The saga continues: AM 6

[mat422]

Well things got rough for me. Work scheduling really fucked me over this week and I'm feeling taken advantage of in general at my job. I was heading down a really bad negative spiral so I figured I'd post about it to catch myself before it got worse. It seems like I've gotten a lot better at preventing myself from descending into rumination, but I'm still really easily knocked off whatever happy feeling I had. It's like I'm making progress in life and improving, but it never feels good or big enough. So I hold onto this small sliver of happiness and think that maybe things aren't so bad and then a whole bunch of shit happens and knocks me off whatever cloud I was floating on. I know that it's my responsibility to regulate my emotions and not be stirred up by negative events, but I'll be honest it just doesn't work for me sometimes and there's only so much I can do. This job is really taxing on me and it's probably because I'm an introvert in an extrovert oriented position and I'm not respecting the demands it puts on me.

I know I should get a different job and move on from this toxic place. But somehow I always find myself procrastinating and being too afraid to move on. It's killing me how I'm pretty much forcing myself to stay in this terrible situation instead of actively seeking a way out. Maybe it's because I feel like I don't have the skills for anything else. Everything is just so overwhelming and I feel trapped with nowhere to go. I want to believe life is more than all this bullshit, but I've yet to have an experience that shows me anything more than just grinding it out and trying to make the best of things in your free time. I hate that attitude towards life so much. I don't know if I'm being naive or if AM6 is pushing me to not accept any subpar living bullshit, but the fact remains it doesn't sit right with me. The problem is, what the hell am I gonna do that's going to be different that will take me away from lifestyle?