The saga continues: AM 6

[ffaux]

Thank you for sharing this. I realised when reading it that this journey is worth it.

[mat422]

Thank you for sharing this. I realised when reading it that this journey is worth it.

You're welcome. Glad you got something out of it.

---

So I've been reading through the John Alexander Alpha Male book some more and I'm coming across a lot of resistance to the ideas. Whenever he talked about things like making sure you're the prize or the most important thing to a woman there was a lot of guilt and shame that popped up. But I didn't see it as guilt and shame at first. I actually projected it outward and felt like the author was being insecure and needed to detach more from his obsession with being the prize. But that's not it at all. It's just me not accepting the idea that I can be the prize or desirable by women.

I notice when I see people who think highly of themselves I tend to get hostile. I also notice my aversion to confrontations is not because of some peaceful mindset, it's because I don't value myself enough. When I say confrontations, I don't mean really harsh ones that escalate to violence or whatever. I'm just talking regular every day stuff, like when someone disrespects you somehow or takes advantage of you. I was thinking I was all zen and crap, above anger, but it couldn't be further from the truth.

All these alpha attributes the sub has been trying to instill in me I was painting in a negative light. But none of them are. It's just my deep insecurity with myself that is preventing me from embracing a more powerful me.

[mat422]

Just been riding it out lately, not focusing on internal stuff. That's where I screw up with this subliminal. Get too wrapped up on what's going on and interfering with the program. I need to trust in my subconscious more. Interestingly enough it's just fear causing me to worry about the subliminal not working and the more I focus on that the less the fear actually clears out. Lesson learned was that I don't need to understand why I have guilt, shame, or fear I just have to focus on letting it go. Once I let it go I can analyze it and learn from it, but analyzing isn't what gives me relief, it's important to remember that.

Something else that's been on my mind. You ever start driving somewhere and you're following directions and at one point miss a turn? Then you get that feeling like you're going the wrong direction? That's how I feel internally right now. I'm so damn lost and I feel like I'm going down the wrong path but at the same time I can't figure out where to go. My head is telling me keep going and to learn more of the web development skills to make money, but my gut is telling me you don't want to do this and money is your only motivation for doing so.

[mat422]

Another thing popped into my head that I'm going to write down here. The need to be the best at whatever I do is something that has plagued me for a long time. I need to kill this mindset. I'm constantly comparing myself to other people that know more than me, are more passionate, talented, successful, etc. All of it just causes anxiety which actually prevents me from improving because I procrastinate all the damn time.

In my entire life not once has my excessive perfectionism lead to a positive outcome. But I deluded myself for years telling myself that even though I wasn't finishing as much as I should at least all the attention to detail was admirable. But it wasn't. I couldn't finish essays on time in high school, couldn't move beyond a heelflip in skateboarding, couldn't bring myself to finish animations, couldn't draw, couldn't finish my music, couldn't learn guitar because I wouldn't move beyond learning one song, and now can't learn coding/web design. Until I get this mindset sorted out I'm destined to fail in everything I set out to do because it destroys any progress. This stupid obsessive need to get everything perfect that causes all this anxiety. It's driven me to days where I do nothing and yet I'm still not relaxed because it all looms over my head. It's like why the hell can't I be content with being mediocre? At least for the time being while I improve my skills or get better. Instead I feel this bottomless pit of shame that makes me feel like an awful person when I'm not good at something.

[mat422]

I'm starting to recognize that a lot of my growth is going to involve emotional healing. And the biggest thing holding me back is trying to intellectualize the emotional process. I've been trying to handle my emotions in a "correct" way, whatever the hell that means. I just have a really odd relationship with my emotional self. It's like it's there, but I'm disconnected from it. But not in a detached observer sort of mindfulness good way. More like not acknowledging the pain that sits below the surface. And I keep trying to move forward and let it go, but I'm not letting it go so much as just shoving it down.

Basically there's this need and want to grow. But at times I feel as if I'm lagging behind emotionally and I'm not giving myself the understanding and compassion I need to heal and grow.

[Chris P. Bacon]

I'm starting to recognize that a lot of my growth is going to involve emotional healing. And the biggest thing holding me back is trying to intellectualize the emotional process. I've been trying to handle my emotions in a "correct" way, whatever the hell that means. I just have a really odd relationship with my emotional self. It's like it's there, but I'm disconnected from it. But not in a detached observer sort of mindfulness good way. More like not acknowledging the pain that sits below the surface. And I keep trying to move forward and let it go, but I'm not letting it go so much as just shoving it down.

Basically there's this need and want to grow. But at times I feel as if I'm lagging behind emotionally and I'm not giving myself the understanding and compassion I need to heal and grow.

Good stuff!! That is an important realization.

[mat422]

I guess that realization spurred on another insight. Emotional healing can be done in a near painless manner if you let it. My problem is and always has been thinking you need to fully immerse yourself in the pain to heal. I wasn't doing anything but re-traumatizing myself with past depression and anxiety instead of just letting it go. And I think in some ways I still identify very strongly with those emotions and think I'm being inauthentic if I don't feel them anymore. Yeah it's weird. In a lot of ways I'm an emotional hoarder. I think this has been what's been holding me back the most. It's not necessarily a fear of what's in my future that I'm moving towards, rather an irrational fear of letting parts of myself go. And I think it's tied to my memories. A lot of the negative emotions I experience, though cause me great distress and pain, are linked to happier memories with friends and family. In some highly irrational fashion, I feel like letting go of those negative parts of myself is like erasing my past and like it never happened.

[mat422]

I've done so much clearing with E2 I would expect things to go relatively smoothly but who knows. One thing I've come to realize for myself is a lot of the stuff I thought was trauma or emotional pain was actually my resistance to letting it go on E2. It's tricky because you want to acknowledge the things that need healing, but at the same time you don't want to get stuck playing the never ending emotional healing game. I've been so deep in my head at times I started inventing problems just so I didn't have to change. The mind is a crazy thing at times.

And around and around we go. That quote is from my first page of my journal by me. I had the same damn realization today and I had a hunch I'd written about it before. What's that mean? I think it means my word vomits over the past few months on AM have been precisely this in action. At this point I'm saying screw it, I'm delegating all responsibility to my subconscious mind to sort everything out and I'm being as hands off as possible. It's what I should have done from the start. I need to start trusting in my subconscious mind more and to stop being such a damn control freak trying to dissect every little thing it's doing.

All this nonsense I've been dealing with could have been easily avoided if I just stopped resisting so much and just trusted in the process. Above all emotional pain doesn't equal more growth, gotta beat that one into my head too. The problem is 90% of people don't have access to the mind like we do through the subliminals, so following along with old methodologies for growth and change isn't a good idea. I keep making these dogmas for myself that hurt me in the long run because it closes the possibilities for faster and quicker results through pain-free methods.

[mat422]

I'm making some progress. I'm in control. I feel the power of how to direct my mind. Not with willpower. More like a knowing. A silent internal power that tells me everything that occurs to me is my doing. If I'm subjected to an onslaught of negative thoughts I can stop that. Previously I held the view that we can't control our negative thoughts and we have to simply allow them without fighting them. But this is my mind and I feel like I can choose to simply stop generating any kind of negative thought and replace it with the positive now. This is just the start, but one of the things I need to improve on is accepting that I have immense power within me to make changes in my life. To let go of my limitations and realize they're only true if I believe them to be. I'm not weak and powerless.

[kalmah0804]

Hmmm... It seems that you're still experiencing a crap ton of resistance/difficulty on AM6. Would you say that you feel that your prolonged run on E2 helped even a little bit (as far as experiencing AM6 goes), or would you say that you feel the difficulties of AM6 are still present regardless of the several months of E2 that came before it?

[mat422]

Hmmm... It seems that you're still experiencing a crap ton of resistance/difficulty on AM6. Would you say that you feel that your prolonged run on E2 helped even a little bit (as far as experiencing AM6 goes), or would you say that you feel the difficulties of AM6 are still present regardless of the several months of E2 that came before it?

It's hard to say. I think despite running E2 for that long, the demands of AM6 have been just too far out of my comfort zone and I've been responding in fear. E2 had a way of guiding me to improvement in my life without triggering fear in me and I resisted a lot less. So all in all I'd say, running E2 didn't really smooth out Am6 that much for me. However, E2 did make a lot of profound changes in me and helped me turn my life around a lot.

A lot of my difficulties is down to my personality. I've always, even as a small child, been hesitant to make changes. It's been one of my lifelong lessons that I have to overcome. And over the years people pushed me, which did the opposite and caused me to retreat further. At times this is what occurs with AM6. It's not that I have problems with being told what to do, it's the fact that if I'm given more than I think I can handle I retreat very fast instead of fighting it head on like other guys.

[kalmah0804]

Hmmm... It seems that you're still experiencing a crap ton of resistance/difficulty on AM6. Would you say that you feel that your prolonged run on E2 helped even a little bit (as far as experiencing AM6 goes), or would you say that you feel the difficulties of AM6 are still present regardless of the several months of E2 that came before it?

It's hard to say. I think despite running E2 for that long, the demands of AM6 have been just too far out of my comfort zone and I've been responding in fear. E2 had a way of guiding me to improvement in my life without triggering fear in me and I resisted a lot less. So all in all I'd say, running E2 didn't really smooth out Am6 that much for me. However, E2 did make a lot of profound changes in me and helped me turn my life around a lot.

A lot of my difficulties is down to my personality. I've always, even as a small child, been hesitant to make changes. It's been one of my lifelong lessons that I have to overcome. And over the years people pushed me, which did the opposite and caused me to retreat further. At times this is what occurs with AM6. It's not that I have problems with being told what to do, it's the fact that if I'm given more than I think I can handle I retreat very fast instead of fighting it head on like other guys.

I'm actually the exact same way. Thanks for the helpful feedback.

[mat422]

Hmmm... It seems that you're still experiencing a crap ton of resistance/difficulty on AM6. Would you say that you feel that your prolonged run on E2 helped even a little bit (as far as experiencing AM6 goes), or would you say that you feel the difficulties of AM6 are still present regardless of the several months of E2 that came before it?

It's hard to say. I think despite running E2 for that long, the demands of AM6 have been just too far out of my comfort zone and I've been responding in fear. E2 had a way of guiding me to improvement in my life without triggering fear in me and I resisted a lot less. So all in all I'd say, running E2 didn't really smooth out Am6 that much for me. However, E2 did make a lot of profound changes in me and helped me turn my life around a lot.

A lot of my difficulties is down to my personality. I've always, even as a small child, been hesitant to make changes. It's been one of my lifelong lessons that I have to overcome. And over the years people pushed me, which did the opposite and caused me to retreat further. At times this is what occurs with AM6. It's not that I have problems with being told what to do, it's the fact that if I'm given more than I think I can handle I retreat very fast instead of fighting it head on like other guys.

I'm actually the exact same way. Thanks for the helpful feedback.

No prob. Anytime I can lend my insight to people I'm happy to do so.

[mat422]

A lot of stuff has been on my mind lately. I could ramble on about it, but I think this music video pretty much sums it up. Every once in a while I find something that hits me to my core and reminds me what life is supposed to be about.



I need to stop settling out of fear. I know in my heart what I want, I just keep making excuses because I'm too afraid to go after it. And I keep listening to my thoughts that tell me it isn't a smart idea or that it's not possible, or that I'm not good enough and I'm safer going a different route. I keep telling myself maybe if I just get a good job with good pay and leave music for the weekends I'll be ok. I've been depressed as all hell these past few months because the life I've been building for myself isn't the one I want. But finding a job so I can support myself is still a good idea, I just have to never let go of what my true motivations in life are and keep following them.