This AM6 + AOSI blend is absolutely brutal on the psyche. I can't say for a fact that the end result will be good or if I'll turn out worse -- all I know is that purging some major demons right now. To elaborate, I'm going from low to extremely high to extremely low, sometimes within minutes. It's like the trigger for resistance is now hair thin.
Here's the thing, though: Every time I come out of the resistance, the "highs" are "higher" and it's like I'm learning something about myself that I never realized. In this particular instance, the resistance occurred after my business meeting didn't go as well as I wanted. I'm still profitable, but I wanted a large infusion of cash to make some bold (but crazy profitable) long-term investments. I ended up plummeting into that void of RAAAAAAAAGE!™ A major source of this anger is the fact that I feel like I wasted 10 years of my life suppressing my natural instincts and "being abused" by people who used my considerable talents for their own gain, only to betray me or leave me high and dry at the end of the day. I'm having to start completely over from scratch. It feels like going back to my old career as a marketing exec is impossible: I have no network, nowhere to begin. Thus, I've gotta find my path myself.
Now, here's the weird thing about this AM6 + AOSI interaction. Whenever I come out of that short burst of intense resistance, the aura begins to project. Like, I'm burning up right now and I have the AC and a rather large "Wind Tunnel" fan blowing on me. I can feel the waves of heat floating off my body. It's possible that this isn't AOSI's aura -- it COULD be one of the auras in AM6. Or, it could be the body's reaction to the OGSF in AOSI. Throughout my first run of AM6, I don't ever remember really feeling the auras. Now that I've overcome a lot of the resistance, maybe now I'm feeling it?
Anyway, as I came out of the resistance, I began to dwell on something that's occurred to me in the last few days, and it's something I'll have to keep reminding myself. I'm the one to blame for those "wasted" 10 years. When certain things were going down, I KNEW I was being led astray, I KNEW I should've trusted my judgment and highly honed intuition, but I STILL let others direct my will. This doesn't make them any less of an asshole, but at least now, I'm taking control of my life, energy and will and pushing them in the direction that I want to go.
After this AM6 run, I feel that my WILL is directing me to run E2, followed by BASE 5g (or Ultimate Writer, if available). My physical desires are pushing me to E2, followed by SM. Concerning the latter choice, I'm having to fight the urge to just check completely out of society, make enough money to live a comfortable, minimalist lifestyle and go out and seduce the hell out of low hanging fruit. I know I'm much more capable than that, however.
I'm hoping that E2 will clear up the emotional garbage clouding my path and I'll make the best decision for my life.
EDIT: On the dating / test front, French au pair gave me her number, then rescinded, claiming the number is only for her host family. Feels like a shit test to see if I'll just chat with her online and feed her validation. I'm letting her message bake for awhile unanswered, then I'm bypassing all the bulls**t and just asking her when she's free on Saturday.
Here's the thing, though: Every time I come out of the resistance, the "highs" are "higher" and it's like I'm learning something about myself that I never realized. In this particular instance, the resistance occurred after my business meeting didn't go as well as I wanted. I'm still profitable, but I wanted a large infusion of cash to make some bold (but crazy profitable) long-term investments. I ended up plummeting into that void of RAAAAAAAAGE!™ A major source of this anger is the fact that I feel like I wasted 10 years of my life suppressing my natural instincts and "being abused" by people who used my considerable talents for their own gain, only to betray me or leave me high and dry at the end of the day. I'm having to start completely over from scratch. It feels like going back to my old career as a marketing exec is impossible: I have no network, nowhere to begin. Thus, I've gotta find my path myself.
Now, here's the weird thing about this AM6 + AOSI interaction. Whenever I come out of that short burst of intense resistance, the aura begins to project. Like, I'm burning up right now and I have the AC and a rather large "Wind Tunnel" fan blowing on me. I can feel the waves of heat floating off my body. It's possible that this isn't AOSI's aura -- it COULD be one of the auras in AM6. Or, it could be the body's reaction to the OGSF in AOSI. Throughout my first run of AM6, I don't ever remember really feeling the auras. Now that I've overcome a lot of the resistance, maybe now I'm feeling it?
Anyway, as I came out of the resistance, I began to dwell on something that's occurred to me in the last few days, and it's something I'll have to keep reminding myself. I'm the one to blame for those "wasted" 10 years. When certain things were going down, I KNEW I was being led astray, I KNEW I should've trusted my judgment and highly honed intuition, but I STILL let others direct my will. This doesn't make them any less of an asshole, but at least now, I'm taking control of my life, energy and will and pushing them in the direction that I want to go.
After this AM6 run, I feel that my WILL is directing me to run E2, followed by BASE 5g (or Ultimate Writer, if available). My physical desires are pushing me to E2, followed by SM. Concerning the latter choice, I'm having to fight the urge to just check completely out of society, make enough money to live a comfortable, minimalist lifestyle and go out and seduce the hell out of low hanging fruit. I know I'm much more capable than that, however.
I'm hoping that E2 will clear up the emotional garbage clouding my path and I'll make the best decision for my life.
EDIT: On the dating / test front, French au pair gave me her number, then rescinded, claiming the number is only for her host family. Feels like a shit test to see if I'll just chat with her online and feed her validation. I'm letting her message bake for awhile unanswered, then I'm bypassing all the bulls**t and just asking her when she's free on Saturday.
