Expanding My Universe (Universal Healing 5.8g)

[Benjamin]

Could write a few more things but don't really feel like writing much other than what I noticed today.

I've been feeling like I was going to just lose my shit. A few little things had a ton of anger coming up, like when the fitted sheet just wasn't going on my bed properly and a few other little things like that and I was getting close to just exploding with anger.

Yes, it's an old pattern.. likely from my dad who would get irrationally angry at little things when I was younger and yell and swear.

Also a few times when I went down the street I just kind of got flustered and started sweating. I don't even remember why, but it wasn't anything much, but I did notice it when it was happening.

This morning I had the realization that I was feeling alot more needy.. and as soon as I noticed it some sabotage come up and ruined it and i've been feeling quite needy today and thinking about girls alot more again.

[Benjamin]

Interesting.

On OF v3 I noticed that I didn't get along with certain people and I really got a dodgy vibe from them and they tended to not talk to me alot at times, then after stopping it I started talking to them more and they talked to me more.

I'm guessing it may have been DRS.

Maybe a month ago I run into a guy who used to goto the gym and found out he's fairly like minded, we talked about alot of healing stuff and exchanged numbers. Though in the back of my head I know he's dodgy, sounds like he's trying to change but from what i've heard he's bashed people in the past, been to jail etc.

Well he messaged me today and I instantly got a bad feeling like "I don't want to talk to this person". I replied back because I guess I felt obligated, but now i'm really getting the feeling of "I don't want to engage with this person" along with some anxious feelings.

I can't say it's being in an antisocial mood, because i've messaged friends today or they've messaged me and that's fine. So it's almost like "this person will be a negative influence for your healing and possibly drag you into shit you don't want to be in".

I just sent him a link to a youtube channel and I think i'll not reply again.

[Benjamin]

A few years ago I would goto other towns by myself and just goto the shopping centre and walk around town. Haven't for quite a while, some of it due to trauma and physical issues originally.. but then also not doing so the last 2 years due to totalitarian bullshit.

Well another difference is now that I have a good friendship group which I didn't a few years ago, but this is still reminding me of E2 where I was doing these things alot by myself. Now it's like "I can hangout with friends or also do these things by myself and be okay either way".


Today I had the urge to, well i'd decided to a few days ago to go today.. but what generally has happened recently is i've woken up and been like "I can't be bothered" so seems UH is doing something.

I've also noticed some symptoms that are similar to when I first got the physical issue I was talking about, but also combined with trauma.. in that certain things make my head start to feel constricted, almost a 'physical shutdown' type feeling. It was so bad at one stage it I couldn't watch action shows or movies for a while which is crazy. Nor could I even watch Martial Arts training videos. Anyway, I noticed some of this response watching some other videos last night. At this point i'd say mostly a trauma based response due to something being worked on, but could also be the detoxing or physical healing part of UH.

Anyway, went to this other town and this is fairly strange. It's like i'm drawing some people in and others won't even talk to me. Like in the supermarket checkout line an old couple started talking to me, and in one clothes shop an older guy working chatted to me a fair bit but didn't say much to the people who come in after me.

But it seems attractive girls working in shops and such weren't even acknowledging me, not really even saying hi as they usually would when you walk in and they're working. Also going into most shops I was like "I just don't even want them to talk to me" which is unusual too as i'm usually happy to chat to them.

My thought is that alot of what's being worked on for me at the moment is around girls, rejection, abandonment and such. So the feeling is almost like it's preventing 'letting them in' as that's where the trauma has come from, or that because that's where the trauma has come from i'm pushing them away and signalling 'stay away from me' at the moment.

I felt like I was alternating inbetween not wanting people to talk to me, to then opening up a little through the day but mostly feeling closed and antisocial.

In the end it reminded me of my old frustration, i'd goto these other places and see attractive girls and not be able to talk to them and get pissed off and feel like it was a waste of time, then the same shit would happen again and again. Today I felt that, but also it was just to get out somewhere and I enjoyed it for that, got a massage, went to the art gallery after that. I also went into an abandoned building which is another thing I enjoy, I just seen it while walking past and went in.

Then when I got back to my town it was a distinct difference, there was a bit of a meeting with some candidates locally, I seen it was still going and I in knowing some of my friends might be there. Wasn't too many people left, but I met the candidates and chatted to them a fair bit, and the distinct difference from the rest of the day is I was talkative, basically had all the attention on me half the time, really good responses etc. And there was one woman there who was cute and I could see that she was a little nervous around me and wondered if she was attracted too, but I wasn't sure if the other guy there was her husband or not.

Now i'm sitting at home, and actually feeling a bit lightheaded which is an old symptom. I've had this a couple of times on UH but in general haven't had it much for quite a while.

So some signs of things opening up a little and wanting to branch out more and go places. As I said i'm doing way more now in the last year or so but due to trauma before, and then the physical stuff I was dealing with I haven't ventured out quite as much, it's kind of felt like too much of an effort.

[Benjamin]

It's interesting, sometimes I feel these programs direct me to do a certain thing to get a reaction which triggers something in me.

I had an urge to post a speech I did about masculinity on a dating group, I did the speech like 3 weeks ago but suddenly felt like posting it. And it was declined for the bullshit reason of 'it might offend people'.. seriously.

I told her what I thought when I got a message saying it's not appropriate. And yes there are other posts about this on the group and from the other side too, but most of them are pc kind of crap.

And it set something off and I got angry and it's like it broke through something so I went to posts there i'd seen that had annoyed me that I was like 'oh nah, I can't be bothered with the argument' and started telling them what I thought. So looks like i'm not part of the group anymore and it really pointed out their hypocricy.

Anyway, went to my friends house for a mens group we do, turns out he went camping. I knew that but didn't realize he was going so early in the week,  I only knew when a girl we're friends with showed up as she's feeding his cats.

This is slightly awkward, a year ago we almost had a thing, she really seemed to trigger my abandonment issues and I got really needy with her and in the end told her "I can't promise a relationship" because of her kids basically (I don't want to inherit several kids) and I lost interest.

Well then my friend met her and the same thing happened, sadly he's been manipulated a bit and i've told him several times but he's kind of all in. she's pregnant at the moment to the guy she's living with, alot of weirdness around that too but I won't expand more.

Well I legitimately stopped being interested in her after we had the thing, but tonight I was feeling it and wanting to flirt, but kind of feeling weird and awkward.. though talked a bit and I come in and sat on the couch. Not that anything could happen anyway as she had 2 of her kids there. But it seems UH since it's stirring up these same issues that lead me to neediness with her may be bringing this up.

So from the outside I can perfectly see and tell my friend that he's getting to far into it, being really needy, that she isn't suitable for a relationship because of alot of her bs.. but that doesn't stop me emotionally from suddenly being attracted and wanting to fuck her again. Of course I wouldn't want to risk my friendship with him, funny we met her independently and i'd told him about her before that but he didn't know who she was when he met her and I didn't mind as i'd said no to her.. but still that doesn't stop the attraction.

Something about her and I guess her own issues obviously really triggers guys who also have abandonment issues. As I also momentarily kind of went all in with her back then too.

Eh and now I went and read all of our messages and i'm feeilng more down. I'm comfortable socially as i've said now, even around girls now.. but it seems that in the last few years i've lost alot of my ability to flirt, take the lead and such.. obviously due to trauma and issues from what i've been dealing with. Sometimes it'll occasionally kick in, like reading my messages to her it was very flirty from both sides, but that just seems to happen very occasionally.

[Benjamin]

So this is weird, since starting UH i've found cold showers much more difficult and am losing interest in doing them, when it's been like 6+ months since i've been doing them daily. This could possibly be that it kicks you into fight and flight and potentially might be going against healing trauma.

Thinking about it more last night, it's almost as if I was just there in the right time to see that girl and have it bring up stuff to work through.

Last night in bed was the most intense night i've had in ages, it reminded me of 4 years ago when I got the intense physical issues and had all kinds of stuff happening while in bed, though luckily it wasn't to that level.

These symptoms are familiar though and I used to have it alot and also attributed it to candida type symptoms. I was really constipated and just had to keep getting up to goto the toilet, this is combined with strong emotional intensity, being in some form of fight and flight as every sound outside seemed much more obvious, and some soreness in the stomach and that area.

First I had alot of emotional intensity, anger, rage, frustration, rejection, abandonment, and also some stuff coming up from when my physical symptoms were really bad, like fear from that and this reminding me of it.. also thinking about that girl and similar things and getting so frustrated. Eventually I stayed with it and it discharged.

After going to the toilet a few times then I went back to bed, was kind of shaking and feeling a bit cold. Then I let myself stay with the feelings, it went from pressure and some soreness around my butt and then I rolled over to lay on my back and breathe, and then noticed soreness in the lower left part of my stomach. I stayed with it and can't say for sure if all of this was emotional upheaval but it really felt like it was coming up and being worked through and the whole process was kicked off by UH.

I stayed with it for a bit, and then I felt this sudden energy/pressure go through my head and my ears blocked up and then unblocked in a split second, and then the soreness in my stomach disappeared.

I was like "wow" then this fucking sabotage come in trying to get rid of that shift which got my frustrated again. But I just tried to still stay with what was coming up.

[Benjamin]

Yesterday after my intensity the night before, I felt this sense of ease like something was different. I noticed that something felt different when I was making eye contact with girls, like part of my own bs wasn't there and I was looking at them differently and got a different response.

Anyway, I ran the toastmasters meeting last night and I was the most naturally comfortable i've ever been there. It wasn't like some kind of pumped up confidence, but just comfort and ease. A few of them commented on it at the end.

Something really felt different several times during the day.

But then in bed last night, my sabotage come up strongly.. and found a way to discharge it. It seems since the usual way it tries to sabotage has weakened my mind found a way to bring up the thought of when I used to do EFT in my mind and then tapping some stuff to sabotage it. I kept trying to get it out of my mind but I wasn't able to.

Mainly feeling tired today as I had too much of a late night. But I did notice after that happened, as when it does other times that I was looking at things I did when the subliminal was kicking in well, say things with less fear and such and feeling awkward about them all of a sudden like it suddenly felt weird when I did that.

Tonight back on listening after 5 nights off. It felt needed, i'm not hugely enthused to listen tonight due to my tiredness but i'd just say that's a bit of resistance to more input with whatever might be coming up at the moment.

[Benjamin]

The way i'm going on UH reminds me of like 5 years ago when I didn't really have a friendship group.

Not really feeling like socializing much, a few weeks ago I went to another town by myself, today I went to another one a bit further that I used to goto a bit. It was almost like another step further venturing out.

Got some clothes and other stuff, mostly enjoyed it. Girls seemed to be reacting weirdly. Girls serving me were either shy and weird or really friendly. Girls walking past seemed to give weird looks. But i'm also feeling more awkward and uncomfortable around them.

Whatever i'm projecting is different, a guy serving me in a clothes shop was talking to me heaps, security guards at the door of a few places were really friendly. It's kind of either they were really friendly or totally said nothing to me, it's hard to decipher right now but it's obviously due to something different i'm projecting while using UH.

One girl that served me was really happy and smiley, seemed over the top to just say 'she's being friendly cos she's doing her job'.. it was noticable. In one place the staff that come up and asked if I needed help seemed kind of scared or worried or something.

I was starting to get frustrated and have alot more stuff come up around girls, insecurities and such. Like seeing some of these weird losers, massive nerdy guys with okay girlfriends and i'm literally not able to get any girls at the moment. And also wanting attention or them to be attracted to me, but then when they are like a couple that smiled at me the fear would shut me down anyway so it's like i'm fucked either way and not in a good way.

But other than that I mostly enjoyed the trip, yesterday I was feeling like I didn't even want to leave the house, but I decided I was going to anyway and i'm glad I did. So it's obviously some old bs being stirred up from when I had alot more trauma and felt like I only wanted to stay at home. I wonder if it's similar with not feeling like socializing much right now, if I just make myself go then i'm sure it'll be okay.

It was the longest day trip i've done for a while. I even ended up going to a restaurant by myself about 45min away from home as it was getting time to eat, I questioned it and felt like it's dumb to go and eat by myself, but then I thought "No, the only reason I need is that I want to go there to eat" and I did. I brought a book before to read.

A guy serving in there commented on the book and chatted a bit. I felt fairly relaxed in there, didn't feel that weird. I've only gone out to dinner by myself before when I went to the city for a few nights, can't say i've done it just because I wanted to. Usually I go out to dinner with friends which I definately prefer.

Driving home from there alot more stuff come up. At first I was seriously just enjoying the trip and in the moment listening to music from when I was a teenager (Pearl Jam) until stuff started coming up, then some sabotage.. then all of a sudden I got annoyed and suddenly wasn't enjoying the trip anymore and all I wanted to do was get home. And I was getting more frustrated about girls.

And sadly when I got home it triggered the old pattern. When i'm feeling abandonment, rejection, insecurity, frustration around girls or sex.. especially if i've been out somewhere and seen alot of girls and fear/insecurity/bs totally stopped me doing anything and all the frustration comes up.. then the wanting to look at porn come up.

I told myself that if I do this it'll move me away from real physical relationships and i'm not doing it. But not long later I just started looking at it and forgot about that and got lost in it.

And then I got annoyed at myself straight after, said I won't do it again and deleted everything. Then about a half an hour later, again. Same pattern every time this happens. It's like it sets it off and I can't just stop at once.. and I know very well that within a few days i'll start feeling much worse, less confident, more awkward, less energy, less drive for life, and even physically weaker and less interest in workouts.

But still I fucking forget all that in the moment.

In the heat of the maximum frustration I felt like I need to just listen to UH for many more hours. I'm currently doing the 6 loops at night, and 1 hybrid loop through the day which I started a few days ago.

I don't know if that urge to listen alot more through the day was legit or just through the insecurities so i'll see what comes up tomorrow with that.

[THolt]

The way i'm going on UH reminds me of like 5 years ago when I didn't really have a friendship group.

Not really feeling like socializing much, a few weeks ago I went to another town by myself, today I went to another one a bit further that I used to goto a bit. It was almost like another step further venturing out.

Got some clothes and other stuff, mostly enjoyed it. Girls seemed to be reacting weirdly. Girls serving me were either shy and weird or really friendly. Girls walking past seemed to give weird looks. But i'm also feeling more awkward and uncomfortable around them.

Whatever i'm projecting is different, a guy serving me in a clothes shop was talking to me heaps, security guards at the door of a few places were really friendly. It's kind of either they were really friendly or totally said nothing to me, it's hard to decipher right now but it's obviously due to something different i'm projecting while using UH.

One girl that served me was really happy and smiley, seemed over the top to just say 'she's being friendly cos she's doing her job'.. it was noticable. In one place the staff that come up and asked if I needed help seemed kind of scared or worried or something.

I was starting to get frustrated and have alot more stuff come up around girls, insecurities and such. Like seeing some of these weird losers, massive nerdy guys with okay girlfriends and i'm literally not able to get any girls at the moment. And also wanting attention or them to be attracted to me, but then when they are like a couple that smiled at me the fear would shut me down anyway so it's like i'm fucked either way and not in a good way.

But other than that I mostly enjoyed the trip, yesterday I was feeling like I didn't even want to leave the house, but I decided I was going to anyway and i'm glad I did. So it's obviously some old bs being stirred up from when I had alot more trauma and felt like I only wanted to stay at home. I wonder if it's similar with not feeling like socializing much right now, if I just make myself go then i'm sure it'll be okay.

It was the longest day trip i've done for a while. I even ended up going to a restaurant by myself about 45min away from home as it was getting time to eat, I questioned it and felt like it's dumb to go and eat by myself, but then I thought "No, the only reason I need is that I want to go there to eat" and I did. I brought a book before to read.

A guy serving in there commented on the book and chatted a bit. I felt fairly relaxed in there, didn't feel that weird. I've only gone out to dinner by myself before when I went to the city for a few nights, can't say i've done it just because I wanted to. Usually I go out to dinner with friends which I definately prefer.

Driving home from there alot more stuff come up. At first I was seriously just enjoying the trip and in the moment listening to music from when I was a teenager (Pearl Jam) until stuff started coming up, then some sabotage.. then all of a sudden I got annoyed and suddenly wasn't enjoying the trip anymore and all I wanted to do was get home. And I was getting more frustrated about girls.

And sadly when I got home it triggered the old pattern. When i'm feeling abandonment, rejection, insecurity, frustration around girls or sex.. especially if i've been out somewhere and seen alot of girls and fear/insecurity/bs totally stopped me doing anything and all the frustration comes up.. then the wanting to look at porn come up.

I told myself that if I do this it'll move me away from real physical relationships and i'm not doing it. But not long later I just started looking at it and forgot about that and got lost in it.

And then I got annoyed at myself straight after, said I won't do it again and deleted everything. Then about a half an hour later, again. Same pattern every time this happens. It's like it sets it off and I can't just stop at once.. and I know very well that within a few days i'll start feeling much worse, less confident, more awkward, less energy, less drive for life, and even physically weaker and less interest in workouts.

But still I fucking forget all that in the moment.

In the heat of the maximum frustration I felt like I need to just listen to UH for many more hours. I'm currently doing the 6 loops at night, and 1 hybrid loop through the day which I started a few days ago.

I don't know if that urge to listen alot more through the day was legit or just through the insecurities so i'll see what comes up tomorrow with that.

I’ve been having the urge to listen to hybrid too even tho today is my day off. Might listen to a loop later.

[UniversalMan]

Hey @Benjamin ,how is it going with UH?

[GreekGod22]

Hey @Benjamin ,how is it going with UH?

I noticed he updated his journal with the note "Last night of listening 25/10/22.". For some reason, he no longer wrote in the journal.