I’ve done each of the previous AM versions over the years, and you could say that at times I was quite Alpha, and along with that slept with quite a few girls back then.
But I really lost connection with it. I say this part not to brag, but to illustrate where I’m coming from now. I’ve slept with over 50 women.. no not women over 50 years of age.
Most of them were when I was younger. The part that illustrates where I am now is the last time I was with someone was around 2 years ago, before that maybe 6 years before I first got sick as for most of that time I was unable to do so physically due to some of the symptoms.
Now this has created an even deeper fear of women and sex where it seems almost unconquerable. I know AM7 isn’t about meeting women, but dealing with the trauma and fear of that is part of what I hope for it, though there are deeper things around self-reliance as that tanked too during this time.
Basically in the last around 8 years of dealing with chronic illness it’s sent me downhill. I’ve seen my masculinity go downhill, though I still am aware of things at the conscious level, still think in a certain way and am aware of all the ways men and masculinity are demonized in society almost non-stop. But still it affects me definitely, combined with the above and the trauma and stress of it, aswell as what I believe lead to being susceptible to the physical issues.
At first it basically destroyed me physically and emotionally, I struggled to function and the fatigue didn’t let me do too much. It lead me to withdraw a lot and I still tend to get into that pattern.
I can say that after all that time, and the sheer intensity of some of it initially that it’s kind of part of my identity and hard to imagine not having it, since it’s restricted me so much and seemed to come on when I was trying to move forward in life more.
I just spent around 3 months on a course dealing with the deeper emotional issues around the physical symptoms and I was questioning if I should continue working on healing.
My plan was either PTSD Recovery Aid or AM7 and around 2 months ago I explored it and decided AM7 was the best for me. I committed to finishing what I had started though, it was a struggle but I did it.
The weirdest thing is that maybe a week or two before finishing what I was doing around healing and feeling better, I kind of ‘crashed’ and fatigue, nausea and other symptoms come on strong. My thoughts cycled between "do I need more physical healing?" and "is this some kind of fear around what AM7 is going to work on?".
I explored it with the process I was doing and it suggested that these symptoms, though there may be a physical component, at the deeper level are a way to get me to isolate myself due to fear and trauma, to not engage with the world and with life. Then the crazy symptoms initially stacked on more of that fear, like a vicious cycle.
I did a process last night on confusion whether I should continue on physical healing or do AM7 and it seemed to confirm similar thoughts.
Anyway, on the surface level I am masculine, I workout and train martial arts (which I started again maybe 3 or so years ago when I got to a point I could physically handle it again, I believe it was one of the OF versions that lead me to this) dodgy people tend to leave me alone where they harass or abuse other people but at the deeper level there is a lot of trauma, fear especially and insecurities. Not all of these were there in the past, but have got much worse during this period that I’m talking about.
I’ve noticed that as I’ve done more ‘healing’ or working on trauma that at times it weakens and sensitizes me and takes away from my masculine expression and mindset. I was thinking today after martial arts training that I find it much more difficult to connect with controlled aggression now and to get into the right mindset. I hope that this improves and I get my ‘mojo’ back when it comes to my training and putting it together, as somehow combined with this I feel more clunky and unable to have it flow how it should.
I’ve worked out regularly all this time, though at first it was very minimal due to how wrecked I was physically. I’ve found it hard to get back into shape like I was, some people tell me I look like I’m in good shape but it’s not to my standards and what I’ve achieved in the past. I feel that some of the issues of getting back into shape how I want to be is the trauma from all of it, so I hope that AM7 will help with this too.
Yes physique and muscle isn’t necessarily part of being an Ascendant Alpha, BUT this is a part of masculinity that is important to me and not negotiable, I don’t want to be bodybuilder size, but look fit and strong and be functional, more a warrior type physique. So I hope that since that specific, aswell as wanting to improve and thrive in my martial arts training are important to me that AM7 will help with it.
The deeper stuff is needing to move from boy to man (internally), dealing with issues of dependence that have stacked on and got worse over this time period, periods of isolating myself and addiction to time wasting bullshit like social media, games and such. Basically almost every other area of my life has gone downhill in this period.
My level of confidence and being in my masculine goes up and down, it’s not consistent, when I tend to do something where I ‘reach out’ a bit more or go out of my comfort zone I tend to shut down and more fear comes up, a lot of the time with girls that ends up going to porn due to issues I’ve mentioned above.
And a lot of this stuff has ended up in being too emotionally sensitive to things.
Basically do I need more physical healing, yes most likely. But I am completely fucking sick of using this as an excuse to not move forward in my life or important areas of my life and other things going downhill. So it’s time to do this.
The problems of modern society –
Men and masculinity is constantly demonized, all this nonsense about ‘respecting women’ while women and girls growing up are taught to be aggressive, incredibly disrespectful and all around unpleasant in general and to men, sold as some fake sense of bullshit ‘empowerment’. I constantly see this shit about ‘the patriarchy’ and ‘we need equality for women’ when they have achieved that years ago and are constantly pushing for the advantage and very much have it. Yes I can see I have some victim mentality around this, but it comes from real things happening in society. I shouldn't have to even explain that i'm not talking about being a massive disrespectful asshole to women, but so many people are so fucking retarded now someone may try to take it that way, or pretend to as it suits their ends, what i'm saying is this is what society is saying about so called 'respect' and what it's causing, there is never any talk about women being respectful to men, it's the complete opposite.
All this so called ‘equality’ and ‘respect’ stuff, yet what they are teaching does not in any way match what those words actually mean. Society literally teachesthat you have to always cater to women, not disagree with them, let them give you shit and not stand up for yourself or you're abusive, and to not have any respect for yourself as a man. This might seem like exaggeration but it's not.
Seriously I don’t see many things that are too bad said to or about women, yet constantly on social media, in the news and other places worse things are said about men all the time, it’s so bad that if you comment on it idiots attack you for it, even guys sadly enough. I hate it when guys post emasculated humor and think it’s funny then pretend I have the issue when I call it out. Like some bs meme that says something about the husband being in the graveyard because he disagreed with his wife, what a fucking joke and somehow people find it funny, yet make an example the other way to show they are hypocrites they can’t handle it and any little thing said about women you get piled onto. The worst is men who do this.
If you have any awareness in this area, you will know that it’s incredibly difficult to find good material or resources about masculinity these days. You can find tons of it that says it is, but it is weak, spiritual new age bullshit designed to weaken men, make them more controllable in society and also with women especially. My friend is sadly into this kind of shit and posts stuff about it, I shake my head at the stupid shit he shares.
I don’t see him as much now, still hangout maybe once a month or few months at the moment but it seems to me he’s got worse with that shit from his posts. He’s done all different tantra and new age type camps and such and it’s lead him further away from the right idea, with my issues at the moment I can’t prove it with results but all that shit has lead him further and further away from women and getting them attracted to him.
I predict some potential conflict with him during AM7 in that I’ll be projecting strong masculinity and it will likely bring it out, but I hope it ends up showing that I’m getting positive results and he sees all that bullshit isn’t helping him.
There are some occasional good resources, but it’s a struggle to find them. A lot of them are old school type stuff, not pua nonsense like mystery but from around that era.
Almost without exception most new stuff is shit. Any time I see crap about ‘redefining masculinity’ or posts where they are ‘respecting’ woke delusion that should be called out I instantly close it and know they are on the path of weakness.
For ages I’ve been looking for something to help me with this on the deeper level. I read and watch some good stuff at times but it doesn’t amount to much with the level of trauma and fear so I don’t necessarily act on it, though logically I understand it. There is virtually nothing that matches what I was looking for, especially nothing that goes deep.
AM7 matches what I want.
My view on masculinity –
I do like Andrew Tate, and he without a doubt represents strong masculine, strong confidence, his mindset around masculinity is strong and such. If any of you want to cry at him being mentioned, go somewhere else I don’t care. However actual conversation on this stuff is fine, I miss that from the golden days of the forum where guys who were masculine and understood it discussing it.
What I won’t tolerate is guys running on and crying about “oh misogony” or “toxic masculinity” and other stupid bullshit because I mentioned him or other stuff I’ll talk about. If you are one of those guys, there’s many places like men’s cuddle club or ‘wrestling other men naked’ groups (that last one isn’t a joke sadly, this was a feature of a so called masculinity camp I read about. I can’t make this shit up).
But.. I don’t personally resonate with his extreme cockiness, “im the best at everything just ask me” and the extreme flashiness and the idea of you have to have a mansion and all these sports cars.
Then on the other side there’s the weak shit I mentioned above. It's hard to find the balance.
Personally my thoughts on masculinity has balanced out over the years, compared to when I was younger and when I did security and more wanted to present as a ‘tough guy’. Now I want a strong, grounded vibe but not to be this kind of ‘fake tough guy’ persona. I never really was that, but my mindset was more towards the classic alpha in the past.
Now it’s more balanced, more what the Ascendant Alpha Represents.
Anyway, I wrote way more than I expected so that’s enough for now.
I created documents in detail of main areas of my life and where I am now, where I am with the stage 0 “you might need this if” points and my goals but I won’t share those in detail here.
I also will do a video before starting stage 0, and then at the end of each stage. I’m not sure if I should wait until the whole 4 months of doing stage 0 or do 1 video a month to match the next stages, I guess I’ll see.
On AM6 I did videos and I was like “nothing is happening” but others watched them and said “what the fuck are you talking about, you’re way different."
I won’t be sharing the videos here, they will be mainly for myself and selected people.
My plan is to start tomorrow night.
Listening Schedule -
Stage 0 - First night of listening - Friday 17/4/26.
(will calulate end date later).
But I really lost connection with it. I say this part not to brag, but to illustrate where I’m coming from now. I’ve slept with over 50 women.. no not women over 50 years of age.
Most of them were when I was younger. The part that illustrates where I am now is the last time I was with someone was around 2 years ago, before that maybe 6 years before I first got sick as for most of that time I was unable to do so physically due to some of the symptoms.
Now this has created an even deeper fear of women and sex where it seems almost unconquerable. I know AM7 isn’t about meeting women, but dealing with the trauma and fear of that is part of what I hope for it, though there are deeper things around self-reliance as that tanked too during this time.
Basically in the last around 8 years of dealing with chronic illness it’s sent me downhill. I’ve seen my masculinity go downhill, though I still am aware of things at the conscious level, still think in a certain way and am aware of all the ways men and masculinity are demonized in society almost non-stop. But still it affects me definitely, combined with the above and the trauma and stress of it, aswell as what I believe lead to being susceptible to the physical issues.
At first it basically destroyed me physically and emotionally, I struggled to function and the fatigue didn’t let me do too much. It lead me to withdraw a lot and I still tend to get into that pattern.
I can say that after all that time, and the sheer intensity of some of it initially that it’s kind of part of my identity and hard to imagine not having it, since it’s restricted me so much and seemed to come on when I was trying to move forward in life more.
I just spent around 3 months on a course dealing with the deeper emotional issues around the physical symptoms and I was questioning if I should continue working on healing.
My plan was either PTSD Recovery Aid or AM7 and around 2 months ago I explored it and decided AM7 was the best for me. I committed to finishing what I had started though, it was a struggle but I did it.
The weirdest thing is that maybe a week or two before finishing what I was doing around healing and feeling better, I kind of ‘crashed’ and fatigue, nausea and other symptoms come on strong. My thoughts cycled between "do I need more physical healing?" and "is this some kind of fear around what AM7 is going to work on?".
I explored it with the process I was doing and it suggested that these symptoms, though there may be a physical component, at the deeper level are a way to get me to isolate myself due to fear and trauma, to not engage with the world and with life. Then the crazy symptoms initially stacked on more of that fear, like a vicious cycle.
I did a process last night on confusion whether I should continue on physical healing or do AM7 and it seemed to confirm similar thoughts.
Anyway, on the surface level I am masculine, I workout and train martial arts (which I started again maybe 3 or so years ago when I got to a point I could physically handle it again, I believe it was one of the OF versions that lead me to this) dodgy people tend to leave me alone where they harass or abuse other people but at the deeper level there is a lot of trauma, fear especially and insecurities. Not all of these were there in the past, but have got much worse during this period that I’m talking about.
I’ve noticed that as I’ve done more ‘healing’ or working on trauma that at times it weakens and sensitizes me and takes away from my masculine expression and mindset. I was thinking today after martial arts training that I find it much more difficult to connect with controlled aggression now and to get into the right mindset. I hope that this improves and I get my ‘mojo’ back when it comes to my training and putting it together, as somehow combined with this I feel more clunky and unable to have it flow how it should.
I’ve worked out regularly all this time, though at first it was very minimal due to how wrecked I was physically. I’ve found it hard to get back into shape like I was, some people tell me I look like I’m in good shape but it’s not to my standards and what I’ve achieved in the past. I feel that some of the issues of getting back into shape how I want to be is the trauma from all of it, so I hope that AM7 will help with this too.
Yes physique and muscle isn’t necessarily part of being an Ascendant Alpha, BUT this is a part of masculinity that is important to me and not negotiable, I don’t want to be bodybuilder size, but look fit and strong and be functional, more a warrior type physique. So I hope that since that specific, aswell as wanting to improve and thrive in my martial arts training are important to me that AM7 will help with it.
The deeper stuff is needing to move from boy to man (internally), dealing with issues of dependence that have stacked on and got worse over this time period, periods of isolating myself and addiction to time wasting bullshit like social media, games and such. Basically almost every other area of my life has gone downhill in this period.
My level of confidence and being in my masculine goes up and down, it’s not consistent, when I tend to do something where I ‘reach out’ a bit more or go out of my comfort zone I tend to shut down and more fear comes up, a lot of the time with girls that ends up going to porn due to issues I’ve mentioned above.
And a lot of this stuff has ended up in being too emotionally sensitive to things.
Basically do I need more physical healing, yes most likely. But I am completely fucking sick of using this as an excuse to not move forward in my life or important areas of my life and other things going downhill. So it’s time to do this.
The problems of modern society –
Men and masculinity is constantly demonized, all this nonsense about ‘respecting women’ while women and girls growing up are taught to be aggressive, incredibly disrespectful and all around unpleasant in general and to men, sold as some fake sense of bullshit ‘empowerment’. I constantly see this shit about ‘the patriarchy’ and ‘we need equality for women’ when they have achieved that years ago and are constantly pushing for the advantage and very much have it. Yes I can see I have some victim mentality around this, but it comes from real things happening in society. I shouldn't have to even explain that i'm not talking about being a massive disrespectful asshole to women, but so many people are so fucking retarded now someone may try to take it that way, or pretend to as it suits their ends, what i'm saying is this is what society is saying about so called 'respect' and what it's causing, there is never any talk about women being respectful to men, it's the complete opposite.
All this so called ‘equality’ and ‘respect’ stuff, yet what they are teaching does not in any way match what those words actually mean. Society literally teachesthat you have to always cater to women, not disagree with them, let them give you shit and not stand up for yourself or you're abusive, and to not have any respect for yourself as a man. This might seem like exaggeration but it's not.
Seriously I don’t see many things that are too bad said to or about women, yet constantly on social media, in the news and other places worse things are said about men all the time, it’s so bad that if you comment on it idiots attack you for it, even guys sadly enough. I hate it when guys post emasculated humor and think it’s funny then pretend I have the issue when I call it out. Like some bs meme that says something about the husband being in the graveyard because he disagreed with his wife, what a fucking joke and somehow people find it funny, yet make an example the other way to show they are hypocrites they can’t handle it and any little thing said about women you get piled onto. The worst is men who do this.
If you have any awareness in this area, you will know that it’s incredibly difficult to find good material or resources about masculinity these days. You can find tons of it that says it is, but it is weak, spiritual new age bullshit designed to weaken men, make them more controllable in society and also with women especially. My friend is sadly into this kind of shit and posts stuff about it, I shake my head at the stupid shit he shares.
I don’t see him as much now, still hangout maybe once a month or few months at the moment but it seems to me he’s got worse with that shit from his posts. He’s done all different tantra and new age type camps and such and it’s lead him further away from the right idea, with my issues at the moment I can’t prove it with results but all that shit has lead him further and further away from women and getting them attracted to him.
I predict some potential conflict with him during AM7 in that I’ll be projecting strong masculinity and it will likely bring it out, but I hope it ends up showing that I’m getting positive results and he sees all that bullshit isn’t helping him.
There are some occasional good resources, but it’s a struggle to find them. A lot of them are old school type stuff, not pua nonsense like mystery but from around that era.
Almost without exception most new stuff is shit. Any time I see crap about ‘redefining masculinity’ or posts where they are ‘respecting’ woke delusion that should be called out I instantly close it and know they are on the path of weakness.
For ages I’ve been looking for something to help me with this on the deeper level. I read and watch some good stuff at times but it doesn’t amount to much with the level of trauma and fear so I don’t necessarily act on it, though logically I understand it. There is virtually nothing that matches what I was looking for, especially nothing that goes deep.
AM7 matches what I want.
My view on masculinity –
I do like Andrew Tate, and he without a doubt represents strong masculine, strong confidence, his mindset around masculinity is strong and such. If any of you want to cry at him being mentioned, go somewhere else I don’t care. However actual conversation on this stuff is fine, I miss that from the golden days of the forum where guys who were masculine and understood it discussing it.
What I won’t tolerate is guys running on and crying about “oh misogony” or “toxic masculinity” and other stupid bullshit because I mentioned him or other stuff I’ll talk about. If you are one of those guys, there’s many places like men’s cuddle club or ‘wrestling other men naked’ groups (that last one isn’t a joke sadly, this was a feature of a so called masculinity camp I read about. I can’t make this shit up).
But.. I don’t personally resonate with his extreme cockiness, “im the best at everything just ask me” and the extreme flashiness and the idea of you have to have a mansion and all these sports cars.
Then on the other side there’s the weak shit I mentioned above. It's hard to find the balance.
Personally my thoughts on masculinity has balanced out over the years, compared to when I was younger and when I did security and more wanted to present as a ‘tough guy’. Now I want a strong, grounded vibe but not to be this kind of ‘fake tough guy’ persona. I never really was that, but my mindset was more towards the classic alpha in the past.
Now it’s more balanced, more what the Ascendant Alpha Represents.
Anyway, I wrote way more than I expected so that’s enough for now.
I created documents in detail of main areas of my life and where I am now, where I am with the stage 0 “you might need this if” points and my goals but I won’t share those in detail here.
I also will do a video before starting stage 0, and then at the end of each stage. I’m not sure if I should wait until the whole 4 months of doing stage 0 or do 1 video a month to match the next stages, I guess I’ll see.
On AM6 I did videos and I was like “nothing is happening” but others watched them and said “what the fuck are you talking about, you’re way different."
I won’t be sharing the videos here, they will be mainly for myself and selected people.
My plan is to start tomorrow night.
Listening Schedule -
Stage 0 - First night of listening - Friday 17/4/26.
(will calulate end date later).
