Re-engagement (AM7)

[ReconGunner]

He makes the classic mistake of presuming that just because XYZ has been his experience, it is true for all males/men.  And likewise, that just because he can do/handle/accomplish ABC, that all males/men can. 

On that, I respectfully disagree.  Not everyone has the same perspective, history, awareness, beliefs, upbringing, strengths, weaknesses, conclusions and proclivities.  AAMTS is aimed at those guys who do not fit the standard "alpha" mold, or who want to add depth to their Classic Alpha.

I've quoted this because it is a life lesson that extends far beyond the Brothers Tate. It is both a common error committed by those who are otherwise trying to be helpful, and an intentional cover used by those who... aren't. Opening perception to those who do not fit a certain mold and finding ways to help a wider variety of folks is rare. Finding someone who has done this so that they can help that larger group is a gift.

Thanks for being that kind of person, Shannon. We all need it.

[Benjamin]

First night of listening.

Before going to bed with what I reported I was sitting there focusing on my breathing, I was thinking "I don't want to do this, I don't want to face these things".

I went to bed, it was about 30 minutes until AM7 started as I put a silent track first in my playlist as looking at my phone before bed tends to keep me awake. But I wanted to know when I was listening for the first night atleast so that I could lay there and observe.

I put it on and laid down. I can't remember most of my thoughts, the main thing I remember is suddenly the thought repeating "I want to fucking die" over and over.

Then that stopped and I wanted to lay on my side and curl up a little. I started to feel sadness, and like I wanted to cry. I wouldn't say I really cried but I kind of did for maybe a few seconds then some part of me was uncomfortable with that and stopped.

At some point during all this the pain in my stomach passed.

My dreams were affected. I can't remember most of them but I know several of them were about girls.

This morning I feel more tired than usual, though I didn't sleep well alot of the night either and I feel a heaviness around my eyes.

[ncbeareatingman]

First night of listening.

Before going to bed with what I reported I was sitting there focusing on my breathing, I was thinking "I don't want to do this, I don't want to face these things".

I went to bed, it was about 30 minutes until AM7 started as I put a silent track first in my playlist as looking at my phone before bed tends to keep me awake. But I wanted to know when I was listening for the first night atleast so that I could lay there and observe.

I put it on and laid down. I can't remember most of my thoughts, the main thing I remember is suddenly the thought repeating "I want to fucking die" over and over.

Then that stopped and I wanted to lay on my side and curl up a little. I started to feel sadness, and like I wanted to cry. I wouldn't say I really cried but I kind of did for maybe a few seconds then some part of me was uncomfortable with that and stopped.

At some point during all this the pain in my stomach passed.

My dreams were affected. I can't remember most of them but I know several of them were about girls.




 Wow powerful journey Man. I start  the first level first part of May. I KNOW its gonna be DEEP, Intense, powerful and healing ! Whew. Man oh man. more power to ya  Ben!

This morning I feel more tired than usual, though I didn't sleep well alot of the night either and I feel a heaviness around my eyes.

    
   Wow powerful journey Man. I start  the first level first part of May. I KNOW its gonna be DEEP, Intense, powerful and healing ! Whew. Man oh man. more power to ya  Ben!

[Benjamin]

Wow powerful journey Man. I start  the first level first part of May. I KNOW its gonna be DEEP, Intense, powerful and healing ! Whew. Man oh man. more power to ya  Ben!

Thanks Keith, it was definately interesting.

[Benjamin]

Though I was feeling tired something opened up a bit.

I had little urge to go on the computer this morning like I do alot of saturday mornings if there's nothing on. I wanted to go out somewhere, alot of the time I go out and get annoyed there's not much on but I decided to try something I wouldn't usually goto.

There was a kind of garage sale thing at a church so I went to have a look, I talked to an old woman and man who were helping run it and to 2 old ladies at another part who were also.

After that I decided to go find other stuff since I had already driven to the next town for this. This is where my pattern was interrupted in a positive way. I decided to walk along the shops that I wouldn't even look at, I parked and walked. There was 2 girls sitting out the front of a cafe and a swan at their table annoying them, I joked "did you bring your pet along?" one laughed the other looked annoyed.

I went into a newsagents to have a look, the woman was relatively attractive. I didn't even realize I was looking for a card for my friends birthday soon until I found one with cartoon dicks all over it, perfect.  

I took it up there without worry and joked that I didn't even know I was looking for a card for my friends birthday until I found it. I chatted to her briefly, asked if swans come into the shop and told her about the girl and the swans, she was fairly receptive.

Then I went into an opshop (I think you guys call it a thrift shop) and seen a girl who used to work for a job agency I went to and who a couple of new years eves ago was hanging out with my friend and I hung out with them too, that night she seemed keen and was disappointed when I went home as I was tired.

I'm not hugely attracted to her, but I started talking to her and was flirting fairly automatically which I don't do as much now. She said she moved back here and brought a house, I asked if it was a 20 bedroom mansion with a pool, talked a little more and I joked I needed a sugar mumma and that she has a mansion.

Well she just goes "I'm not in the market" then "Oh I have to go" then quickly left.

Yes it's a little thing, but now these things i'm much too sensitive to unlike years ago where i'd be able to deal with it. I started to shut down, feel like I didn't want to do anything anymore, everything seemed boring and shit instead of before when I was going to different shops and actually engaged in it. There was these 2 other girls there who I really was attracted to but I felt unable to do anything. 

And now I just got home and the urge for porn is coming up, the coping mechanism for any frustration or little perceived rejection from girls for years. I don't know how to deal with this in any other way really now.

I did goto a couple of other shops back in my town, I talked to a cute girl serving me in the first one and joked around a bit, she was also receptive.

I noticed that before I was feeling tired and drained but something felt different, well after that and when I shut down a bit it was like I come out of that and felt more 'normal' again like it wore off.

Of course it's only day 1, so that is good progress. I don't tend to talk to as many random people anymore like I used to so I like that opening up a little.

[Benjamin]

It's interesting that before and the first few days I wanted to make longer posts. Now I don't have much desire to but i'll report something.

On the weekend I went to a few things and talked to more people than usual. Occasionally now I get into that mood, but it's not consistent like I used to be a few years ago. I hope it becomes more consistent with AM7.

Yesterday I was inspired to do something I kept thinking about on and off but never really did. Just did a little bit of it but that's good. Then after that I did something else that i've really been putting off for like 6 months but probably much longer due to fear. And so far i've got more response to it than in the past so i'm glad I did it.

For the last few days i've had urges for porn coming up most days, sometimes a bit stronger. But I haven't given into it. It's like the same amount of wanting to look at it has been there a few times but there's something stopping me acting on it which is good.

Last night was the first off night, and today I feel like shit. Fairly tired, I can't concentrate or focus on much, everything seems kind of boring to me, wasting time on social media and other nonsense.

I think what started it is a familiar pattern. I'll do something that helps me to lessen social media usage and lessen the urge to look at drama type bullshit or fear based bullshit but then i'll get drawn in by the old pattern and my mood will go downhill. I read a thread this morning and my head felt tight and constricted and my mood went down. Since then i've been feeling how I mentioned for most of the day. I'm feeling some sadness too.

The urge for porn coming up again today, it feels like whatever was stopping me isn't quite as strong but i'm still able to say no to the old coping mechanism for the moment. I fear that one more night off tonight i'll feel worse again tomorrow so I look forward to my nights on again.

It feels like I was establishing something good from stage 0 then the nights off is allowing the old programming that was being shaken up to come up a bit again.

[Benjamin]

I get why there's not too many regular posts for AM7.

Before starting and at first I was writing those long posts, now I have almost no desire to do so. I'll mention a few recent things.

So last friday at a dinner for my friends birthday I was the most natural and social i've been in a long time. I got happy reactions from 2 waitresses I talked to briefly and went and talked to different people on the table.

Then the snapback or tidal effect as Shannon calls it has come up strongly.

I went on a date sunday, when stage 0 is kicking in and executing I would pretty much automatically be pushed to take an action with a girl who's number I got. I got her number maybe 5 weeks ago, didn't message her due to insecurity. When I started stage 0 I felt more secure and invited her somewhere 2 fridays ago, she was away but then last tuesday she messaged me and said she has some time this afternoon as her auntie is babysitting and wanted to meet for coffee.

It went well and I felt a spark. I was unsure after that because of her having a young kid, I really don't want that but am attracted to her and we get along well. What i've noticed is when resistance or insecurities are coming up I then regret the action I took such asking her out, but when it's executing it pushes me to do so.

Well on friday I messaged her to invite her to a medieval market thing, and suggested we goto an opshop (thrift shop) and get random clothes to dress up and she loved the idea. Then it come "of course my kid will be with me". I didn't want her kid there, I was hoping she would get a babysitter. But I still agreed and I realized now that it's because she's been the only option for quite a while and I didn't want to lose her by saying no to that.

The next day and especially sunday morning before going to meet her I was very strongly like "what the fuck am I doing, I don't want to inherit a kid" and I was seriously hoping she would cancel. I realized that is because of all the feelings and fear that was coming up. I decided i'd just accept what was coming up including feelings of not being good enough for her and still go.

We got along well, I mostly took the lead but I could have done it in a stronger way.

But exploring all of the day later I realized she was strongly trying to find a 'daddy' for her kid. Like gave me her kid to hold at her place before we left, then later on at the market when she went to the toilet. 

But then she was being weird when I said flirty or suggestive stuff (whereas on tuesday at coffee she was good with it and played along) and I put my hand on her leg when we were sitting and having lunch, she seemed okay with it briefly then moved to do something with her kid and stayed not as close. Later on I tried to grab her hand and she moved away.

I started to shut down after that, and I should have just left when we got back to her place but I went in just hoping i'd have an opportunity to do something. I had a tea and she drank coffee and she sat on the floor with her kid instead of next to me on the couch.

I eventually thought "fuck this, it's going nowhere" and left and she even kept me talking more at the door.

The confusion on the other side with that weird behaviour when I tried to make a move, was several times i'd mention something fun and she would ask if we could do that together, I showed her a photo of my dog and she said "can I meet your dog" and she also asked again later on.

Anyway, I was shutdown and drained emotionally buti've explored it the last few days and realize I really don't want to inherit a kid as the kid is always there. Even if I sleep with this woman, and for now i'm putting up with the kid being there all the time and coming out on our dates and I don't 'hate' kids, she is cool.. but it wouldn't take long for me to get annoyed at it, not having any time with the woman and all the bullshit of giving the kid to me all the time and anything else involved with that. As it's really not what i'm looking for.

As I said it was really that she's been the only option for a long time.

I watched several videos about dating single mums yesterday and it confirmed it's not a good idea. Seriously the whole time I had bad feelings about it, especially the day before and morning of going to see her.. but I was forsaking myself because of insecurity and neediness.

But in the end I feel that stage 0 helped guide me to this situation, by asking her out and such where I wasn't before so that it could bring up all of this to work through.

So all good. My plan is to just not take it anywhere, not message her again and if she somehow messages to want to do something tell her i'm busy, the other option was to state that I felt overwhelmed with her kid there so could hangout if she gets a babysitter. But that doesn't get rid of the issue except for that 1 meeting.

Anyway, off that subject.

The last few days i've felt very drained. Yesterday instead of working out I just stretched. I occasionally have done this on some of my on weeks for workouts, but mainly when i've gone on a porn binge..which I haven't, so something else drained me, possibly all the stuff brought up with that woman.

Then today even more drained. 

This is interesting. In the morning I looked at the time and my phone, then I realized I was still tired so tried to sleep more. After a while it was around the time i'd usually get up and I thought "I want to stay in bed longer" and I realized my main issue with that and the thing that usually would stop me was "what would other people think, they would think i'm a loser if I sleep longer, especially if it's a few hours longer".

Interesting. I slept maybe an hour longer than I usually would after I realized that was why and I thought "no fuck it, I can tell I need this extra sleep".

Then the other funny thing, I really didn't feel like having a shower. The reasoning why that felt wrong was the same "what would other people think, what if I smell" and such. I didn't have a shower straight away, I did after a while when I got angry at something then I thought i'd feel better in general if I had a shower.

Then the other thing, I tend to mainly go other places on the weekend but am at home through the week other than going down the street locally. I used to a few years ago goto other towns to the opshops (thrift shops) but haven't for a long time.

Well I didn't feel like sitting on the computer so after breakfast and everything I went to a town 30 minutes away to the shops there for a few hours and it was pretty good.

I was very drained by the time I got home. Something about stage 0 is really draining my energy, but it's hard to tell sometimes is it the issues I already have at times with low energy or not.

But I can say in general i've been more tired since starting stage 0.

[Frosted]

Finally got around to reading some of the recent journal postings. I'm also feeling lack of motivation to post. And lack of motivation in general.

[Benjamin]

I went out earlier with no place in mind, and started to get frustrated there was nowhere good to go and no events on.

I drove around randomly pretty much for hours, got more frustrated and annoyed. Generally this tends to trigger me wanting to go on a porn binge.

I noticed something new, the frustration increased, I was starting to feel and think in a bit of a destructive way, like I just wanted to take some risks and am sick of this bullshit of being limited.

The urge for porn was coming up, but then another urge to just go somewhere hours away. Like randomly right then drive like 2-3 hours away and stay somewhere even if I don't have a change of clothes or anything, just for an adventure. I've seen everything around here and it just doesn't inspire me anymore.

I was almost considering it, I had the thought that it's interesting this energy/frustration coming up either can lead me to porn or on a crazy adventure (well crazy for me as I don't tend to do things like this anymore). I had a thought that maybe that was there in the background but covered up by fear, and there might be a bit less fear so it's coming up.

I ended up going home eventually, and actually on the way driving home I felt this heaviness and depression hit me, kind of like "oh the same old fucking shit, i'm sick of this place".

Sadly in the end I went the porn route, it's a long term pattern. I lasted longer than usual this time between but the frustration got to me. After it I regretted it as usual, thinking "if I just left it a few more days, or even tomorrow, I could have driven to a place a few hours away that I haven't seen for years". But it's likely now i'll feel drained and unmotivated and like doing nothing at all tomorrow, which tends to happen after porn.

Fuck it. It could have went either way, sadly I went with the more 'practiced' pattern. But it's interesting, all this time, probably years of this pattern happening there was the new option.

So I hope it becomes increasingly common so that I do start to take the new options.

The other difference was that I randomly drove around for so long, whereas usually i'd go home earlier. First it was in frustration and annoyance, then it was considering if I should just randomly drive hours away and eventually giving up and driving home.

[Shannon]

I went out earlier with no place in mind, and started to get frustrated there was nowhere good to go and no events on.

I drove around randomly pretty much for hours, got more frustrated and annoyed. Generally this tends to trigger me wanting to go on a porn binge.

I noticed something new, the frustration increased, I was starting to feel and think in a bit of a destructive way, like I just wanted to take some risks and am sick of this bullshit of being limited.

The urge for porn was coming up, but then another urge to just go somewhere hours away. Like randomly right then drive like 2-3 hours away and stay somewhere even if I don't have a change of clothes or anything, just for an adventure. I've seen everything around here and it just doesn't inspire me anymore.

I was almost considering it, I had the thought that it's interesting this energy/frustration coming up either can lead me to porn or on a crazy adventure (well crazy for me as I don't tend to do things like this anymore). I had a thought that maybe that was there in the background but covered up by fear, and there might be a bit less fear so it's coming up.

I ended up going home eventually, and actually on the way driving home I felt this heaviness and depression hit me, kind of like "oh the same old fucking shit, i'm sick of this place".

Sadly in the end I went the porn route, it's a long term pattern. I lasted longer than usual this time between but the frustration got to me. After it I regretted it as usual, thinking "if I just left it a few more days, or even tomorrow, I could have driven to a place a few hours away that I haven't seen for years". But it's likely now i'll feel drained and unmotivated and like doing nothing at all tomorrow, which tends to happen after porn.

Fuck it. It could have went either way, sadly I went with the more 'practiced' pattern. But it's interesting, all this time, probably years of this pattern happening there was the new option.

So I hope it becomes increasingly common so that I do start to take the new options.

The other difference was that I randomly drove around for so long, whereas usually i'd go home earlier. First it was in frustration and annoyance, then it was considering if I should just randomly drive hours away and eventually giving up and driving home.

What a load of pathetic excuses and bullshit.  Nothing is stopping you from packing some clothes, getting in your damned car and going on an adventure RIGHT NOW.

[Benjamin]

When I first read that reply I was annoyed initially, but it helped jolt me out of it a bit and I didn't want to reply then as the reply would just be rationalizations.

I ended up going somewhere this weekend, i'll make a seperate post for that. It seems like the frustration of wanting to do so and not doing it last weekend was a needed part of it because that got me to think "fuck it" and do it.

[Benjamin]

Earlier in the week I had a dream and woke up thinking of a place to go that I haven't been to, which is around 4 hours away. I haven't done a trip that far for a few years, and only then for a martial arts seminar, not for just a trip like this.

It's out of my comfort zone with being fairly isolated for a few years, issues with the fatigue and such which add to the fear. I planned it for the off days of stage 0 which worked with the rest of my week as it was friday and saturday. I was putting it off thinking "i'll book tomorrow" for a few days. Then watching a video inspired me to just do it and I booked a room for each night, one in a place i've been but like 20 years ago, the other placeI haven't been. I left in the morning friday.

There was a fair bit of a rollercoaster going on, I have to go back to I think the day before to describe how that started. So there's been this thing where i'll be going good on a subliminal and then suddenly something will come up that seems to trigger an issue and makes almost everything i'm noticing disappear. Then I focus on that issue, get more and more pissed off and blame it.. even if it makes absolutely zero sense with such a little thing that can cause it, like some little inconsiquential action where it feels like my results then disappear.

One thing is I was thinking about it, with other methods or audios i've tried I don't think it happened as strongly as it has on these subliminals. My thought is they are going deeper so it triggers it more strongly.

Well this happened maybe the day before, I got angry, depressed, annoyed at this shit happening again. Suddenly wanting to stay home and do nothing. I had booked the trip and I was going, I told myself "I'm still going, i've made the decision to, even if this shit tries to come up to stop me". Also I was getting really angry at little things and just wanting to swear and yell, this tends to be a pattern when this form of sabotage is triggered too. Fuck, as i'm trying to write this i've noticed suddenly my head feels a little jumbled and it's harder to think which I assume is connected.

Anyway, the drive down was boring with the surroundings. But when I got closer to the towns before where I was going I stopped a few times. I'd see something that looked cool and be like "that looks cool" and go and have a look. One of them was a museum which I spent some time in, one was a cool looking shop, another was a brewery and some other shops but just the buildings were cool so I explored it.

I got where I was going, checked into my room and then went down the street there. Walked around seeing if there was any interesting shops. I was feeling not very social, like not really feeling like talking to anybody the whole weeked, and this seemed to also reflect in not many people saying much to me even in shops. I also wonder if it's some kind of intimidation effect, if i'm projecting something from stage 0 that i'm not aware of. As the pattern was the people who did talk to me it ended up being more of a conversation.

In one clothes shop an asian woman we talked for 5-10 minutes, she was telling me about places around here, her husbands collecting and other stuff. 

I walked around more and this is where the rollercoaster started. I will write some of it to show that it's the same old pattern and how deep it goes and how it sent me on a rollercoaster of emotions.

I didn't go on the trip focusing on girls but this triggered it. I was walking along, heard laughing in the distance behind me and looked and there was 3 girls walking behind me. There was a jetty coming up with signs about cruises that I was going to look at, and I thought "if they follow, it means something" and they did. I got this strong feeling and was like "fuck man, they followed".

I read some signs and turned around and was going to say something but didn't, I noticed one split off from the group and went over to look at the same signs which seemed like something too. I just walked off like a fucking pussy.

I started to majorly shut down and get tired after that. It wasn't physical, this is a long term pattern that I notice. I give into the fear and do nothing, run away (metaphorically, I don't literally start running away) and then get pissed off at myself and shut down.

Actually the other thing that was going on, when stage 0 was kicking in a few days before the weird sabotage come up I was enthusiastic for the trip. Well after the sabotage thing come up everything seemed boring and not interesting, this seemed to increase after the thing with the girls.

There was an emotional rollercoaster after that with tons of things coming up around it, when I went back to my room I tried to explore it in writing and it seemed to help a little but it all come up strongly again the next day.

The next day explored an aquarium and then went to the next town i'd booked a room in and explored a few places there. The pattern got stronger, I was pissed off, depressed and down on myself like "i'm 4 hours away and still i'm too much of a fucking pussy to take an action that I want because of fear" around the same thing.

Sadly this town was pretty boring and it didn't take long before i'd seen what was available. The best place I went to was an old building being renovated and this old guy gave me a tour and told me it's history, and he wouldn't stop talking. This goes along with that less people were talking to me, like they might have been intimidated but the ones that did the interaction was more. I was also not talking to many people, but some I did.

After that I tried to find a few more places and some were closed, and not much else. So I was basically trying to waste time until I could go and have dinner somewhere. I was in my room for a while seriously not even wanting to go out again, feeling depressed, pissed off. I explored it again in writing and it got stronger. I was thinking I would have had more fun just staying home,"what the fuck am I doing" and such.

I went and had dinner and I went to bed at like 7:30pm and got up around 7am.

In bed at some stage I had the thought "I've gone this much out of my comfort zone, i'm on this trip 4 hours away which I wouldn't even have done a few years ago.. so it's okay that this other stuff is overwhelming as i'm already out of my comfort zone just being here". And I thought "I need to forgive myself" and a few other things.

I felt something relax after that. This morning I felt better, more cheerful, more talkative when I got served. I ended up leaving earlier to drive back than I though I would. I planned to leave in the morning after I checked out of the room, but ended up checking out earlier.

Actually I forgot something, this was another emotional rollercoaster. So my public speaking club was on the night before I left, i'm always consistent, put in effort for my (volunteer) role and each time creating and sending the agenda. This woman come back who has been in the organization for 20 years and thinks she's really good and everyone kisses her ass, I don't think that much of her. I knew she would piss me off again, I left the previous time I was a member due to her changing things and making it shit. She's one of these women who acts domineering and I fucking hate it, but everyone else kisses her ass. I also get the impression she's like that and disrespectful to her husband.

She was being a bitch one night "I thought we agreed to change this thing on the agenda" when there was no agreement. I told her "No there should be the choice of what the role is" and she kept trying to push it and was getting pissed off. I asked others and some agreed, generally i'm the only one to speak up on stuff.

So these new roles which switch over at this time of year, I put myself down for the same one and didn't goto the meeting (I told them I was going on a trip). She had clearly said she won't take on a role so in my mind it was set.

Well reading the emails about the meeting, she took over my role. Like she sneakily knew I wasn't going to be there and took it over so i'm not on the committee anymore and so it's harder for me to disagree with the bullshit she's pushing. Combined with that is the current president changing the agenda to what she said, like he's catering to her dictating this shit that will make the meeting too boring like in the past.

I messaged my friend who goes there, sadly he agrees with alot of things I say and even my beliefs in 'controversial' things but never speaks up. I had a bit of a rant about it, not at him and then he didn't fucking answer. So I then had tons of emotional upheaval about that, like I seriously was there when his grandma was dying, took the trip with him to see her the last time and other things.. but i'm pissed off at some thing and he can't answer.

It went into all kinds of things like "I can't fucking trust anyone, I put in all this effort and get fucked over and disrespected" which is how I feel about the public speaking club and the committee especially, and other things. Like "I've done all this shit for the club, and for certain people like my friend" and was thinking about similar things in the past with other people.

So I thought when that sabotage come up it got rid of all my results from stage 0, but it seems it in this case, unlike with previous generations/earlier subliminals that it kicked off this strong processing, mainly around anger, rage, being treated unfairly.

I was very close to basically burning all bridges and sending out an email with all of how I was feeling. Also thoughts of leaving the whole club alltogether as i'm sick of some of the bs. But there's not many other things around here to join.

I didn't, and I calmed down over the night, was thinking in bed and refined it to instead calling the president to talk to him about changing the thing on the agenda, and talking to this woman at the next meeting about taking over my role when she clearly said she didn't want any role.

And even talking to my friend about how I was annoyed he didn't reply. My fear makes me want to just bottle it all up and not do any of these things, but I have to do it even if it's uncomfortable. Just sending a 'blast out' email to them all isn't going to achieve much.

It's almost like stage 0 lead me to do this trip I did, aswell as this stuff at the public speaking club to bring up all these emotions to work on. Kind of like with the date I mentioned in a previous post.

Actually now that i'm home i'm grateful that I went. If I just stayed home it wouldn't have brought all this stuff up.

Anyway, i'm hoping I can use the 6.5g version of stage 0 soon.

[Shannon]

Good that you went. I am pleased to see that progress.

But you keep making the same mistake over and over.

While you are running AAMTS, STOP WORRYING ABOUT FUCKING WOMEN@! In both senses of the word!

This program is about YOU. Growing YOU. Developing YOU. Becoming your fullest YOU. The women come later. You went on that trip and sabotaged it because you were focused on your insecurities around women, when you should have been ignoring women and just exploring and finding ways to enjoy yourself and have fun.

When you can, I want you to go on another trip, somewhere else, and this time, IGNORE THE GODDAMNED WOMEN! I suggest you go discover some place where you can take advantage of the amazing natural gold panning opportunities you have in your country. Go explore a big city, maybe. Go explore the opal fields. There's a lot you can do in Australia, man. Put women aside for a while and go discover the world! Trust me, when you're done developing yourself, and getting past the sticking points, the women will show up without you even having to try.

And yes, I know I irritate and piss you off sometimes saying these things, but these are things you need to hear. I wish I'd had someone around to tell me this sort of thing when I was stuck.

I will have Stage 0 in 6.5G ready to upload soon.

[Benjamin]

I admit I was disappointed and annoyed I couldn't move straight to stage 0 6.5g. I talked to Shannon a bit and he explained similar to what he wrote on the stage 0 page (it expands on why now) so i'm more relaxed about it. Though I don't fully understand and can't get my head fully around it, but that's okay.

But he mentioned if I think I should finish the whole 4 months or since i'm at a month of stage 0 now just go onto Stage 1.

I said i'd do the 4 months but i've been thinking about it since and considering if I should now go onto stage 1 (tonight is my night 2 off in the listening cycle, so I can think about it today and tomorrow).

The 2nd part of the update on the page was due to me asking about doing the 4 months on 6g then 4 more months on 6.5g.

Which now has lead me to think "should I start stage 1". I can see it is some element of fear making me want to do the 8 months of stage 0.

Maybe the cthulhu emu's can guide me.