12-29-2015, 07:58 PM
stage 6 day 12
i hit another road block of negativity. i don't really remember feeling this in stage 4 or 5, but there's a general disconnect I feel, perhaps with the last bit of programming trying to sink in.
reading what catman wrote on ben's journal helped me identify what's going through my head in a more concrete manner.
perhaps deep down i feel like i don't deserve sex. maybe it's connected with the death of my unborn child in 2010 that scarred me to the point where i'm afraid that having sex will result in risking the loss of another potential child. i've come to the conclusion that any guilt/shame/fear and emotional damage preventing me from moving forward sexually is directly due to these issues.
i also feel just so far removed from those around me. i share a room with this 31 year old dude who's "hard as f***", and 2 of the other guys I live with are also ex gang bangers, and even though these guys are GREAT friends of mine, I've been feeling so DISTANT from them, because of how different I am than them. It's creating a division between us that is unnatural, because I've known and loved these guys for at least the past 11 months. And I know for FACT they don't view the fact that we have vastly different pasts as any reason to be a form of division between us.
It all started when two weeks ago, the 3 of them sat me down and "warned me" about the black girl that I've mentioned in my previous posts. they said "be wary of her motives" and "she's not a very honest person", etc.... Then last night, they busted my balls about spending so much time with her, in a JOKING and LOVING way... but man, all it did was made me feel even more different than them. These guys have "99 problems but a bi*** ain't one", they can pull women more effectively than flowers pull bees toward them. So all of this adds to the "shame" of having had a 5 year long dry spell, when these guys feel shame for having a week long dry spell.... The way they talk to women is also a lot smoother than mine. So MAN I have literally CREATED this disconnect in my own mind, and convinced myself a whole world of this bullsh** is true when it's not.
But what's going on in my mind is what it is, and my thinking is intoxicated by what I know to be "true" based on the past. So I guess there's some shit to deal with regarding the past.
This post has been more of a venting session than anything else, lol.
*** I might run EHPRA instead of OGSF after this, lmao. oh the timing of a song lyric that I heard as I was about to hit the "post reply" button that I should consider as SAGE advice
i hit another road block of negativity. i don't really remember feeling this in stage 4 or 5, but there's a general disconnect I feel, perhaps with the last bit of programming trying to sink in.
reading what catman wrote on ben's journal helped me identify what's going through my head in a more concrete manner.
perhaps deep down i feel like i don't deserve sex. maybe it's connected with the death of my unborn child in 2010 that scarred me to the point where i'm afraid that having sex will result in risking the loss of another potential child. i've come to the conclusion that any guilt/shame/fear and emotional damage preventing me from moving forward sexually is directly due to these issues.
i also feel just so far removed from those around me. i share a room with this 31 year old dude who's "hard as f***", and 2 of the other guys I live with are also ex gang bangers, and even though these guys are GREAT friends of mine, I've been feeling so DISTANT from them, because of how different I am than them. It's creating a division between us that is unnatural, because I've known and loved these guys for at least the past 11 months. And I know for FACT they don't view the fact that we have vastly different pasts as any reason to be a form of division between us.
It all started when two weeks ago, the 3 of them sat me down and "warned me" about the black girl that I've mentioned in my previous posts. they said "be wary of her motives" and "she's not a very honest person", etc.... Then last night, they busted my balls about spending so much time with her, in a JOKING and LOVING way... but man, all it did was made me feel even more different than them. These guys have "99 problems but a bi*** ain't one", they can pull women more effectively than flowers pull bees toward them. So all of this adds to the "shame" of having had a 5 year long dry spell, when these guys feel shame for having a week long dry spell.... The way they talk to women is also a lot smoother than mine. So MAN I have literally CREATED this disconnect in my own mind, and convinced myself a whole world of this bullsh** is true when it's not.
But what's going on in my mind is what it is, and my thinking is intoxicated by what I know to be "true" based on the past. So I guess there's some shit to deal with regarding the past.
This post has been more of a venting session than anything else, lol.
*** I might run EHPRA instead of OGSF after this, lmao. oh the timing of a song lyric that I heard as I was about to hit the "post reply" button that I should consider as SAGE advice
Quote:There is no hope in misery
