03-03-2017, 08:04 AM
Man, it seems I've fallen into one of my pits of despair again without realizing it. I think my biggest problem is since I'm such an all or nothing guy I tend to view things as either on top of the world or crushingly pathetic. So when I'm down on myself I try to convince myself I am alpha or confident or whatever and obviously it fails because I don't believe it. But I realized that shouldn't mean I throw out all the positive. It's like I'm constantly oscillating between a state of intense misery or happiness. The middle area is rarely touched because it seems like in my head I have a hard time accepting the fact that both can exist simultaneously. It's like I perceive any flaw I have as a sign of failure instead of accepting it for what it is and focusing on my positive qualities.
I realize my error now in the past when I'd be firm about making a change in my life and to stop being negative and then it fails. It's because I did too much too soon. Expecting myself to do a complete 180 just because of a shift in my mindset and when it didn't happen I spiraled out. Now looking at myself there's a lot I've been telling myself that's been hurting me and is unnecessary. It's not that positive thinking doesn't work, it's just I haven't been doing positive thinking for myself. I've been doing it to get somewhere, to be someone worthy. But that's all the wrong reasons. I should think positively because I love myself, not to fulfill my perfectionism.
This whole quest for being alpha, the original intention was fueled by insecurity. But I've come to understand even if I finish this sub and don't become alpha, the most important thing I can do is realize that being alpha doesn't determine my own self worth. I've been carrying around this heavy burden on my shoulders to be someone unique, powerful, successful. It's been a burden that's crushed my spirit in more ways than I can count. I don't feel like I'm living. Every day is like waking up to this constant anxiety of being unable to just be myself. For some reason all my life when I've tried to like myself or give myself my own approval I felt like I didn't deserve it. Like even if for some reason I became happy and content with who I was I was just being delusional and the harsh things people might say were taken as more of the truth. It feels like the walls are coming down and my core self is shining through more. And I want to keep facilitating that growth and just be myself without having anything to prove to anyone.
I realize my error now in the past when I'd be firm about making a change in my life and to stop being negative and then it fails. It's because I did too much too soon. Expecting myself to do a complete 180 just because of a shift in my mindset and when it didn't happen I spiraled out. Now looking at myself there's a lot I've been telling myself that's been hurting me and is unnecessary. It's not that positive thinking doesn't work, it's just I haven't been doing positive thinking for myself. I've been doing it to get somewhere, to be someone worthy. But that's all the wrong reasons. I should think positively because I love myself, not to fulfill my perfectionism.
This whole quest for being alpha, the original intention was fueled by insecurity. But I've come to understand even if I finish this sub and don't become alpha, the most important thing I can do is realize that being alpha doesn't determine my own self worth. I've been carrying around this heavy burden on my shoulders to be someone unique, powerful, successful. It's been a burden that's crushed my spirit in more ways than I can count. I don't feel like I'm living. Every day is like waking up to this constant anxiety of being unable to just be myself. For some reason all my life when I've tried to like myself or give myself my own approval I felt like I didn't deserve it. Like even if for some reason I became happy and content with who I was I was just being delusional and the harsh things people might say were taken as more of the truth. It feels like the walls are coming down and my core self is shining through more. And I want to keep facilitating that growth and just be myself without having anything to prove to anyone.
