S Magnet 3

[LionKing]

I've had sex every month so far. It's just not as dramatic as the ad page says from the very start.

^^This. For me at least, the sales page is just so well done that it brings up all these images of what a SM should be, and then there's the hype/expectation that gets piled on top of that on the forum + hoping/despairing for it to work b/c of the money & time investment.. And then, despite all that, it worked well for me for brief moments. I was just expecting fireworks and fanfares, but its just this easy feeling or set of feelings you get. Like there was one date that I just sort of got on Tinder that day, then went in, was feeling good like this, and then sex happened, but the only thing I remember was feeling pretty good about it. And then there's this wordless connection that happened many times.. that actually is sort of like fireworks exploding in your face, but I didn't realize what this was, and was too scared to be this vulnerable, and to just stand there in it. Its this habit of running back to the thinking mind for "shit, I need to do something now, I don't know what to do" and such, and then you resist and retreat from what's actually happening. Ok, now I'm just rambling again :D

I've run OGSF inside AM6 + SM3 for damn near a year already, and these memories still affect me PHYSICALLY when i think of them; my body reacts to the memories, which is how I know they plague me so deeply.

Its sort of like this^. If that would've been written by me, I think I would've noticed these physical reaction I get to some situation/memory, and I'd have run back to my thinking for "pain, yikes, what do I need to do.. I need to run OF/OGSF/EPRHA, then I can clear this". But now I'm really starting to think "that's already there". I have the pain in my body right then & there. This is the time to be with it and accept it, not to escape to thinking/planning/eating/tv/etc and try to win it that way, but just to be interested in it. I've been noticing now that every morning I wake up tense (chest/neck). Usually I force it away, get to my coffee & planning and such. B/c I can, b/c its not that strong. But I can also choose to be in the hurt of these feeling, b/c I'm that strong as well, it can't kill me or anything. Its sort of like once on SM I was at this club and I was just standing in front of these 2 girls. I couldn't think of anything to say. I knew I liked the other one and we had talked for a bit and had eye contact and she liked me, but then I just had nothing & they were not going to do anything, but I didn't want to leave either... so I just stood there and smiled at her goofily and all 3 of us had these cycles of busting out laughing & tension. So that is the fireworks, some essence of it anyways. Once I get that, that's what works, and SM3 really turn the dial up on those, but then there's all this how "it should happen", and I should be "alpha" & "dominant", etc. Those may be true, but if I start thinking of any of that (which I do 99% of the time), then I'm not open to, or with, what's really happening in my body. So now I'm thinking this is OF/OGSF already. To overcome it is to realize and overcome the fear of being with the fear, and thus eventually learn about it and get over it.

I'm not even going to read all that^^ :D Its therapy for myself, hopefully someone got a laugh out of it at least.