Starting E2 again

[JCasterlin]

I am going to do everything I can to fight any & all resistance & run E2 ongoing. Right now I don't want to put a time frame on it other than I know its probably going to be more than twelve months. I've been going back & reading the journals of others who have run E2 & as inspiring as it is , it also makes me very aware of what I will potentially be dealing with in my own healing process & journey. More than anything I want to be able to see this through. To come out the other side far more emotionally healthy & mature than I am now

[JCasterlin]

Wasn't able to start on July 4th as I initially planned. I don't see it as a bad thing because at various points over the last few days I was able to see & understand even more how & why working on what keeps anyone from being mentally & emotionally healthy needs to be my priority. I feel like the one thing that hasn't made me sabotage myself from sticking to a single sub for an extended period of time is my ego. I turned 50 years old just under a week ago & although I refuse to think or believe I have to be or act a certain way because of that or for any other reason, I am now starting to understand how being or acting insecure because of unresolved issues can & will hurt you. I was wrong plain & simple. I should have listened to the advice given to me earlier. I intend to correct that now.

[DarkTempatation]

With E2 I have been running it on & off. But it's an amazing subliminal. I keep the loops from 1-3 anymore my mind and brain start to feel heavy. Just keep going even though it feels as if nothing is happening but surely cleansing is being done! Although I do feel quite tired alot so I need more sleep. Good luck with it! ?

[JCasterlin]

With E2 I have been running it on & off. But it's an amazing subliminal. I keep the loops from 1-3 anymore my mind and brain start to feel heavy. Just keep going even though it feels as if nothing is happening but surely cleansing is being done! Although I do feel quite tired alot so I need more sleep. Good luck with it! ?

For me it depends on the sub. When I briefly ran MLS 5.5 I had issues getting & staying asleep. I am starting my run of E2 tonight. Last week was nuts & I was having serious issues focusing because I was without one of my ADHD medications. Not making excuses I just know that without this particular med my focus is for shit. I do plan on running MLS again long term after E2. It will be fun to see what potential has been dormant because of all the crap I've dealt with. It's weird how I as @Greenduck said that I'm running away from using E2 because I have in the past stated to various people how I have always felt that there is something blocking a genius I have within me.
I've been through a lot recently. Especially the last couple of weeks with eliminating a very toxic family member from my life. Someone who along with others did everything they could to make me think I was somehow mentally disabled because I wouldn't live my life they way they wanted me to. She (my biological mother) even went as far as telling my aunt (her sister) that I was indeed mentally disabled. All it took was a conversation in person with that aunt for her to apologize to me for believing what my mother said. For reasons I will probably never understand she has gone to great lengths to sabotage me or hoping I would fail in some way no matter what it is I chose to do. She's never been like that with any other of my siblings biological or step. I agree now with @Shannon , @Benjamin , & @Greenduck , that E2 is what I need

[Greenduck]

Hey man! Glad to see that you are going down the E2 journey. I have some thoughts on stuff you can do to make your journey a bit more easier:

1) Your mother sounds like a real pain in the ass. And if you are in a weak-spot, that kind of person can truly be detrimental to your well-being and mental health. They can even make you feel like you are mentally ill, by manipulating you. You can google on "gaslighting" to read some about that kind of behavior. Good thing you have ended the relationship.

2) Read some books on difficult parents to better understand the situation. Even though that she is out of your life, doesn't remove the possible imprint that she has created on you during your upbrining. I'm reading a book called "difficult mothers" right now on that subject.

3) Try working with becoming more grounded. That have really helped me in my general well-being, setting boundaries, and also working with difficult emotions, and made me more clear headed. I'm doing a guided meditation 1 or 2 times a day directed to help with grounding, you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTqktSAmG30
If you decide for it, give it some time and patience. You will get more grounded, but you need to put effort into it for at least 1-2 months and keep doing it, you will be rewarded. You can also google on "trauma releasing exercisese" to release excessive stress from your body, which also can keep you from being more grounded.

Best of luck! You are in the right place

And one last advice - try not to overanalyze stuff, try to focus your time on actions that bring you forward and away from where you don't want to be. Overanalyzing seldom give you anything of value. If you want to analyze stuff, try talking to a friend about it, so you have someone who can keep stuff real

[JCasterlin]

Hey man! Glad to see that you are going down the E2 journey. I have some thoughts on stuff you can do to make your journey a bit more easier:

1) Your mother sounds like a real pain in the ass. And if you are in a weak-spot, that kind of person can truly be detrimental to your well-being and mental health. They can even make you feel like you are mentally ill, by manipulating you. You can google on "gaslighting" to read some about that kind of behavior. Good thing you have ended the relationship.

2) Read some books on difficult parents to better understand the situation. Even though that she is out of your life, doesn't remove the possible imprint that she has created on you during your upbrining. I'm reading a book called "difficult mothers" right now on that subject.

3) Try working with becoming more grounded. That have really helped me in my general well-being, setting boundaries, and also working with difficult emotions, and made me more clear headed. I'm doing a guided meditation 1 or 2 times a day directed to help with grounding, you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTqktSAmG30
If you decide for it, give it some time and patience. You will get more grounded, but you need to put effort into it for at least 1-2 months and keep doing it, you will be rewarded. You can also google on "trauma releasing exercisese" to release excessive stress from your body, which also can keep you from being more grounded.

Best of luck! You are in the right place

And one last advice - try not to overanalyze stuff, try to focus your time on actions that bring you forward and away from where you don't want to be. Overanalyzing seldom give you anything of value. If you want to analyze stuff, try talking to a friend about it, so you have someone who can keep stuff real

Thanks for the suggestions & advice. I'm curious as to how long I should run E2? Being patient is not something I am good at & obviously need to work on. I'm trying not to think about what results I'm getting or not in whatever span of time. I would rather let E2 do what it needs to do & go from there. I know it's doing something because last night I had a dream with my father in it & the end result was me telling him I'm not going to tolerate the way he is & me leaving where he was. The dream also involved my step mother & it made me realize how having any sense of personal responsibility was not something I was taught growing up. That apparently it's far easier to blame your personal failures on other people or situations. That said I know get why although I've spoken about personal responsibility in the past on an intellectual level , emotionally I have not embraced it the way I want & need to

[Greenduck]

Hey man! Glad to see that you are going down the E2 journey. I have some thoughts on stuff you can do to make your journey a bit more easier:

1) Your mother sounds like a real pain in the ass. And if you are in a weak-spot, that kind of person can truly be detrimental to your well-being and mental health. They can even make you feel like you are mentally ill, by manipulating you. You can google on "gaslighting" to read some about that kind of behavior. Good thing you have ended the relationship.

2) Read some books on difficult parents to better understand the situation. Even though that she is out of your life, doesn't remove the possible imprint that she has created on you during your upbrining. I'm reading a book called "difficult mothers" right now on that subject.

3) Try working with becoming more grounded. That have really helped me in my general well-being, setting boundaries, and also working with difficult emotions, and made me more clear headed. I'm doing a guided meditation 1 or 2 times a day directed to help with grounding, you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTqktSAmG30
If you decide for it, give it some time and patience. You will get more grounded, but you need to put effort into it for at least 1-2 months and keep doing it, you will be rewarded. You can also google on "trauma releasing exercisese" to release excessive stress from your body, which also can keep you from being more grounded.

Best of luck! You are in the right place

And one last advice - try not to overanalyze stuff, try to focus your time on actions that bring you forward and away from where you don't want to be. Overanalyzing seldom give you anything of value. If you want to analyze stuff, try talking to a friend about it, so you have someone who can keep stuff real

Thanks for the suggestions & advice. I'm curious as to how long I should run E2? Being patient is not something I am good at & obviously need to work on. I'm trying not to think about what results I'm getting or not in whatever span of time. I would rather let E2 do what it needs to do & go from there. I know it's doing something because last night I had a dream with my father in it & the end result was me telling him I'm not going to tolerate the way he is & me leaving where he was. The dream also involved my step mother & it made me realize how having any sense of personal responsibility was not something I was taught growing up. That apparently it's far easier to blame your personal failures on other people or situations. That said I know get why although I've spoken about personal responsibility in the past on an intellectual level , emotionally I have not embraced it the way I want & need to

Everyone is different. Learn to stop expecting stuff and try to go with it day by day, see things as they unfold. You will learn sooner or later. Sounds like you are getting some good insights.

[JCasterlin]

Day 1 - Finally forced myself to start E2 last night & played one of the masked versions for 4 to 5 hours while I slept. Had at least one weird dream relating to a job I haven't had in over eleven years. Outside of being tired I feel ok though.

[JCasterlin]

Missed a couple of days & realized last night when I turned the sub on to play that I have been listening to E1 not E2. At least it's wasn't something unrelated. It got me curious if there is any benefit to running E1 for three to six months then moving on to E2 for three to six months? I want to say I read a journal where someone had done just that.
I also have realized how not being consistent with the audio isn't just or necessarily resistance but also comes across as I'm sounding like a victim. The reason I mention that is because I remember telling someone many years ago how I was clearly displaying the " victim mentality " when I said how I didn't ask to be this way so why should I have to do the work to fix it? I want to say I said that when I was in my mid to late twenties. To me it's not anything like that at all anymore. I know for a fact that what I'm feeling now is nothing but fear. Fear of how long it will take to run E2 & especially the fear of dealing with whatever it is that needs to be dealt with as it comes to the surface

[Benjamin]

There's no benefit to running E1 first, in fact the opposite.. it'll be less effective to do so and makes no sense. The person that did that was likely just trying a free program first to see how it affected them.

[JCasterlin]

Back to listening to E2 after a short break to deal with some personal issues that only reinforced the need to run E2 for a lengthy period. I am finally willing to admit that yeah maybe I was somehow looking for a shortcut to fix or heal myself. The one thing that I couldn't & can't stop thinking about is something @Shannon wrote when discussing an " Ascending Alpha"

"Ouch, that looks like work, I will just avoid that by accepting myself as I am and consider that good enough."

That made me really think & come to terms with the fact that I have to be willing to do the work as much as it may suck. Eventually it won't. If I want to be the man I desperately want & need to be I have to do the work to get my shit together. So once again I'm at day one