01-12-2017, 07:18 AM
(01-10-2017, 12:01 PM)ffaux Wrote:(01-10-2017, 08:26 AM)mat422 Wrote: It feels like lately I've been moving forward in life outwardly, but internally I'm not in alignment with it. I'd go so far as to say these past few years I've just been doing things that I've been told are important instead of listening to what I actually want. I've always compared myself to others too much and I've always been too harsh on myself. It never really occurred to me that there's a difference between pushing your comfort zone vs accepting who you are. Instead of expanding my comfort zone and growing as a person I've just been criticizing who I am and trying to change it. There's definitely been growth, but there's also been a lot of avoidance around accepting who I am.
I can relate to this a lot. This reflects my experience in my last run of AM6. It feels so liberating!
Good to hear I'm on the right track. AM6 feels like one big wandering aimless journey at times.
For a long time I've been chasing after getting good at stuff. I realized for me personally, I don't care about any of that stuff. My music started feeling like a job and I lost inspiration for it because I was so bent out of shape about getting it good enough. Now I just make it for the sake of expression, even if it turns out like crap I know if I keep going it has to get better. But getting better isn't the main focus.
Life's just too damn short to be caught up in my head thinking about the future all the time and imagining the one day when I'm where I want to be. I'm 25 now and I think back to just a few years ago I was hanging out with my friends almost every day just bullshitting and having fun. Now everyone is going their separate ways almost and we're in that adult stage of life where you have to start scheduling meeting up with people and I hate it.
It's funny because when I first started running AM6 if felt like I needed to focus on more goals and plan better. That I needed to become this super successful person in all areas of my life. But now I'm starting to see that life is better spent enjoying the moments you have than planning for some future idealized scenario that may never come about. I've been thinking of achievements in terms of money, jobs, dating success, etc. you know all the common stuff people usually chase after. But I realized why I have such a hard time motivating myself for these things and it's because I just don't care about them. And I'm not gonna sit here and badmouth people that want these things because I recognize everyone is here to achieve different things. But I'm not gonna let people disrespect my own wishes and try to persuade me into conforming to what they deem is the right way to live life. That's what bugs me the most, I'm very tolerant of how other people live their lives, but I get shit for how I want to live mine a lot of the time. I could speculate on a thousand reasons why that's the case, but what it boils down to is I'm not content living in that matrix I see around me with all the pressures to do this and that and buy this. I want no part of any of that.
I thought I was always immature and that I needed to grow up but now I realize it has nothing to do with that. I'm just different and I want different things and it was just pressure to change who I was under the guise of growing up or waking up to the real world. The irony of people who tell you that you need to wake up to the real world is nobody sees the real world, it's all perception through our filters, the fact that they think it's the real world is laughable because people live such drastically different lives there's no baseline to compare it to. So I just assume most people who say this equate the real world to living a life of going with the common view or opinion and not questioning it.
Things are really rough now though. I don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to do it. All I know is I'm reconnecting with the core of myself and learning to stop burying it and assuming I'm wrong or I need to change more. At times I feel like I'm the equivalent of a homeless person up on a soapbox shouting about all this stuff about freedom and breaking the chains of slavery to modern society, but you look at my position and realize I'm not in any better place than anyone else. I see it all so clearly and that's what pains me, because I haven't figured out a way to actualize it yet. Call it what you will, society, peer pressure, pendulums, psychic energy, etc. whatever it is it still has it's hooks in me, but every day I run AM6 I feel closer and closer to breaking the grip of it and following my own path.
