05-24-2017, 10:14 AM
Went grocery shopping today and just could not deal with the amount of people. I have to wonder what the hell is going on inside my head because large groups of people make me incredibly uncomfortable. Just feels like I'm suffocating. That and I almost had an emotional breakdown when I got back to my car. Made me realize I've been trying to hold off the painful stuff coming to the surface in favor of holding onto the more positive upbeat state.
I think that's the tricky part sometimes. Having these feelings of worthlessness pop up, but at the same time also knowing I'm not. It's like I have to allow the negative to come up and be released, but at the same time keep myself focused on improving myself. I often find that I hold back a lot or suppress stuff until one day it breaks down and I'm forced to face it. I need to develop a more even flow of emotions where I embrace the good and bad. More importantly I have to really drill into my head that just because I'm feeling a certain way it doesn't mean it defines me. I can feel worthless, but that doesn't mean I am worthless.
I don't have a clear path laid out before me. All I know is I'm doing things differently than what everyone told me I should do growing up. It feels like I'm guided by intuition mostly, something I used to be afraid of because I was worried it would be wrong. But after years of disregarding this intuition I've come to understand it's pretty much the direct route to happiness in my life. The key is strengthening it and not to be swayed by fear into disregarding it or by other people who claim to know more about my own life.
I think that's the tricky part sometimes. Having these feelings of worthlessness pop up, but at the same time also knowing I'm not. It's like I have to allow the negative to come up and be released, but at the same time keep myself focused on improving myself. I often find that I hold back a lot or suppress stuff until one day it breaks down and I'm forced to face it. I need to develop a more even flow of emotions where I embrace the good and bad. More importantly I have to really drill into my head that just because I'm feeling a certain way it doesn't mean it defines me. I can feel worthless, but that doesn't mean I am worthless.
I don't have a clear path laid out before me. All I know is I'm doing things differently than what everyone told me I should do growing up. It feels like I'm guided by intuition mostly, something I used to be afraid of because I was worried it would be wrong. But after years of disregarding this intuition I've come to understand it's pretty much the direct route to happiness in my life. The key is strengthening it and not to be swayed by fear into disregarding it or by other people who claim to know more about my own life.
