04-30-2019, 05:02 AM
Last day of the 2nd cycle complete. Feeling a bit like I did in the middle of my E2 run the past couple days; meaning, I feel so relaxed that I feel emotionally numb, but more indifferent as opposed to negative. Maybe this is what it feels like to be constantly relaxed instead of sliding back and forth on the spectrum, maybe this is sustained emotional equanimity. One thing I can say is that being this calm-minded has helped me, after 28 years of living, helped me identify the root of ALL my fears, thanks mainly to my Mother, and feedback I got from others in my early childhood, I have a fear of messing up and making mistakes.
From early childhood I remember being sort of clumsy and clueless when it came to certain things. instead of having anyone there to teach and guide me on how to actually accomplish the task at hand, I was often shunned, ridiculed or yelled at. When I was yelled at it created a subconscious pressure that made me shut down and people would end up just doing things for me, which of course was horrible for my self-esteem. I had no recollection of these events until last night, guess the memories had been repressed as I grew older. Into adulthood, I've become much more confident and had to learn to get things accomplished, even when I kept running into obstacles, or kept being told no. These days my confidence and self-esteem is also self-generated, but now I realize that I became stagnant in certain areas in life because I've been afraid to affirm that I'm a failure. my worst fear.
To be honest though, I see this as irrational because if I don't put forth effort in these areas, I'll fail by default in the long run. With people, I've failed to connect out of fear of being betrayed again, but mostly feeling like I failed to maintain a connection again. On the business side, even though I've been taking steps to get back at it since BASE, this fear of failure has been gnawing at me the whole time. With romance, me having many failed relationships and my recent divorce has me thinking what's the point in trying to establish anything beyond a physical connection with another woman?
I now see the source of the perfectionistic tendencies I had in my early 20's, and why I was so driven to excel beyond everyone around me. I was never outwardly arrogant, but was inwardly so back then, more accurately, I had both an inferiority and a superiority complex embedded at the same time. Constantly achieving more than my peers but never feeling like it was good enough and that I should be farther ahead. Fast forward to today and I thought I had lost the "fire" and passion to succeed. Truth is between some life truths I've discovered, and using these subs, I lost a good portion of the fear that motivated me to succeed. It's become more apparent here on LTU 5, and with only 2 cycles completed. Looks like I know have to figure out how to become, and remain internally and positively motivated in order to rise to the next level.
From early childhood I remember being sort of clumsy and clueless when it came to certain things. instead of having anyone there to teach and guide me on how to actually accomplish the task at hand, I was often shunned, ridiculed or yelled at. When I was yelled at it created a subconscious pressure that made me shut down and people would end up just doing things for me, which of course was horrible for my self-esteem. I had no recollection of these events until last night, guess the memories had been repressed as I grew older. Into adulthood, I've become much more confident and had to learn to get things accomplished, even when I kept running into obstacles, or kept being told no. These days my confidence and self-esteem is also self-generated, but now I realize that I became stagnant in certain areas in life because I've been afraid to affirm that I'm a failure. my worst fear.
To be honest though, I see this as irrational because if I don't put forth effort in these areas, I'll fail by default in the long run. With people, I've failed to connect out of fear of being betrayed again, but mostly feeling like I failed to maintain a connection again. On the business side, even though I've been taking steps to get back at it since BASE, this fear of failure has been gnawing at me the whole time. With romance, me having many failed relationships and my recent divorce has me thinking what's the point in trying to establish anything beyond a physical connection with another woman?
I now see the source of the perfectionistic tendencies I had in my early 20's, and why I was so driven to excel beyond everyone around me. I was never outwardly arrogant, but was inwardly so back then, more accurately, I had both an inferiority and a superiority complex embedded at the same time. Constantly achieving more than my peers but never feeling like it was good enough and that I should be farther ahead. Fast forward to today and I thought I had lost the "fire" and passion to succeed. Truth is between some life truths I've discovered, and using these subs, I lost a good portion of the fear that motivated me to succeed. It's become more apparent here on LTU 5, and with only 2 cycles completed. Looks like I know have to figure out how to become, and remain internally and positively motivated in order to rise to the next level.
