The saga continues: AM 6

[mat422]

Never mind about the last post, I'm just gonna keep going. It was just resistance. But I wanted to talk about something else.

I feel like a terrible person. I'm cold, cynical, and most of my thoughts are overwhelmingly negative. I just don't want to be this person anymore. I want to have thoughts that naturally want to lift people up around me, not cut them down to make me feel better. And I don't want to be among positive people and feel like it's all bullshit and fake. There's this darker side to me where I repress all these nasty horribly things I might think about others because I want to be a good person. But I feel like I've been deluding myself and trying to convince myself I'm a good person. And maybe I am a good person and I'm just struggling with dealing with the cognitive dissonance of my more undesirable thoughts. But the fact remains that I don't think truly positive people try to be positive, they just are. I need to be more open and connected, but I want it to come from a place of authenticity. Not for the sake of being perceived as a good person.