. I can't tell if I'm healing past stuff that's coming up or if it's more resistance to change and I'm falling back into my depressive moods. Either way I notice myself avoiding what needs to be done in my life and it's not good. Mundane every day tasks have become difficult, so I don't do those and when I don't do them I feel worse about not doing them. It's a viscous cycle. Seems like every day has turned into I'll do it when I feel better tomorrow. But tomorrow never seems to come so I just procrastinate on everything.

The solution seems to be just do the things I need to do. But it's easier said than done. It feels like I'm battling with my brain every step of the way and it's exhausting. Just went grocery shopping today and even that was a pain in the ass. And the anxiety about doing things is out of control. I have to make a phone call to the IRS to confirm my account info to get my tax refund and I've been putting that off. Which is stupid, I don't get it. I've always had phone anxiety, it's the dumbest thing in the world. It's stupid little stuff like this that bothers me the most. It feels like someone threw my brain into a blender and just emptied the contents on a countertop, I am not on top of ANYTHING.

Thinking things over before I started running AM6 I hadn't run AM in about two years. So more than likely I'm going to need another run. So I'm probably going to run E2 again when I'm done with AM6. Then once my life gets on track a bit more I'll run AM6 again. As of right now I don't think another run right after this one would help move me forward in life. I can hold off on being alpha for a bit, right now my primary concern is just being able to survive on my own and make the most of life.

That being said. Stage 4 ends today and stage 5 begins.

[CatMan]

Hi Matt.

To be honest, I didn't think going all the way back to AM6 was right for you. I was saddened to see that. You were making real progress with E2. I'm glad you will go back to it when done.

That said, I understand what you mean about the procrastination. I had that terribly, all during V3.0.1, and the exhaustion was so extreme it derailed my life. What I find is helpful in those times, is to pick just ONE thing off your to do list per day to do. ONE. Over several days, even small things done one by one per day, can add up and help you get out of the funk. Only focus on one, otherwise the procrastination rears it's head. Once you've done a few, and you would literally have to force yourself NOT to do two that day, do two. The point is, to keep the activity very small and manageable and "bite size", to minimise the chance procrastination can step in and c*ckblock you. Allowing you to continue some form of forward momentum always.

Over time, this will help you climb out. It's always worked for me.

[mat422]

Hi Matt.

To be honest, I didn't think going all the way back to AM6 was right for you. I was saddened to see that. You were making real progress with E2. I'm glad you will go back to it when done.

That said, I understand what you mean about the procrastination. I had that terribly, all during V3.0.1, and the exhaustion was so extreme it derailed my life. What I find is helpful in those times, is to pick just ONE thing off your to do list per day to do. ONE. Over several days, even small things done one by one per day, can add up and help you get out of the funk. Only focus on one, otherwise the procrastination rears it's head. Once you've done a few, and you would literally have to force yourself NOT to do two that day, do two. The point is, to keep the activity very small and manageable and "bite size", to minimise the chance procrastination can step in and c*ckblock you. Allowing you to continue some form of forward momentum always.

Over time, this will help you climb out. It's always worked for me.

I honestly didn't think AM6 would be that much of a step back, but something about E2 just made me a lot more consistent with my progress. I think a lot of it is related to my overly critical nature. With Am6 it kind of feels like there is potential to fail and not change from the program. With E2 there wasn't any pressure, it was just emotional healing. Maybe it's because when I started AM6 I was convinced this was it and I was going to pull myself out of the hell I've been through and finally change my life. Too much pressure on myself and expectations.

Anyway thanks for replying. I'm definitely going to use your strategy for the procrastination I've been dealing with. I know I can do at least one thing a day.

[ffaux]

AM6 is a challenging program man. It's going to flush out some ugly shit out of your subconscious as the parts of your person that conflict with the incoming programming come to the surface. You need to choose a long term path and stick with it. Find a programme and then keep going, whatever it takes, to grow into the person that the statements suggest you become. Nobody said it was easy and some people like myself have a harder time with the change because of personality type and psychological makeup (such as starting beliefs, how those beliefs are interconnected, how tightly those beliefs are intertwined with your self-identity) but if the end results aren't worth while why did you start the journey?

As you get to the end, the psychological pressure to change will fade and these undesired parts of your person will fade to the background again (until you run AM6 again) and all that will be left are the positive changes that have been made. It's very difficult when you're in the eye of the storm (even for me) but you will feel very different at the end.

People write too much about their positive results and are not open enough about the hell they go through to get there. Read some of chaosvirgin's early DMSI and see how much deep seated trauma he processed to get to where he's at now. That shit is real and we all have to go through it.

[CatMan]

Amen ffaux.

That's why I've tried to be as open and honest as I can...through the good AND the bad. The bad gets flak at times, which sucks. It needs to be told, to help others see they aren't alone or to help Shannon improve the programs. Nobody likes to hear it, but it's all part of the experience for me, so I talk about it.

[mat422]

As I make it further into AM6 my priorities are changing a lot. At first I wanted to toughen up and be super independent. But now I want to break myself down to my core and be open instead. I realize my defense mechanisms for getting through life have closed me off to those I love as well and I don't want that anymore. I'm still far from alpha because I don't even have the courage to be myself and be open with people. My insecurities are still very strong and I feel like I've been projecting this image of being alpha into my life without actually being alpha to make people think favorably of me. I want to stop giving a shit about being perceived as cool or confident or whatever. I've been lying to myself these past few months saying none of that mattered, but the truth is my actions spoke louder. Sometimes when you want something really bad you'll try to convince yourself you have it when you really don't. That's what I've been going through. And I guess more and more I'm seeing how E2 is necessary for me at this point. I need to stop trying to become something else to hide who I am.

[mat422]

I don't think I was ready for AM6. I've been thinking about all the struggles I've been facing and how to solve all the problems out there. But my biggest problem is really within myself. My own self worth and love for myself is abysmal. All my thoughts about people not liking me or fearing rejection are just projections of my own lack of self worth. This isn't resistance, this has been an ongoing issue in my life. It's one of the reasons I gravitated towards self improvement. I thought if I became confident enough other people would like me more and I would like myself.

I honestly don't get how people can love themselves and I don't think standing in front of a mirror and telling yourself you do is going to change much. I've made progress because I used to hate myself. Now it's more of a feeling of not being good enough rather than intense hatred. But it's like this one nagging feeling in the back of my head. It makes me closed off to relationships and accepting love from people. It's this feeling of being with people but holding back around them. Only able to express myself in anonymity or in certain moments with the right people. I doubt a lot of my capabilities as well, mostly because any career involves interaction with people and putting on a performance is draining as hell. Like I said though, it stems from my own lack of self worth and trying to portray myself in the most positive way. Ultimately it makes me feel horribly disconnected and alone despite being around people who love me.

As a jumping off point for beginning AM6 I feel like maybe I wasn't as emotionally healthy as most guys. I don't know what is a good starting point for running AM6 or the extent it can help people that are starting from similar circumstances as myself. But I think after Am6 I'm definitely going back to E2. I need a more direct focused approach to clear out some of these issues then attempt AM6 again.

[ffaux]

You're describing something that AM6 is designed to work on. You're having this experience because AM6 is working on it.

[mat422]

You're describing something that AM6 is designed to work on. You're having this experience because AM6 is working on it.

Thanks for the reminder. I forget a lot and get wrapped up in it. It's just odd to me that it's so pronounced on stage 5. I feel like this should have been coming up in 1-3.

[ffaux]

You're describing something that AM6 is designed to work on. You're having this experience because AM6 is working on it.

Thanks for the reminder. I forget a lot and get wrapped up in it. It's just odd to me that it's so pronounced on stage 5. I feel like this should have been coming up in 1-3.

The later stages build on the earlier stages and can bring up old content:
1. You might not have finished dealing with the topic in the earlier stages, or
2. New content is bringing up new emotions around the same topic.

[mat422]

You're describing something that AM6 is designed to work on. You're having this experience because AM6 is working on it.

Thanks for the reminder. I forget a lot and get wrapped up in it. It's just odd to me that it's so pronounced on stage 5. I feel like this should have been coming up in 1-3.

The later stages build on the earlier stages and can bring up old content:
1. You might not have finished dealing with the topic in the earlier stages, or
2. New content is bringing up new emotions around the same topic.

I see that makes sense.

[mat422]

I think where I get hung up on this sub a lot is I have a breakthrough and then I try to recreate it or hold onto it. I fail to realize that a lot of it is going on under the hood so to speak. So those realizations that pop up aren't a result of meditating, changing my thinking, or forcing myself to act a certain way, they would have been there regardless. So it's really dumb of me to waste so much energy attempting to make things move along faster or spend too much time inside myself ruminating on things. I guess in a way the ruminating was resistance, can't let go of something if you're constantly obsessing about it.

So for the insight I gained from this particular breakthrough. People are a lot like walking pieces of art. Some people like you and some people don't. But my only concern should be self expression of who I am and to stop trying to make everyone like me. I've wasted so much mental energy in my life trying to make a favorable impression on people, wondering what to say, how to say it, when to say it, etc. That after a certain point it became less about just being myself and more about just wanting a positive outcome. Basically to just avoid whatever possible negative outcome would result from me being myself. Interestingly enough this is the exact same problem I had with my music and why I never finished anything. Trying to be perfect and impress everyone was killing my own self expression.