10-17-2015, 11:42 PM
stage 4 day 2
I went out to a bar with a couple other sober friends to see the performance of an electronic artist. It sucked. the bar scene is not fun when you're sober. There were a few super hot girls with some good looking alpha's (no homo), and this is HUGE because I actually didn't RESENT these guys for being with super hot girls. The old me saw this as a threat and put me on the defense internally. But now, it was like "meh"; it was no big deal. I guess I'm seeing these super hot girls as more attainable to me now.
I doubt it has anything to do with stage 4... I just finally got a chance to test being out in "public" for once. my friends say there was this one dude who was giving me the death stare all night, even though I never made eye contact with him. I wonder what he wanted from me?
BY THE WAY, since we're speaking of OGSF, I highly recommend anyone reading this to make a list of everything they fear. whether it be rational or irrational. I made a list of a lot of my fears, identified the cause, and identified what areas of my life it affected. I then proceeded to ask my higher power for help me with those fears, but since this topic is not allowed here i'll leave it at that. but exposing my fears allowed me to be aware of them, so I can know my strengths and weaknesses. For example, i have a fear of success AND a fear of failure; I realized that my mind entertains "no man's land", which leaves motivation at a standstill. I'm afraid of failing, so why try at anything? nobody will expnect anything of me if i'm at the bottom. I'm afraid of success, because it means I will have responsibilities, and I will have to do work... And then I'll have to be accountable to myself and most likely others.
I'm afraid of never having the girl, and also afraid of getting the girl. A catch 22 which makes NO sense and allows NO room for growth. DETRIMENTAL.
A lot of my fears are irrational and by taking a personal inventory, I can do some housecleaning and figure out where I have excess garbage. After identifying the garbage, I can proceed to dispose of it, and I'm sure the subs will have a much easier time if the conscious and the subconscious are in line with each other in that regard.
As far as guilt and shame, I don't really have any of that so it seems. I can talk about really sensitive subjects with ease. I don't feel the overwhelming heartache over the past when I think of my darkest moments. This will be 10 months of OGSF via AM6 and SM3, so I'm probably clear of all that.
****
now onto more relevant matters. I've been texting that LTR material girl every day, and we exchange texts and phone calls all day every day. We're going camping with a group next weekend, and then going out of town together with a different group the weekend after for a minivacation. I'm REALLY into her! The only weidr thing is that when I'm around her, I get all emotional and it becomes difficult to talk to her, and i just get lost in all the attraction. It's so new to me, but I feel like I did when I had my high school crushes. I'm experiencing this for the first time sober, and I realize I'm changing the way I feel through her. All this talk about her makes it seem like I'm putting her up on a pedestal, huh? Well, she's someone I genuinely find attractive at her core. I don't have trouble flirting with hotter looking girls, which is so surface level so this one is different.
I love being constantly horny. When I close my eyes, I can almost envision my sexual energy encompassing girls. I feel like my erections are stiffer lately, but i'm not sure if that's an effect of the program or by not masturbating as often. And I'll have erections in the middle of the day, just by thinking of girls!!! i like this massive sex drive. I DONT like not having a (few) fuq buddy(s).
tl;dr
- i'm becoming more comfortable with being in my own skin
- i'm super attracted to one girl
- i feel clearer of fears
- mass horniness
I went out to a bar with a couple other sober friends to see the performance of an electronic artist. It sucked. the bar scene is not fun when you're sober. There were a few super hot girls with some good looking alpha's (no homo), and this is HUGE because I actually didn't RESENT these guys for being with super hot girls. The old me saw this as a threat and put me on the defense internally. But now, it was like "meh"; it was no big deal. I guess I'm seeing these super hot girls as more attainable to me now.
I doubt it has anything to do with stage 4... I just finally got a chance to test being out in "public" for once. my friends say there was this one dude who was giving me the death stare all night, even though I never made eye contact with him. I wonder what he wanted from me?
BY THE WAY, since we're speaking of OGSF, I highly recommend anyone reading this to make a list of everything they fear. whether it be rational or irrational. I made a list of a lot of my fears, identified the cause, and identified what areas of my life it affected. I then proceeded to ask my higher power for help me with those fears, but since this topic is not allowed here i'll leave it at that. but exposing my fears allowed me to be aware of them, so I can know my strengths and weaknesses. For example, i have a fear of success AND a fear of failure; I realized that my mind entertains "no man's land", which leaves motivation at a standstill. I'm afraid of failing, so why try at anything? nobody will expnect anything of me if i'm at the bottom. I'm afraid of success, because it means I will have responsibilities, and I will have to do work... And then I'll have to be accountable to myself and most likely others.
I'm afraid of never having the girl, and also afraid of getting the girl. A catch 22 which makes NO sense and allows NO room for growth. DETRIMENTAL.
A lot of my fears are irrational and by taking a personal inventory, I can do some housecleaning and figure out where I have excess garbage. After identifying the garbage, I can proceed to dispose of it, and I'm sure the subs will have a much easier time if the conscious and the subconscious are in line with each other in that regard.
As far as guilt and shame, I don't really have any of that so it seems. I can talk about really sensitive subjects with ease. I don't feel the overwhelming heartache over the past when I think of my darkest moments. This will be 10 months of OGSF via AM6 and SM3, so I'm probably clear of all that.
****
now onto more relevant matters. I've been texting that LTR material girl every day, and we exchange texts and phone calls all day every day. We're going camping with a group next weekend, and then going out of town together with a different group the weekend after for a minivacation. I'm REALLY into her! The only weidr thing is that when I'm around her, I get all emotional and it becomes difficult to talk to her, and i just get lost in all the attraction. It's so new to me, but I feel like I did when I had my high school crushes. I'm experiencing this for the first time sober, and I realize I'm changing the way I feel through her. All this talk about her makes it seem like I'm putting her up on a pedestal, huh? Well, she's someone I genuinely find attractive at her core. I don't have trouble flirting with hotter looking girls, which is so surface level so this one is different.
I love being constantly horny. When I close my eyes, I can almost envision my sexual energy encompassing girls. I feel like my erections are stiffer lately, but i'm not sure if that's an effect of the program or by not masturbating as often. And I'll have erections in the middle of the day, just by thinking of girls!!! i like this massive sex drive. I DONT like not having a (few) fuq buddy(s).
tl;dr
- i'm becoming more comfortable with being in my own skin
- i'm super attracted to one girl
- i feel clearer of fears
- mass horniness
