Stage 4, 2 weeks in
Right now I am facing lots of ups and downs, can't really understand what is happening in me. At one moment I feel strong and confident as never before and the next, I do crumble to pieces. I do have a lot of thoughts running in my head that is drawing energy from me and simply needs to be expressed to will write them out here. Don't take them too serious it is just that I am under "resistance depression" and need to went it out.
Few days back have been exposed to a guy who are is biggest asshole I have ever seen. I am not saying I am an angel, but he were just a total opposite of me and my life. It just f*cks you up then you seen a guy without a care in his world because he knows he has rich parents and will be fine whatever he does. He tried university, but did drop out of it, right now he is out partying and drinking every day of the week. People don't even like him, but are with him because he can be of some value in future. Even hot girls that are telling everybody behind his back that he is a kid is sleeping with him. He is happy and carefree, I guess the world is really not a fair place. Maybe my approach to getting sex is simply not good, maybe I should be a jerk and a asshole... I am not a nice guy, but after seeing something like that I do definitely notice that I am to serious for my age.
Lately have noticed that my circle of friends have diminished for one or another reason, mainly I am now interacting with only my best friend everyday. I like people and I love socializing with them, but I am particularly picky about people I spend my time with and generally have hard time finding people I would like to be friends with. I am simply to mature for my age group and while some people are just getting drunk literally every day, I do chase my dreams, have my businesses running and I am improving my life and I simply do have hard time being one in the mass of people. Also the problem with similar people to me is that they simply don't have time for fun, while I am reaching the stage of autopilot and outsourcing that allows me to have free time, at my age they are working their asses off.
I am a little bit afraid that SM might not work and while I am 20 and virgin in the past I haven't worried about it, but right now bad thought are starting to creep me out. I need better social circle to increase the flow of people in my life, but at the same time I don't know how to find similar people who actually wants to have fun for the reasons mentioned above. In this stage I did notice 2 approaches from women: one was simply 10 years older women coming up through a street and asking for a lighter and another one was a tourist at evening asking me and a friend for a place there she and her friends could party. While it was simply approach and nothing sexual it does give me some indications that in future it might go better. After all I am only in stage 4.
Also I have experienced few dreams where I do beat people up, it is interesting because I am not the person to get in fights. Friend of mine also said that I sometimes do have a scary face like I could easily kill somebody (SM auras unbalanced?..).
Thinking about whatever I should do stage 7 for a month or two after finishing SM, or should just rerun it again. What are your thought about it?
Sorry for all the wining here, just I guess things have added up, but as always with subs, I am kinda happy about depression because it shows something good is happening in me and when it clears up my life will be better.
Right now I am facing lots of ups and downs, can't really understand what is happening in me. At one moment I feel strong and confident as never before and the next, I do crumble to pieces. I do have a lot of thoughts running in my head that is drawing energy from me and simply needs to be expressed to will write them out here. Don't take them too serious it is just that I am under "resistance depression" and need to went it out.
Few days back have been exposed to a guy who are is biggest asshole I have ever seen. I am not saying I am an angel, but he were just a total opposite of me and my life. It just f*cks you up then you seen a guy without a care in his world because he knows he has rich parents and will be fine whatever he does. He tried university, but did drop out of it, right now he is out partying and drinking every day of the week. People don't even like him, but are with him because he can be of some value in future. Even hot girls that are telling everybody behind his back that he is a kid is sleeping with him. He is happy and carefree, I guess the world is really not a fair place. Maybe my approach to getting sex is simply not good, maybe I should be a jerk and a asshole... I am not a nice guy, but after seeing something like that I do definitely notice that I am to serious for my age.
Lately have noticed that my circle of friends have diminished for one or another reason, mainly I am now interacting with only my best friend everyday. I like people and I love socializing with them, but I am particularly picky about people I spend my time with and generally have hard time finding people I would like to be friends with. I am simply to mature for my age group and while some people are just getting drunk literally every day, I do chase my dreams, have my businesses running and I am improving my life and I simply do have hard time being one in the mass of people. Also the problem with similar people to me is that they simply don't have time for fun, while I am reaching the stage of autopilot and outsourcing that allows me to have free time, at my age they are working their asses off.
I am a little bit afraid that SM might not work and while I am 20 and virgin in the past I haven't worried about it, but right now bad thought are starting to creep me out. I need better social circle to increase the flow of people in my life, but at the same time I don't know how to find similar people who actually wants to have fun for the reasons mentioned above. In this stage I did notice 2 approaches from women: one was simply 10 years older women coming up through a street and asking for a lighter and another one was a tourist at evening asking me and a friend for a place there she and her friends could party. While it was simply approach and nothing sexual it does give me some indications that in future it might go better. After all I am only in stage 4.
Also I have experienced few dreams where I do beat people up, it is interesting because I am not the person to get in fights. Friend of mine also said that I sometimes do have a scary face like I could easily kill somebody (SM auras unbalanced?..).
Thinking about whatever I should do stage 7 for a month or two after finishing SM, or should just rerun it again. What are your thought about it?
Sorry for all the wining here, just I guess things have added up, but as always with subs, I am kinda happy about depression because it shows something good is happening in me and when it clears up my life will be better.
