01-10-2017, 08:26 AM
Got hit with a cold out of nowhere. Part of me thinks this is the universe giving me a sign to take it easy on myself. It seems like the only time I only go easy on myself is when I'm sick. Sometimes when I'm dealing with intensely painful migraines I notice a lot of repressed emotional stuff comes up. Maybe it's that I'm in such a weakened state I don't have that wall up that I usually do. Anyway some stuff has come into my awareness.
It feels like lately I've been moving forward in life outwardly, but internally I'm not in alignment with it. I'd go so far as to say these past few years I've just been doing things that I've been told are important instead of listening to what I actually want. I've always compared myself to others too much and I've always been too harsh on myself. It never really occurred to me that there's a difference between pushing your comfort zone vs accepting who you are. Instead of expanding my comfort zone and growing as a person I've just been criticizing who I am and trying to change it. There's definitely been growth, but there's also been a lot of avoidance around accepting who I am.
I've realized a lot of my personal strengths aren't things that are highly valued in western society at least. So when I measure myself up to a standard that doesn't even take me into consideration, it's a recipe for feeling like I'm wrong or that I need to change. I definitely have my faults, but the core of who I am, there's nothing wrong with it. The fact that I don't thrive in messed up environments isn't a weakness, it just shows I have a low tolerance for negativity and want to be above it.
I've sort of been in a cut off emotions and get things done mode lately. Thinking that once I got my life organized I would be happy. But I've realized it's brought me nothing but misery as I've lost my internal compass and fallen prey to all the manipulation out there that tries to coerce me into being anything but myself. I'm still learning what it means to be an alpha male for me, but so far I realize it's not about changing who I am at my core or trying to be someone else.
It feels like lately I've been moving forward in life outwardly, but internally I'm not in alignment with it. I'd go so far as to say these past few years I've just been doing things that I've been told are important instead of listening to what I actually want. I've always compared myself to others too much and I've always been too harsh on myself. It never really occurred to me that there's a difference between pushing your comfort zone vs accepting who you are. Instead of expanding my comfort zone and growing as a person I've just been criticizing who I am and trying to change it. There's definitely been growth, but there's also been a lot of avoidance around accepting who I am.
I've realized a lot of my personal strengths aren't things that are highly valued in western society at least. So when I measure myself up to a standard that doesn't even take me into consideration, it's a recipe for feeling like I'm wrong or that I need to change. I definitely have my faults, but the core of who I am, there's nothing wrong with it. The fact that I don't thrive in messed up environments isn't a weakness, it just shows I have a low tolerance for negativity and want to be above it.
I've sort of been in a cut off emotions and get things done mode lately. Thinking that once I got my life organized I would be happy. But I've realized it's brought me nothing but misery as I've lost my internal compass and fallen prey to all the manipulation out there that tries to coerce me into being anything but myself. I'm still learning what it means to be an alpha male for me, but so far I realize it's not about changing who I am at my core or trying to be someone else.
