06-17-2019, 01:11 PM
I really hope I didn't just fuck it all up all over again.
So, I'm on and about, having a rather pleasant day (despite not feeling quite up to snuff due to that respiratory infection I've come down with), running into various females I like left and right (with one even giving a show of her undies quite blatantly), feeling good, and then - *pow* - I see designee "sweet little aristocrat" and I become partially paralyzed with fear - I get a deep, dark sensation in my liver, which then moved on up to my heart (and I'm still feeling not quite up to snuff heart-wise right about now, I'll have to do something about this); she was obviously inviting me to come on over first by waving, smiling, sunshine-and-rainbowing, then saying hi in passing, but all I found myself able to do was to reciprocate what she was doing but unwilling to do anything else; and I had this thought going through my head "yeah, I'm fucking it all up again, I'm too scared again".
On the other hand, these thoughts were somehow originating from the "dark-feeling" areas, the rest of my body was feeling very fine and kinda content with what was going on. So, hopefully, that fear-reaction was more of a "WTF am I doing by not going over there, I'm going to lose her" reaction to what I was actually doing (which was pretty much a "that's nice, but gimme some more, girl" type of thing - *which I did to at least 4 or 5 other attractive females earlier on in the day*).
After I returned home, I literally bawled as if I were releasing stored, painful emotions, it was something to the extent "if in response to what I just did, she responds with -this and this type of manipulative behavior I've experienced on more than one occasion-, I don't think I'm going to be able to take it this time", and I was listening to this here joyful song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=453K_J_4gTI (warning, it's kinda heavy, but the lyrics, I believe, are exactly on point given what I've written earlier on in the journal). Even though I think I've let most of it out by now, I still physically feel as if I've just gone through an extremely stressful situation, and my heart still feels kinda wonky.
Well, crapitty. Here's hoping.
So, I'm on and about, having a rather pleasant day (despite not feeling quite up to snuff due to that respiratory infection I've come down with), running into various females I like left and right (with one even giving a show of her undies quite blatantly), feeling good, and then - *pow* - I see designee "sweet little aristocrat" and I become partially paralyzed with fear - I get a deep, dark sensation in my liver, which then moved on up to my heart (and I'm still feeling not quite up to snuff heart-wise right about now, I'll have to do something about this); she was obviously inviting me to come on over first by waving, smiling, sunshine-and-rainbowing, then saying hi in passing, but all I found myself able to do was to reciprocate what she was doing but unwilling to do anything else; and I had this thought going through my head "yeah, I'm fucking it all up again, I'm too scared again".
On the other hand, these thoughts were somehow originating from the "dark-feeling" areas, the rest of my body was feeling very fine and kinda content with what was going on. So, hopefully, that fear-reaction was more of a "WTF am I doing by not going over there, I'm going to lose her" reaction to what I was actually doing (which was pretty much a "that's nice, but gimme some more, girl" type of thing - *which I did to at least 4 or 5 other attractive females earlier on in the day*).
After I returned home, I literally bawled as if I were releasing stored, painful emotions, it was something to the extent "if in response to what I just did, she responds with -this and this type of manipulative behavior I've experienced on more than one occasion-, I don't think I'm going to be able to take it this time", and I was listening to this here joyful song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=453K_J_4gTI (warning, it's kinda heavy, but the lyrics, I believe, are exactly on point given what I've written earlier on in the journal). Even though I think I've let most of it out by now, I still physically feel as if I've just gone through an extremely stressful situation, and my heart still feels kinda wonky.
Well, crapitty. Here's hoping.
"A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him." - A. Crowley
