06-09-2017, 11:38 AM
Things have been turbulent lately, but I understand why now. I keep thinking I need more healing, but I don't. What I need is to accept that I no longer need to think negatively of myself and my life. The negative is comfortable, it's what I know. When I try to be positive it feels wrong or like I'm lying to myself, but that's just me clinging onto the old ways of thinking. And the simple answer is that yes I'm afraid of change. But instead of telling myself that, getting over it and doing things anyway, I've created these elaborate stories and reasons why it's something deeper that I haven't gotten to yet or that I'm still emotionally damaged in some way and I need more time to heal. It's this false illusion that I'm working towards something, but really it's just me avoiding the fear. Maybe I'm not 100 percent cleared of past negative emotions, but I'm pretty sure I've been magnifying whatever they are in an attempt to avoid real growth and change. Clever? Yes. Productive? Absolutely not.
