Re-engagement (AM7)

[NOMAD]

I take NAC before I go to bed so I haven't noticed a heavy headed feeling other than what I already experience when I'm tired. I do think it helps me to sleep more deeply, but i attribute that to lower inflammation and by extension, lower cortisol. I don't have any bloodwork to prove that, so take that theory with a grain of salt.

[GreekGod22]

NAC is also a fungal and bacterial biofilm disruptor, so it can release toxins and metabolic byproducts into the bloodstream that can greatly affect mood and cognition while they are processed. This lasts a couple of hours as the liver manages to process the toxins.
Might not be the case for you, but I’ve has this experience.

[Shannon]

Oh, that's good to know. That would make sense of a few things, Ben.

[Benjamin]

I take NAC before I go to bed so I haven't noticed a heavy headed feeling other than what I already experience when I'm tired. I do think it helps me to sleep more deeply, but i attribute that to lower inflammation and by extension, lower cortisol. I don't have any bloodwork to prove that, so take that theory with a grain of salt.

Hmm ok guess it's something specific to me. I don't remember if it happened when I took it years ago.

NAC is also a fungal and bacterial biofilm disruptor, so it can release toxins and metabolic byproducts into the bloodstream that can greatly affect mood and cognition while they are processed. This lasts a couple of hours as the liver manages to process the toxins.

Interesting, I didn't know that. It could explain part of it. I noticed last night (I think night 2 since stopping NAC) my thoughts slightly jumbled after going to bed, not as much as the nights on NAC though.

Oh, that's good to know. That would make sense of a few things, Ben.

Hmm it felt like more than that. Because it was only the slow thinking, and physically I felt better. Oh well i've stopped taking NAC anyway.

[Benjamin]

So since stopping NAC stage 0 has started to kick in again. 

It almost felt like it was going over some of the stuff that it worked on earlier in stage 0. So possibly maybe going deeper into it after the derailment or resistance, I initially thought "oh my progress was reset" but that wouldn't make sense, and still some things are maintaining like staying off the computer for longer after I get up.

Some dreams about my ex, the one girl who I have always said was the only girl i've been with who I really loved but in the end felt betrayed by some things, I won't go into detail.

I made an interesting distinction. I mentioned my friend rang on friday night to say he was going to something and I had this strong anxiety, well that was bad anxiety and it seemed to be from stage 0 being derailed.

Well yesterday I had a haircut in the afternoon, all morning I felt a bit anxious, like I really didn't want to go and I especially didn't want to go do other things I needed to get done down the street after, I even had thoughts of cancelling and I was imagining with how I felt that i'd go there and just be a social retard.

Well.

I walked in and there was no other customers, there's the owner who cuts my hair who i've known for years and talked to alot. Then there's 2 other girls who are sexy who work there, one i've talked to a bit as she joins in sometimes when i'm talking to the owner, the other one slightly but not much, she's more quiet and usually cutting someones hair. The last 2 times I chatted to her briefly.

I went in and the 2 other girls were sitting there and I said hi to them both and they both happily answered, then I went to the one i'm attracted to the most and joked since she was sitting down "Are you having a haircut today, i'll cut your hair" and talked to them both more than I ever have and both were responsive and continuing it, all 3 of us contributing.

The one i'd talked to a little more said something about "my partner" (as in her partner) and it stood out because I don't remember her saying something like that before. My first thought is that what I was projecting from stage 0 was making me more of a 'threat' to that possibly.

The time went quickly, I mostly talked to the girl cutting my hair as I usually do and it all flowed, though usually it does with her anyway.

Then I went to a shop to get some stuff, it sounds like i'm looking for girls with the next part but didn't go there for that. But I seen 2 sexy girls and decided to walk up and check them out. When I was behind them, at a bit of a distance one looked around and said something to her friend then they both looked around quite obviously.

I don't remember that happening to me too much in the past, but I know it means something. I then felt awkward and just turned the corner to goto the checkouts. Then on the self serve checkout I look up and they were coming in the entrance to where people line up and kind of stood in front of me, but then didn't go through the checkouts then situated themselves at the exit I had to leave through, I didn't notice any kind of response but it was weird, they stood on opposite sides facing each other.

Again I don't really know if it meant something, but it all stood out especially after the first thing.

Of course this post is focusing on the response from girls, and the good thing is my obsession with that has lessened alot which is good. But my main intent is to illustrate my distinction.

The first anxiety when the friend called was bad anxiety, the anxiety yesterday morning seemed to be more around "Something has shifted and i'm not used to it so i'm feeling anxious" and a good anxiety as when I went out I was confident and magnetic.

But the thing is I can't really notice the difference between each type of anxiety when it's happening, until I go out somewhere.

I got this strongly on primal masculinity when I was on that a few times. I felt massively anxious, one time so much I was outside the supermarket in my car and struggled to even get out and go inside. I made myself go inside and I was getting all these positive reactions and started feeling good.

[Benjamin]

I was thinking about this last night. One of my big forms of resistance is feeling like I don't want to go anywhere.

The other is wanting to play games and similar things, but i'll focus on the first as I had thoughts last night.

The first aspect is my desperation around girls and the obsession has lessened which reduces my desire to go out alot too, as a fair bit of my outings were hoping to see girls, saying that I wanted to meet them but every time the fear messing me up and leading to the other bs i've described.

But the other part I was thinking about last night. It seems that my not wanting to go out anywhere is the part of the resistance and a way to slow down or not see my results or what stage 0 is doing. Or to try to stop what it's doing, seeing that I notice things the most when I go out somewhere and am around people.

So in a big way my mind is trying to make me sabotage it and lessen the results by keeping me at home alot of the time, because of fear of what stage 0 is doing.

And i've been taking these feeling like I don't want to go anywhere and going with it, when sometimes atleast I should just go out anyway, even if I feel like I don't want to. Yesterday was an example of that, and i've had many more in the past of where fear was telling me I didn't want to go out, but I didn't notice it as fear, just feeling like I couldn't be bothered or didn't want to, then when I went out it was good.

I have to check what's on this weekend, next weekend is an art show opening which I was going to regularly a while ago and enjoying but haven't for ages.

Also the same night is the men's group i've been to twice. Looks like I haven't mentioned it past saying I was going to it.

It's good at the start, maybe 10-15 minutes of socializing, then we each share what's going on for us. One thing that lessened it is when I used to run one we also had time for others to give feedback which is now cut out which is weird to me and there's no element of challenging each other and such.

But after only 2 sessions i'm so fucking sick of almost all of them including my friend I mentioned going on about "being heart centered" and "you have to come from your heart".

That's not giving me the vibe that I want, nor the person I want to be. They never talk about strength, assertiveness, discipline and such.. it always starts with "oh you've got to come from your heart". Yes having the other side where you can be gentle and show love is important..but it seems these guys take it and use it as it has to be the base and foundation which it absolutely isn't unless you want to be weak and taken advantage of.

Each time i've countered it and disagreed like telling them that's how they get taken advantage of, what about standing up for themselves and then they've basically agreed as an afterthought, but it would have never come up if I wasn't there to say it. All gives me a bad taste and I don't think I can bear to sit there and listen to it a 3rd time, though the social part is good and the guys are cool past that.

I envison a mens group as something more constructive and challenging each other not just fucking sitting there talking about "oh this is what's going on for me" which is fine and also fine with friends if you have stuff going on, but as a specific focused gathering i've not found it useful and this is maybe the 3rd or 4th iteration of a men's group i've been to.

I've honestly got MUCH more masculine development from my martial arts training than any of these men's groups.

I originally went to it hoping to find a replacement for toastmasters and since there's not many other options around here. But it's not for me.

[Benjamin]

I was thinking about this last night. One of my big forms of resistance is feeling like I don't want to go anywhere.

The other is wanting to play games and similar things, but i'll focus on the first as I had thoughts last night.

The first aspect is my desperation around girls and the obsession has lessened which reduces my desire to go out alot too, as a fair bit of my outings were hoping to see girls, saying that I wanted to meet them but every time the fear messing me up and leading to the other bs i've described.

But the other part I was thinking about last night. It seems that my not wanting to go out anywhere is the part of the resistance and a way to slow down or not see my results or what stage 0 is doing. Or to try to stop what it's doing, seeing that I notice things the most when I go out somewhere and am around people.

So in a big way my mind is trying to make me sabotage it and lessen the results by keeping me at home alot of the time, because of fear of what stage 0 is doing.

And i've been taking these feeling like I don't want to go anywhere and going with it, when sometimes atleast I should just go out anyway, even if I feel like I don't want to. Yesterday was an example of that, and i've had many more in the past of where fear was telling me I didn't want to go out, but I didn't notice it as fear, just feeling like I couldn't be bothered or didn't want to, then when I went out it was good.

I have to check what's on this weekend, next weekend is an art show opening which I was going to regularly a while ago and enjoying but haven't for ages.

Also the same night is the men's group i've been to twice. Looks like I haven't mentioned it past saying I was going to it.

It's good at the start, maybe 10-15 minutes of socializing, then we each share what's going on for us. One thing that lessened it is when I used to run one we also had time for others to give feedback which is now cut out which is weird to me and there's no element of challenging each other and such.

But after only 2 sessions i'm so fucking sick of almost all of them including my friend I mentioned going on about "being heart centered" and "you have to come from your heart".

That's not giving me the vibe that I want, nor the man I want to be. They never talk about strength, assertiveness, discipline and such.. it always starts with "oh you've got to come from your heart". Yes having the other side where you can be gentle and show love is important..but it seems these guys take it and use it as it has to be the base and foundation which it absolutely isn't unless you want to be weak and taken advantage of.

Each time i've countered it and disagreed like telling them that's how they get taken advantage of, what about standing up for themselves and then they've basically agreed as an afterthought, but it would have never come up if I wasn't there to say it. All gives me a bad taste and I don't think I can bear to sit there and listen to it a 3rd time, though the social part is good and the guys are cool past that.

I envison a mens group as something more constructive and challenging each other not just fucking sitting there talking about "oh this is what's going on for me" which is fine and also fine with friends if you have stuff going on, but as a specific focused gathering i've not found it useful and this is maybe the 3rd or 4th iteration of a men's group i've been to.

Personally I would expect that a men's group is actually about.. wait for it as it's going to be a shock.. MASCULINITY. But no it seems most are not. 

I've honestly got MUCH more masculine development from my martial arts training than any of these men's groups.

I originally went to it hoping to find a replacement for public speaking and since there's not many other options around here. But it's not for me.

I mean atleast we aren't sitting around jerking each other off as my other friend joked "It sounds like it might be a circle jerk". 

[Tiagoferreira]

I was thinking about this last night. One of my big forms of resistance is feeling like I don't want to go anywhere.

The other is wanting to play games and similar things, but i'll focus on the first as I had thoughts last night.

The first aspect is my desperation around girls and the obsession has lessened which reduces my desire to go out alot too, as a fair bit of my outings were hoping to see girls, saying that I wanted to meet them but every time the fear messing me up and leading to the other bs i've described.

But the other part I was thinking about last night. It seems that my not wanting to go out anywhere is the part of the resistance and a way to slow down or not see my results or what stage 0 is doing. Or to try to stop what it's doing, seeing that I notice things the most when I go out somewhere and am around people.

So in a big way my mind is trying to make me sabotage it and lessen the results by keeping me at home alot of the time, because of fear of what stage 0 is doing.

And i've been taking these feeling like I don't want to go anywhere and going with it, when sometimes atleast I should just go out anyway, even if I feel like I don't want to. Yesterday was an example of that, and i've had many more in the past of where fear was telling me I didn't want to go out, but I didn't notice it as fear, just feeling like I couldn't be bothered or didn't want to, then when I went out it was good.

I have to check what's on this weekend, next weekend is an art show opening which I was going to regularly a while ago and enjoying but haven't for ages.

Also the same night is the men's group i've been to twice. Looks like I haven't mentioned it past saying I was going to it.

It's good at the start, maybe 10-15 minutes of socializing, then we each share what's going on for us. One thing that lessened it is when I used to run one we also had time for others to give feedback which is now cut out which is weird to me and there's no element of challenging each other and such.

But after only 2 sessions i'm so fucking sick of almost all of them including my friend I mentioned going on about "being heart centered" and "you have to come from your heart".

That's not giving me the vibe that I want, nor the man I want to be. They never talk about strength, assertiveness, discipline and such.. it always starts with "oh you've got to come from your heart". Yes having the other side where you can be gentle and show love is important..but it seems these guys take it and use it as it has to be the base and foundation which it absolutely isn't unless you want to be weak and taken advantage of.

Each time i've countered it and disagreed like telling them that's how they get taken advantage of, what about standing up for themselves and then they've basically agreed as an afterthought, but it would have never come up if I wasn't there to say it. All gives me a bad taste and I don't think I can bear to sit there and listen to it a 3rd time, though the social part is good and the guys are cool past that.

I envison a mens group as something more constructive and challenging each other not just fucking sitting there talking about "oh this is what's going on for me" which is fine and also fine with friends if you have stuff going on, but as a specific focused gathering i've not found it useful and this is maybe the 3rd or 4th iteration of a men's group i've been to.

Personally I would expect that a men's group is actually about.. wait for it as it's going to be a shock.. MASCULINITY. But no it seems most are not. 

I've honestly got MUCH more masculine development from my martial arts training than any of these men's groups.

I originally went to it hoping to find a replacement for public speaking and since there's not many other options around here. But it's not for me.

I mean atleast we aren't sitting around jerking each other off as my other friend joked "It sounds like it might be a circle jerk". 

Maybe a good time to start your own masculinity group?

[Benjamin]

I have around 17 days left of stage 0.

It pisses me off how I feel when I notice a good change even one that's been there for a while my mind tries to find a way to fuck it up. Last night I wrote how I had reduced social media alot (I mentioned I deleted x) and I only really look at facebook a little. Well after that my mind started trying to bring it back, and today i've been wanting to look on facebook more at random shit. Not as much as before, but more than recently.

I may have mentioned on previous programs that some nights I knew some trauma wanted to come out of my body, and using what I learnt from somatic trauma work I would lay on top of my bed and allow it to come out. Also sometimes there would be soreness around my inner left thigh and i'd massage it with a massage stick and make weird sounds, almost like crying but without tears then start shaking stuff out kind of like TRE. The inner part of the thigh is surprisingly sore massaging it, I suspect it might be connected to the psoas muscle which is meant to hold trauma.

That's happened less on stage 0, but 2 nights ago it happened and then for the first time I felt like massaging the right inner thigh and it come strongly. Strong feeilngs, the weird sounds and shaking it out and it kicked in all this stuff into my mind that I don't know if it was sabotage or legitimately letting stuff in from stage 0, like whatever my resistance is connected to was loosened by doing this. My mind started repeating stuff like "I let go of my resistance to being masculine" and such reflexively. Similar around fear of engaging with the world.

I let myself shake a bit and eventually got into bed properly.

Well the day after (yesterday) I felt like going out somewhere which I haven't much recently. I went to a town near me. I felt really awkward and timid the whole time. Like whatever was stirred up was processing.

I ended up annoyed at myself as I usually do when i'm feeling like this, like "what the fuck" because I was feeling timid, weak and like a pussy.

Today I don't know, the looking at facebook a bit more, annoyed that I don't know if something else I started doing yesterday might be conflicting with stage 0 where again it makes no sense, even less sense than it did with NAC. Also funnily enough 2 nights ago when the process was happening in my head the thought come to mind to do this thing to help my physical healing, felt like I was guided to it.

So either it's the self-sabotage leading me to it to try to derail things purposely again, or it's that I was genuinely lead to this then the resistance/sabotage/whatever tries to make me think this thing is conflicting so I stop it. Because I could see even after the first time it had an effect physically.

I will observe a bit more and see, as it could just be the stuff that was stirred up still and i'm blaming it on the wrong thing.

Also along with it come some neediness around girls again, looking at girls that aren't that attractive and thinking I could be with them and such.

But also suddenly more desire to go and do things. So I hope that instead of something conflicting it's that I genuinely broke through something and it's still processing and adjusting.

Generally on my computer I would always listen to chillout music, i've stopped doing that during stage 0 and generally wouldn't listen to anything. Tonight I had the urge to listen to some old music I used to be into, well I still am but haven't listened to it for a while.

[Benjamin]

My desire to go out has come back at the moment, went out with a friend to dinner, then played some arcade games and went to an art show opening.

I don't know what's going on, if i'm still processing from the night I mentioned or if it was actually some sabotage, the thoughts that come up sound like they're working on something good, but the reason I thought it may be sabotage is they come up in the same way that it does.

I felt a little awkward, but also in some ways natural but didn't feel like I was feeling masculine in the background as i've felt for alot of stage 0. Some thinking about girls coming back more which had lessened, tonight when I walked into the restaurant a girl was sitting there eating, I figured she worked there. I went to the toilet and fully intended to talk to her, she was then serving and I chatted to her about an arcade game that was there. Then later on after playing it my friend talked to a girl standing there I think he knew and I talked to the girl behind the counter, for some reason I thought it was the same girl and that I was kind of continuing the conversation and only realized after, but she was responsive too anyway.

And talked to a guy working in the supernarket briefly when we went through.

At the art gallery I felt weird and awkward. In the past it's an environment I feel more comfortable and naturally social in, tonight I didn't really talk to anyone other than a woman with a camera where I joked that I like her tactic of taking photos to print out cos it's cheaper than buying the paintings. But generally felt uncomfortable and awkward and like I had no real groundedness.

Actually now that I think about it, I had this strange feeling of "I don't really like this crowd" at the art gallery. Where when I was going regularly, which I haven't for a while and quite some time before starting stage 0 I seen the crowd there as fairly friendly and welcoming, though some of them do tend to be on the opposite side of things to me and not who i'd generally interact with. Tonight I just didn't want to even talk to them.

Then the other sign that things may have been sabotaged or derailed is that I may have mentioned 2 girls who we would just randomly message but that's about it. Neither i'm interested in romantically, one has been a friend for years but the last few years it's mainly been random messages and not seen her in person, the other was a friend of a girl I used to sleep with and we started messaging around covid about some of that stuff and now about some of the bs going on in the world.

But I realized for both after exploring some of my relationships that it's not beneficial. Just these random messages when I felt down or wanted attention basically, and random messages from them but I don't see them in person, realized it's a waste of time and not useful to me.

So I had no desire to talk to either and didn't get much from them. 2 days ago one messaged me and I ended up replying where before she had sent one or two and I purposely didn't reply, and then I seen the other (the friend) earlier when she pulled up to me and yelled out and I had a brief joke with her and her son before the lights changed. Then she messaged me. But suddenly I want to talk to both of them again, and the same with my 'new age masculinity' friend.

But then also my desire to look at social media today is less and some other areas seem to be improving.

So I don't fucking know. I still wonder if this new healing thing is conflicting somehow, I hope not because I can see it is helping physically. It still makes no sense how it could conflict, but I do know that i'm not feeling the background feeling of feeling masculine like before.

Of course it could also be my overanalzying mind where any time any thing seems to lessen a little my mind is looking for all these reasons, and that it's just processing something right now so things seem a bit all over the place. I think I just have to persist and see over say 1-2 or more weeks if things do kick back in and i'm just reflexively blaming it on this other thing because I started doing it around the same time. Because I can't see any reason why it should conflict or derail it.

At this point i'm looking forward to starting stage 1.

[Benjamin]

Still feeling fairly weak and timid in myself when going out. It's like there's these opportunities to reach out or connect and I just blank it and want to turn away and feel unable to. Not feeling confident or grounded at all. This has to be the most i've felt like this during stage 0, I almost feel like i'm back to how I was before stage 0.

It's ironic that when I couldn't be fucked going anywhere that the times I went somewhere even to the supermarket I felt strong, grounded and magnetic when talking to people. And now I feel like going places a little bit more and I feel the opposite to that.

I decided to keep doing the thing I feel is conflicting for a bit longer to see if i'm just going through resistance. Last night I had a thought that it's possible that my mind is taking this thing currently and blaming it for derailing and conflicting with stage 0, because that distracts me and makes me look away from what's going on internally, because i'm blaming the other thing.

I thought that I need to let myself feel this anger and frustration at the derailment.

When I went to bed I felt like it was wanting to come out, so I laid on my bed and started letting it shake out. Quickly anger come and I was loudly exclaiming stuff like "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU FOR DERAILING ME, FUCK YOU FOR DERAILING MY LIFE, FUCK YOU FOR DESTROYING EVERYTHING" and similar stuff. It sounds weird I know, but this come out reflexively and it's similar to when I did somatic trauma work, I just allow what wants to come out to do so.

It was combined with alot of shaking of my hips and legs, combined with the anger and loud statements coming out. Eventually it stopped and I relaxed.

This seems to be a thing that happens after something has built up enough, but what's interesting is I don't think that if I took the idea of just letting myself feel it earlier that it would be the same. It seems that it has to be when it builds up and I just know it's ready to come out.

This whole thought of not wanting to look at what's going on internally causing the derailment so this part of me is blaming the external thing i've just started makes alot of sense, and it's also combined with overanalyzation like in my previous posts.

But I won't know unless I keep going and see. The NAC thing seemed to actually cause an issue, this other thing still doesn't make sense to me still how it might conflict. Actually I also asked for guidance a few nights ago and when I asked for NAC it strongly repeated not to do it when I woke up from a dream, well this time I woke up from a dream and repeating in my head was to continue doing this other thing.

[Benjamin]

Ok i'm about at the point of stopping this other thing, it's been 11 days of using the iteracare wand which is basically a frequency healing type device and still little sense of confidence, no feeling masculine or grounded and such and feeling more timid still since starting it like it's definately conflicting. I don't know why, but tonight after going out with my friend and still feeling like that i'm at the point i'm going to stop it even though it's giving promising physical results with one of my annoying physical symptoms.

The confusing part is my interest in working out and training is increasing while the confidence and projection of masculinity seems derailed.

So exploring it a bit it might be that it's working energetically or on blockages, and opening meridian points and such may have something to do with it conflicting, but I don't really know. I just know that 11 days is enough for me to see it's likely not just what I thought of the self-sabotage trying to blame it to stop me looking at what's going on internally, as I did do that and let myself feel it as I wrote a few posts ago.

Of course what's fucking annoying is it really seemed to be something stage 0 guided me to. I had a dream one night, woke up thinking "I need to add something else to help physically" and explored options and that one felt like the best one out of the devices I have. But I guess it wasn't guidance as it did conflict and derail stage 0. When I stopped NAC stuff come back from stage 0 within a few days, so stopping the iteracare wand now hopefully it starts to come back, if it does it confirms that it was conflicting, but I swear even though it doesn't make sense that i'm not making it up.

This way my mind is using to self-sabotage is sophisticated. Because legitimately both times with NAC and with this I had a dream then woke up with this seeming guidance, both times it conflicted.

But then i've had stuff come up like inspirations for my training and working out which is improving it and that is legit. But I can't really identify the difference between the 'guidance' and what seems to be but isn't when it comes up, only the effect it has after.

Anyway, I went out to some shops earlier and felt a little anxious. But then felt kind of comfortable but strangely awkward. Then it kind of went to feeling like I was repulsive or strangely intimidating to others. Like going into a clothes shop usually the women working there say hi, but not at all today like I was projecting a "don't talk to me" vibe.

Tonight my friend asked if I wanted to got an art thing. Went there and it was shit, like a very little room with like 5 shit artworks, so we left after like 5 minutes and I went with him when he was driving around doing stuff and chatted for a few hours.

So now my 2 nights off, then 1 more cycle of 4 days on, 2 nights off then the next day goto stage 1. It's taken me a few times trying to figure that out, 4 months is 120 days which ends up at the 15th to move onto stage 1 I believe. Hopefully that's correct.