06-27-2017, 06:12 AM
I was thinking about the fear of not being good enough. And it made me realize I've been stuck because I've been caught in an illogical loop of "I'll get my life together when I feel I'm good enough". The problem is fear of never being good enough is a fear and as such it causes undesirable things. Such as endless need for emotional clearing. After a certain point you have to say enough is enough, even if I'm not perfect I have to go out there and live my life.
I'm just tired of living like this. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be good at everything I do. I avoid jobs with high responsibilities and challenges because I'm too harsh on myself when I screw up or don't meet someone's expectations. The real slap in the face is when I was losing sleep over this retail job. And I think about it and I'm just like why do I do this to myself? This need for validation that I'm good enough leaves a lot of room for manipulation and it causes me a lot of misery. But ultimately it's my doing because I give people those opportunities to take advantage of me and don't set up boundaries. It's the painful realization that I seem to still desperately crave the approval of other people. But it's not for attention, it's for fear of not being good enough.
I'm just done. I want to be done with it all. The final straw was when I was working on some music the other day and agonizing over all this technical shit and I stopped and realized I wasn't enjoying it. It became more of an ego validation thing with how I could make the most unique sounds, have the best sound engineering, punchiest drums, blah, blah, blah. Everything except the music, which is what I've always cared about and what got me into it.
This whole IDGAF mask was all bullshit. Just another layer of me that was overcompensating for the deeper insecurities I still face. The least alpha thing you can do is act alpha and that's what I've been doing. Acting alpha and trying to convince myself that I wasn't insecure anymore in order to feel like I was good enough. I'm at a point in my life where I'd rather face my deepest more shameful insecurities than walk around pretending they aren't there and over inflating my ego to compensate.
I'm just tired of living like this. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be good at everything I do. I avoid jobs with high responsibilities and challenges because I'm too harsh on myself when I screw up or don't meet someone's expectations. The real slap in the face is when I was losing sleep over this retail job. And I think about it and I'm just like why do I do this to myself? This need for validation that I'm good enough leaves a lot of room for manipulation and it causes me a lot of misery. But ultimately it's my doing because I give people those opportunities to take advantage of me and don't set up boundaries. It's the painful realization that I seem to still desperately crave the approval of other people. But it's not for attention, it's for fear of not being good enough.
I'm just done. I want to be done with it all. The final straw was when I was working on some music the other day and agonizing over all this technical shit and I stopped and realized I wasn't enjoying it. It became more of an ego validation thing with how I could make the most unique sounds, have the best sound engineering, punchiest drums, blah, blah, blah. Everything except the music, which is what I've always cared about and what got me into it.
This whole IDGAF mask was all bullshit. Just another layer of me that was overcompensating for the deeper insecurities I still face. The least alpha thing you can do is act alpha and that's what I've been doing. Acting alpha and trying to convince myself that I wasn't insecure anymore in order to feel like I was good enough. I'm at a point in my life where I'd rather face my deepest more shameful insecurities than walk around pretending they aren't there and over inflating my ego to compensate.
